You know the strangest thing? I'm having all this free time this weekend to blog, when I actually thought this would be my busiest weekend ever, cos my hubby is out of town. Yes he is on a guys' holiday, with two other guys from church, and I know he really needed it. So, I decided to be the selfless spouse (more because I can't stand his constant complaining that he really needs a break from work & kids, and since I don't share his sentiments, better that he go and get it out of his system).
So, I am supposed to talk about another habit, and it so happened that the next habit I read is the first one, called Being Proactive. The way I applied it to my life is kinda strange... After I read the second habit, something not-so-good happened. A particular person who has angered me tremendously in the past, has recently started to irritate me again. When this happens, I usually seethe and it would put me in a lousy mood for days on end. It is like a thorn in my flesh, and in the past, I will usually pray that this person will stop causing me grief, and after I pray, the problem would gradually go away, but then it will return again, and I would realise to my horror that God hasn't "handled" it! So it has been on-off, on-off over the years.
This time round, the same thing started happening, and it was starting to escalate. So one day, feeling a general sense of malaise, I went out on my own to grab dinner (both kids were asleep) and brought the Seven Habits book with me (yes I also read when I eat, when I don't have company - this is how I manage to read a lot despite being a working mom!). I ended up at MacDonald's (a rare event) and as I was tucking into my burger, I did something which I usually do when I run into intractable problems - I prayed and asked God to reveal the answer to my problem in what I am about to read. And the funny thing is, yet again, I actually got my answer. Two answers, in fact.
So, it happened like this. I actually wanted to move on to the third habit "First Things First", which sounds real important, but somehow, that habit didn't appeal to me and I decided to read the first habit again (though as I said, I felt I already knew it through and through), and see what new thing it can teach me.
It started by talking about how we often cannot choose the circumstances and things happening to us, but we can always choose how we respond (yes yes I knew that). And it went on and on in that vein for quite a while, and I started thinking that yes, I should probably focus on my response to the problem, and what I can do about it, rather than the person. And the book says when we do that, no matter how bleak the situation is (and the author described a pretty bleak one), focusing on what we can do, no matter how little, makes the mood inevitably more positive as we are dwelling on the opportunities the problem gave us. I must say the book is right - we are totally not used to thinking this way, as evidenced by how strange I felt to stop thinking about the other person (who is clearly the problem) and focus on me (who is the poor victim).
And as I tried to think of what I can do on my part, I suddenly recalled this wonderful trick a teacher taught me in this questionable-sounding "Asking Leading Questions" workshop (it was such a good use of my time, I learnt so much it's almost immoral), which is a way to use your right brain when solving problems. Ok, the trick is this - instead of thinking through the problem in detail, which causes us to fixate on the problem and after a while, all we can see is that problem and how big it is, we should imagine that we have woken up tomorrow morning, and the problem is miraculously solved. Then we ask ourselves the questions "How did it happen?", "What had to happen for it to happen?" and so on. And ridiculous though it seems, when our brains try to answer the questions, it somehow stops thinking logically, and starts coming up with creative, crazy solutions to the problem (haha, I know some of you are laughing), but it works! At least for me, and the problem-solving process sure is much more fun and less serious than if we were to dissect it like engineers and apply our left brain logic to it. It's sort of a free-flow of ideas, and to generate as many possible answers as possible.
So, I applied this to my situation and imagined, if I woke up tomorrow and the problem was solved, what would it look like? And I had a pretty nice picture, and then I thought - so how would it have come about? And pretty quickly, an answer came to me.
Now this is a Christian answer, and I heard it preached by someone years past (I can't remember who). But this person said that an Ethiopian pastor issued a challenge to his congregation - if we prayed continuously and fervently for 40 days for something we want, he guaranteed that we would get it. Ok, I actually don't remember the rest of that sermon (probably cos my mind was furiously working on that and closed my ears off to the rest), but it totally captured my imagination. Imagine that! Could it be real? I don't know, but I trusted it with child-like faith. So I went home and prayed for something I really wanted for 40 days straight, and for a good many days I really prayed, not those half-hearted prayers, and I may have lapsed a day or two, but generally I lasted till 40 days, and you know what? My prayer got answered. Not immediately, but within a year or two. I haven't applied this again to anything else, probably because if you try it, you will soon realise that it is pretty hard to do anything you are not in the habit of doing for 40 days straight, without lapse. I tried disciplining my son for not keeping his toys, hoping he would not turn out like me, but after a strong start, I lose steam around the 7-day mark. My mind just cannot hold on to that thought, that intensity of emotion and desire for that long. But anyway, I remembered that promise of that Ethiopian pastor and thought - well, that could be one way it came about. I pray for it for 40 days and that person somehow changes. I think I finished my burger at around that point so I carried on reading, satisfied I had at least one answer.
