I mentioned in my previous post that I’m reading a book by Ellen DeGeneres called Seriously… I’m Kidding. I’ve finished that book and one of the chapters that left a deep impression was one on not comparing ourselves against others. I get that. It’s often toxic and not at all productive or realistic to keep comparing ourselves to others around us as we will inevitably find something others are better than us in. And then it matters what is our response. Do we beat ourselves up over it? Ah he or she is so xxyy. I’ll never be as xxyy as that person. Or do we try unconsciously to model ourselves more like that person?
Well Ellen says it best. I’ll quote her “I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush” and “It would be so boring to look out into the world and see hundreds of people who look and think exactly like me” and “who’s to say what’s better or worse anyway? Who’s to even say what’s normal or average? We’re all different people and we’re allowed to be different from one another”. I find what she says refreshing (although within limits of course, there are average weights, and weights that are probably not healthy for a human being. And some traits in people like sociopathic tendencies are probably safely classified as undesirable). But really, when we find ourselves feeling l Low about ourselves cos we just found ourselves lacking in a certain trait someone else has in buckets, I find this is a good reminder. And I’m also reminded of what my coach (yes I’m on some leadership course that gives me access to 4 sessions with a personal coach!) said once when I lamented that I lacked a particular trait which I found absolutely essential in Directors, and hence concluded I wasn’t ready to be one. He said, not in your organisation, but he felt there were other organisations where my personality trait would be much valued, and the trait I coveted so much, would be looked upon badly by the company and by teams.
Strange. But I guess I’ll take his word for it.
Another thing someone else told me during this leadership course I was on, is that sometimes we can try really hard to be like another person, but fail in the end cos we are just not wired like that person, and we can’t do a personality transplant. But we can learn some of what that person does well and incorporate it into our style and come up with our own unique style. I can identify with that – I really admired my Assistant Director when I was a junior Policy Executive. She was this lady who was decisive, big picture, gave clear timely instructions but never micro-managed, and gave credit when it was due. She was energetic and spunky and gutsy. She was also empathetic and nurturing when needed. Ah the best of a male and a female in a boss! So when she rotated out of my ministry, I aspired to be like her. I tried to fill her shoes, espccially when I became an AD later. However try as I might, I could not emulate her 100%, to my disappointment, but I like to think I managed to move myself along the spectrum of being more like her in certain aspects, but still being very me. There was also the story of the animals who were put into races that tested them on skills they were bad at, eg the Ducks were put in a race, rabbits asked to swim, birds asked to climb trees, and how when they were put in the tight races they fared so much better. While I believe we all have different inherent strengths and latent capabilities, and we are happiest when we can develop and exercise them, we can also develop things we currently don’t have if we apply ourselves, with effort and the right method/teacher.
So, another thought I had was – being happy in our uniqueness shouldn’t stop us from constantly learning and growing. And one way to do that is by learning from people who do it better than us. So it’s puzzling. But I think I can reconcile it like this – we should learn from others, but we should also be assured of our uniqueness and be well aware of our strengths, and always do things with the aim of being a better me, so I can contribute and function better in my role, rather than because I want to be better than them.
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