Whenever I find out that someone is expecting a baby, I just want to grab that person and tell her some key tips I learnt from reading pregnancy and parenting books, from experiences of people around me and what I gleaned from my own experience of parenting 4 young children.
So, I thought what better way to share these tips than to write them down, so here goes. For the expectant mom or new mom:
1) Watch your emotions and try not to be in a bad mood during your pregnancy. I can't prove it, but I suspect your emotions somehow affect the baby in your tummy. I learnt this from my own experience and also from what some others shared with me. When I was pregnant with my oldest kid, I was managing a team of guys who resented my leadership, and hence managing them was like managing a herd of proud, seething cats. They made me exasperated and lose my temper quite often, and my oldest turned out to a very intense toddler. Since young, he would lose it if he couldn't get a proper latch the first time and couldn't drink anymore until you made him sleep and forget about the whole incident. He had night terrors that lasted an hour, and until now, as an 11 year old, he still is easily angered and cannot stop himself from using his fists and nerf guns despite all our efforts to discipline him and teach him. A friend of mine who suffered from bouts of depression when she was overseas, one day told me her mom told her she had suicidal thoughts when she was pregnant. Is it linked? The feeling of intense despair and helpnessness when a foetus is forming in your womb may have somehow affected the feotus' hormonal and chemical makeup. For my other 3 kids, I was in a much better mood during pregnancy, and they all turned out to be quite cheery kids. I have been surreptitiously asking around some other moms, and it is not always the case, it seems. Another mom was super stressed during her second pregnancy but her kid turned out very calm and bright, although the baby was often sick. But it never hurts to be as cheerful as possible.
2) You may not need as much stuff as you think. I always chuckle to myself when I read posts on Carousell selling baby stuff in "almost new" condition, saying "Hardly used by baby who prefers XXYY". If you are not the fussy type, try to buy most things second-hand, as you never know what your baby will like (cot vs sarong vs co-sleeping with you? Baby bjorn rocker vs a much cheaper rocker?). For essentials, I think some onesies (those which have buttons or strings to tie in front are better than T-shirt-like tops which you have to slip over a fragile newborn's head), a few swaddles, mittens and botties, changing mat, a bag of disposable nappies, wet wipes, a good sling (for when you can bring baby out!), a baby bathtub, stroller and a baby bag are good things to get ready. Also good to have a good breast pump (and the bottles) on standby, in case latching somehow doesn't work. As I was latching a lot, I found breast cups (the type which help catch the milk from the other breast when the baby drinks from one side), breast pads (for moments of leakage which happen sometimes when you hear a baby cry) and a nursing cover indispensable as well. However, some moms prefer to pump and feed, and if so, you may not need those as much. If you drive, get a car seat. The rest (e.g. bottle steriliser, baby burp cloths, reusable nappies, baby toys, mobiles, nursing cushions) can come after you realise what the feeding and sleeping arrangement is going to be, what your baby likes (e.g. really loves music? Get a mobile with music or some baby CDs! Likes to stare at moving things? Get a mobile that moves!) and your energy levels.
3) Latching is the most time-saving way to feed a baby. After doing both latching and pump-and-feed, I must say latching is most efficient as a good feeder usually can get the full meal in under 15 minutes, whereas a full pump can take 30 minutes. Latching is also less painful, and there is no need to chill the milk, heat up the milk nor wash and sterilise multiple bottles and breast pump parts, which I found very mind-numbing. I like to joke that the breast somehow doesn't need to be sterilised while bottles and pump parts do! Maybe our skin is anti-bacterial or self-cleaning or something, as I can feed my baby without him or her getting a tummy ache how sweaty I am or how dirty I feel. The milk is also at just the right temperature and doesn't need to get heated up. It is also cheap. I think a father once joked "My wife just eats bread and produces breast milk!" No need for expensive formula. Breastfeeding also helps the mom lose weight, and lowers the risk of breast cancer. I sometimes marvel at how God designed this whole thing.
4) Every birth is different but they are all memorable. If you are pro-natural birth, try to find a gynae who supports this type of births. You will find yourself more in sync with and not surprised by or exasperated with the gynae when it comes to the crunch time. Trust your body to do the job (don't be too afraid! You can do it!) and also trust your gynae.
5) Once your baby is born, give him or her lots of skin to skin contact. Cuddle him/her, stroke his/her skin, tell him/her how beautiful they are and how precious they are to you. It all helps them feel safe and secure and of course, loved and wanted.
6) Delegate lots of other tasks to other family members once baby is born, and focus on regaining your strength and feeding and playing with baby. As newborns feed every 2-3 hours, I found it easiest to sleep with the baby on the same bed and to sleep when the baby sleeps. The rest of the time, I journal, watch some TV, read and fantasize about the end of confinement - what I'm going to eat, the places I'm going to go!
7) During confinement, I find it especially important not to let any part of my body get overly chilled, especially in the first few days after birth. My right shoulder was exposed to aircon the night after I delivered, and it is the first to feel cold and to ache inside for years after the birth.
8) There are many benefits to slinging your baby when you go out, as they are propped up more upright and can see roughly what you see (as opposed to being put in a stroller semi-horizontal and staring at the sky/ceiling or just at mommy/daddy), they feel secure and "hugged" by you at all times, hence this regulates their body temperature and calma them down, allowing them to focus on exploring the world. They can also hear what you say better, and learn through your reactions to things. I found a side sling (the kind which is like a loop of cloth that goes over one shoulder and around the waist, often with rings for adjustment) very handy as you can prop the child upright and also easily ease them into a horizontal position once they are sleepy. As you walk, babies also get rocked by the motion and easily get lulled into sleep, which is when you can gently put them down in the stroller at that stage. If you are very pro, you can even breastfeed discreetly with the baby in it, although I've never mastered that.
9) Do NOT expose them to screens at that young age. In fact, WHO says and I whole-heartedly agree that kids should stay screen-free for the first 2 years, and generally as long as possible. It is all too easy to get addicted to colourful cartoons with cute songs and constantly moving and changing images, and for the child to not eat unless the screen is placed in front of them. In the long-term, it changes their minds and lowers their ability to focus and concentrate later on, all very key traits for success. If not convinced, read "Glow Kids". It's really scary, what many parents are doing unknowingly to their kids.
10) Children don't need a lot of expensive toys. They thrive best going out into nature and just outdoors (we have a big wide world to explore!), interacting with people, and playing with simple things like blocks, books, music, and everyday items around the house. I think some interactive toys like toys with buttons to push and which make sounds are fine too, although they may not stimulate creative play. In the long run, investing in toys that can be played in multiple ways, or which kids can play with again and again and not get bored, or which they can play with others are best (e.g. a ball). I also realised my kids like reading the same favourite books again and again, and hence there is something to be said about owning a set of good books, and not just going to the library (although the library is great!). With the plentiful book exchange shelves sprouting up around Singapore, often stocked with children's books in relatively good condition, it is easy to do so on a budget.
Ok that's what I can think of for the time being! Hope this blesses some moms-to-be or moms! Do share your tips with me too. Am always on the lookout for hacks which make parenting simpler and more stress-free, and which is ultimately better for baby too.