The last part of the chapter caught my eye - and it was a question posed by someone to Stephen Covey, that he no longer loved his wife, the emotions were gone, but they had kids, so what was he to do about it. Stephen said "love your wife". He said "But I don't love her anymore." He repeated "Love your wife" and went on to elaborate that in our culture and movies today, love is an emotion. But love is also a verb, and we often don't remember that. So he said, emphathise with her, listen to her, care for her, surprise her, do all the things he would do if he loved her, and the emotions would soon follow. I tell you, that sparked another lightbulb in me. So, I could focus on loving that person, and soon I wouldn't feel that anger any more - in fact I might start feeling love for that person! I know, it like, never occurred to me (and me being a cell leader at that), and the moment I put the word "love" and the name of that person next to each other, a positive feeling zapped through me, a big difference1from all that toxicity I was feeling a while ago. Ok, if you haven't guessed by now, this person is someone I care about (isn't it those people who can hurt us the most?) so it's not that strange to think that I should love this person. This person just turns out to be pretty unloveable some of the times.
So there you go. Two answers. Both pretty radical. And you know what? I went home and took action immediately. I got down on my knees and prayed hard about it. And the next day too, and so on. And I don't know how long I can last this time, but I really want to finish this 40-day prayer thing - so I'll update my blog on the results when the 40 days are up!
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Begin with the End in Mind
Ok, I must say I broke with my usual routine and started with the second Habit first. Why? Well, I thought I already knew what being proactive means and that I have been a particularly good practitioner of it (and I'll write about how I was wrong later)! I also had this vague feeling that I was not very purposeful about my activities every day, and that I was not working towards achieving the big goals I wanted at the end of the year (like how during my Dept retreat early this year, when I had to present work done last year, how mine seemed so haphazard and piecemeal compared to my peer's illustrious list of solid achievements)...
The book actually asks the reader to do a very cheesy exercise - one which if someone I was speaking to told me to do it, I would say "Oh please!" or roll my eyes internally. It was to visualise that I was at my own funeral wake, and that a family member, a friend, a co-worker and a member from church were going up and make an eulogy about me. What would I want them to say? But since I had picked the book myself and this was one of the first exercises the author was asking me to make, I obligingly did. So, standing on a crowded train in the morning (yay for long commutes!), with my morning caffeine circulating around my system, I scribbled down my answers into my handphone (I love the Notes function!). What my answers were astounded me, in their similarity for almost all the groups. They are all slightly different, but the underlying thread was that I wanted to have modelled Christ-likeness to them, and pointed them to know Christ. Err... how much time does this thought cross my mind each day? Almost zilch (except perhaps on Sundays and during cell group time). How conscious was I of this goal of mine? Yes, at a superficial level, I might say it if asked, without any real conviction or feeling, but doing the visualisation exercise, I knew it in my heart to be true (gulp).
And then the author talks a lot about how we each have a centre in our life, and it could be family, spouse, work, money, pleasure, self (I think I actually belonged to the last one), and how everything we evaluate, all our reactions to events, our thoughts, our decisions, stem from that centre (e.g. does it make me more money? Does it make my spouse happy? Is it good for me?). Then the author went on the show how making any of these our centres was destructive and setting ourselves up for vulnerabilities and instability in life. As I was reading through all the possible centres and laughing my way through them (when described most of them do sound silly), my sense of anticipation for the right answer was heightening, and finally, he proposed that what we should be, is principle-centred, cos principles don't change. He states there are timeless principles in this world, like fairness, and excellence, and the dignity of human life, and they don't change, and living by them is sort of like living by truths.
