Is parental jealousy even a thing? I think so. Because recently, I realised that every time I have a conversation with this particular mommy, I tend to feel these feelings of jealousy arise. Being a 42-year old mommy of 4 bright and diverse kids, in a job I love, with a spouse I have little to complain about, what am I jealous of, you may ask?
Well, it started with me feeling a jolt of disbelief and irritation when I found out that her boy who is the same age as my eldest scoring better than my boy in 2 or 3 subjects, and even possibly topping the cohort in those subjects, her oldest boy (a really lovely and well-behaved boy by the way) also did really well in his PSLE due to his mother's efforts in schooling him in Chinese in the last 6 months (he is going to try to ACS as he qualifies) and I think he received $240 in vouchers for topping his school in 2 subjects I think, even though both parents are not as "smart" and successful as me and my husband. Then there is the fact that even though they don't earn as much as us, she has this uncanny ability to get the best deals on everything (she told me early on how they have a knack of winning lucky draws, and they ever stayed at a hotel for free from some farmhouse lucky draw). For example, she manages to find fun things to do with her kids without breaking the bank. Recently, my husband brought all of us to Universal Studios as a way to have fun during the December holidays. Neither of us being the type who likes researching for discounts and deals, we paid the full fee, and as this is still during Covid, the rides only opened from 2pm and it rained cats and dogs for about 1.5 hours in the afternoon, so all the outdoor rides were closed for that amount of time and after that all rides had queues of at least an hour, and we only managed to do 4 rides, and all the shows were closed, so we didn't have such a good time despite paying through our nose to bring the whole family there. We also didn't eat in there either cos a lot of eateries were closed, and we had so little time). When she asked about my time in Universal Studios, she said they went to Universal Studios during her company's family day when they paid next to nothing, had $20 food vouchers, and enjoyed all the rides twice cos there was no queue whatsoever, plus watched all the shows. Harrumph.
She also furnishes her house very tastefully and economically (they recently replaced their old sofa with a secondhand IKEA couch which looks new, with a beautiful white rug thrown in for $200). Her piano was obtained free from her church whereas mine was scouted from Carousell for $400, I thought it was already a good deal. They have a big blackboard in the living room where they write on and pin up all the letters from school (I bet them never miss a spelling, some instruction from school, or any event, whereas I need to be reminded of them through parents' Whatsapp chats and terse, snarky reminders from the teachers), a long wooden dining table where the kids do their work, play games and the family gathers for dinner, full of peace and order and harmony. Her boys are boisterous, running around, shrieking and playing nerf guns, with my kids, but the parents banned them from Roblox as it was too addictive, whereas my boy is still playing it off and on and pestering us every day to play it (yet another area we fail to do).
She feeds her family with vegetarian tasty meals which her boys gobble up. And did I mention how her boys are all tall and robust (a sore point for me, as my boys, especially my second boy, is super super short).
There is also the fact that her boys are super good at brainy games like chess, Rubix cube, and read super fast and devour thick books with all words and no pictures like the kids' version of the Pilgrim's Progress (my 9 year-old still likes comics and his books must have at least some pictures, even if they are mainly words, and the content must be irreverent, cheeky, or very violent). Her kids are also generally well-behaved, moral kids, who have bible study every day with their grandparents. Well, you get the picture.
So, basically she is a better mom than me in every way. Her family is well-run, with wisdom, in an economical and healthy way, and her kids are well-behaved and tall. Everything I aspire to be and to do, which I fail in some way when compared to her.
Ok, I know this is childish, and silly, cos actually we have a lot of good times together, where my boys get along really well with her boys and we enjoy chatting with the parents, and we share tips on what to do with the kids, good classes to send them to, good Chinese and piano and swimming teachers etc etc, and we do learn a lot of tips from them that way. But I can't help feeling this twinge whenever she crows about her achievements (ok, I'm sure she didn't mean to do it), and now it has become quite full-blown, where I am quite aware of the resentment building in my chest whenever I talk to her, behind my strained smiles.
I started asking myself, what does the Bible say about jealousy? How should I react to these feelings? How can I stop feeling jealous of this poor mommy who has no idea of the effect she is having on me (and possibly harbouring her own feelings of jealousy for God knows what?).
I remembered a few points:
(1) She likely has no idea those aspects of her life (which she may take for granted) is making me feel jealous, so it's silly to resent her for something she is not even aware of
(2) Feeling jealous of her in all those aspects is likely showing up areas of insecurity in my life, or idols I have built up in my life, where I measure my success by how well I do in those aspects, and reassure myself I am a good mommy, or somehow feel confident if I have those things or my kids behave in those ways or have those traits - so I have to deal with them in my own time, in the privacy of my soul, and they are likely to be shadows in my life, areas of bondage.
(3) Like the story in the Bible of David and Bathsheba, I remember how he probably envied Uriah, his loyal soldier, his lovely wife, when he had his own harem of countless wives, and God said He would have given David any lawful woman he desired. I tried to put myself in David's shoes and realised David must have felt insanely covetous of Uriah's wife, and he may have temporarily derived no pleasure from his other wives and concubines, to the point he sinned against God's law and slept with another man's wife. From an outsider's point of view, you may be tempted to shout "David! Don't be stupid! Turn your eyes towards God! And all the pleasures God has already provided!" but he was deaf to it. How does it relate to this example, you may ask? Well, my kids are bright and gifted in their own ways, and are developing at their own pace, but when I look at this mommy's kids, who are so close to mine in age, I can't help but feel insecure, that my kids don't measure up in many ways. So I am focusing on what they lack, comparing them against others, when I should be content with who they are, and focusing on what God has given me, instead of what I don't have. And God has given me A LOT.
So I think, this is the problem of comparison. Of discontent arising from all this insidious, subconscious comparisons that happen in our brains without us even thinking. And though I'm no longer on Facebook, the devil still manages to get at me through real live people I interact with, disrupting my peace, my contentment. The funny thing is, the father of the kids may be struggling with comparisons of his own cos we live in a condo and we have a car and my husband doesn't think twice about splurging on the kids (they don't have a car, yet another wise decision in Singapore where car ownership is ridiculously expensive, and they have more books than toys).
Anyway, I am still a parent struggling and learning how to raise my kids in the Lord, in a technologically-advanced, materialistic society where kids are glued to gadgets all day long and more likely than not to be impatient, self-centred, rude, and self-entitled. I can see streaks of these in my kids every day (probably due to the media and games they are exposed to) and I am fighting an uphill battle every day to scrub away these tendencies from them and to educate them in the right way to go, which takes time and endless repetitions and moralising (explaining why that is the right way to behave. I should see both sets of families as fellow soldiers on this journey together and try to encourage one another to reach the end goal, rather than begrudge them their successes. And I should remind myself that God made everyone different, and He needs every person He has made to live up to their full potential, and this is not a competition, but a war where we are all on the same side, and we are in the same company - when they win, we win too.
And I should rely more on God to help me in my daily journey, rather than man (although they do seem to be a source of wise practices and seem to have gotten it "right" much of the time). I should be thankful for what God has given me, look to God for wisdom, and expose my kids more to God even as I spend more time with God myself. That will restore my soul from the ravages of comparisons and keeping up with the Joneses and my propping up fragile self-esteem.
Ok, enough of my rambling. I think I got it out of my system. Hope this has not bored you to tears!