I did a double take when I read that. The answer didn't sit well with my stomach (you know, deep in your gut). For me, that wasn't a satisfactory centre - making principles our centre is kind of half-baked in my view. It's neither here nor there. The bigger question is, where did those principles come from in the first place? How come all humans have a sense of fairness (even little kids will attest to that), want to excel (for more on this, read my post on A Virtuous Cycle of Work) or get outraged when a human is debased and abused?
I believe it is because these are characteristics of God, which man inherited because we were created in His image (except the omnipotence and omniscient bit, and yeah, we aren't wholly good either). So it makes more sense for me to be God-centred, since He will be the one I face in the end, and not principle-centred. So the lens from which I see everything, the overriding concern in my life should be - does this please God?
Ok, so except for that bit, I totally agree with what he wrote in this second habit. And in fact, from that day on, I started to meditate a bit more on my end goal (which is so simple!), and to remind myself of it, and I started to realise, because my centre is now not another person, or my work, or my money, or my possessions, or even my children, I am less affected by them, and by things that affect them (and there are many). In the past, I used to be extremely concerned whenever my children acted up, when I didn't think I was doing well at work, about money issues, whether I would have enough - but now, yes I am still concerned, and I still want to apply my mind to solve them, but they no longer strike at the heart of me, and that makes all the difference. It takes a lot of emotion out of the equation, and I can think more clearly and logically about it, and be a lot calmer about it. And if we know about how our minds work - emotions actually rule us more than we think, and when we are emotional, our mental capacity shuts down (ever tried to spot an error in an excel worksheet under time pressure?). This is like achieving this end state I read about in a devotion and was so impressed I wrote it down - being completely involved in life, but having an inner detachment to things and an attachment to God.
So, discovering what my desired "end" was, has been really enlightening for me! I hope you embark on this exercise too, and be similarly enlightened!
The book actually asks the reader to do a very cheesy exercise - one which if someone I was speaking to told me to do it, I would say "Oh please!" or roll my eyes internally. It was to visualise that I was at my own funeral wake, and that a family member, a friend, a co-worker and a member from church were going up and make an eulogy about me. What would I want them to say? But since I had picked the book myself and this was one of the first exercises the author was asking me to make, I obligingly did. So, standing on a crowded train in the morning (yay for long commutes!), with my morning caffeine circulating around my system, I scribbled down my answers into my handphone (I love the Notes function!). What my answers were astounded me, in their similarity for almost all the groups. They are all slightly different, but the underlying thread was that I wanted to have modelled Christ-likeness to them, and pointed them to know Christ. Err... how much time does this thought cross my mind each day? Almost zilch (except perhaps on Sundays and during cell group time). How conscious was I of this goal of mine? Yes, at a superficial level, I might say it if asked, without any real conviction or feeling, but doing the visualisation exercise, I knew it in my heart to be true (gulp).
And then the author talks a lot about how we each have a centre in our life, and it could be family, spouse, work, money, pleasure, self (I think I actually belonged to the last one), and how everything we evaluate, all our reactions to events, our thoughts, our decisions, stem from that centre (e.g. does it make me more money? Does it make my spouse happy? Is it good for me?). Then the author went on the show how making any of these our centres was destructive and setting ourselves up for vulnerabilities and instability in life. As I was reading through all the possible centres and laughing my way through them (when described most of them do sound silly), my sense of anticipation for the right answer was heightening, and finally, he proposed that what we should be, is principle-centred, cos principles don't change. He states there are timeless principles in this world, like fairness, and excellence, and the dignity of human life, and they don't change, and living by them is sort of like living by truths.
I did a double take when I read that. The answer didn't sit well with my stomach (you know, deep in your gut). For me, that wasn't a satisfactory centre - making principles our centre is kind of half-baked in my view. It's neither here nor there. The bigger question is, where did those principles come from in the first place? How come all humans have a sense of fairness (even little kids will attest to that), want to excel (for more on this, read my post on A Virtuous Cycle of Work) or get outraged when a human is debased and abused?
I believe it is because these are characteristics of God, which man inherited because we were created in His image (except the omnipotence and omniscient bit, and yeah, we aren't wholly good either). So it makes more sense for me to be God-centred, since He will be the one I face in the end, and not principle-centred. So the lens from which I see everything, the overriding concern in my life should be - does this please God?
Ok, so except for that bit, I totally agree with what he wrote in this second habit. And in fact, from that day on, I started to meditate a bit more on my end goal (which is so simple!), and to remind myself of it, and I started to realise, because my centre is now not another person, or my work, or my money, or my possessions, or even my children, I am less affected by them, and by things that affect them (and there are many). In the past, I used to be extremely concerned whenever my children acted up, when I didn't think I was doing well at work, about money issues, whether I would have enough - but now, yes I am still concerned, and I still want to apply my mind to solve them, but they no longer strike at the heart of me, and that makes all the difference. It takes a lot of emotion out of the equation, and I can think more clearly and logically about it, and be a lot calmer about it. And if we know about how our minds work - emotions actually rule us more than we think, and when we are emotional, our mental capacity shuts down (ever tried to spot an error in an excel worksheet under time pressure?). This is like achieving this end state I read about in a devotion and was so impressed I wrote it down - being completely involved in life, but having an inner detachment to things and an attachment to God.
So, discovering what my desired "end" was, has been really enlightening for me! I hope you embark on this exercise too, and be similarly enlightened!
Seven Habits Reread
Hello hello,
Wow I'm really on a roll here... my fourth post in a month! I guess writing is like jogging or exercising - it's really hard to do it the first time after a long time... the conditions almost all have to be right, or you are really suffering by not doing it (e.g. feeling breathless, out-of-shape, unhealthy, or in this particular instance, feeling like I had this incredibly wonderful experience that I have to get out on paper, or computer - namely my trip to the Botanic Gardens, or I will burst). But after you do it the first time, the second time is not that bad, and then it gets progressively easier and easier, and the wheezing is less obvious and you start to enjoy it more and more. So voila, here I am!
I recently picked up Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People from my bookshelf and popped it in my handbag to be part of my must-have reading material for my long commute. Why am I reading this rather outdated self-help book now instead of the latest management book or chic lit (yes I am quite the fan) or crime fiction (also guilty)? I guess it's a combination of running out of books from the library to read (I must explain I am a compulsive train reader, as in, if I don't have something to read on the train, I get mental withdrawal symptoms, which are as bad as my caffeine withdrawal symptoms) and the fact that I had recently moved into a new role at work and found myself grappling (in middle age) once again with an ill-defined role, time management issues (I'm double hatting on an already heavy portfolio) and having to win the respect and trust of two new colleagues who have been transferred to the same new unit as me, one of whom is older than me (a first!) and having to work out communication styles, working preferences and so on. So I was perhaps feeling in need of a refresher course on how to manage myself effectively.
However, I was not disappointed. In fact, I must say I was quite blown away by the book, which I did not expect as I had attended a course on this years ago and thought I had it all down pat. Hey, I can even recite 6 out of the 7 habits (the one that eluded me was Synergise - and I haven't gotten to that part of the book and still don't know what that means) and can explain pretty clearly what each is about. However, I realised the book holds so much more detail and examples from the author which the trainer simply could not go into in that two-day course. I found in the book timeless principles and truths that opened my eyes (and I've read quite a few management and self-help books in my time), though it was written years ago! Ok, I must say partly it is because I am in need of these truths at my particular life stage, which makes the "aha" moments even more heartfelt and far-reaching for me. But I believe they are relevant for everyone, at any life stage. You just can't go wrong with the habits, especially the first three. I'll blog about each habit in turn, and how I have applied it to my life and made a difference.
Wow I'm really on a roll here... my fourth post in a month! I guess writing is like jogging or exercising - it's really hard to do it the first time after a long time... the conditions almost all have to be right, or you are really suffering by not doing it (e.g. feeling breathless, out-of-shape, unhealthy, or in this particular instance, feeling like I had this incredibly wonderful experience that I have to get out on paper, or computer - namely my trip to the Botanic Gardens, or I will burst). But after you do it the first time, the second time is not that bad, and then it gets progressively easier and easier, and the wheezing is less obvious and you start to enjoy it more and more. So voila, here I am!
I recently picked up Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People from my bookshelf and popped it in my handbag to be part of my must-have reading material for my long commute. Why am I reading this rather outdated self-help book now instead of the latest management book or chic lit (yes I am quite the fan) or crime fiction (also guilty)? I guess it's a combination of running out of books from the library to read (I must explain I am a compulsive train reader, as in, if I don't have something to read on the train, I get mental withdrawal symptoms, which are as bad as my caffeine withdrawal symptoms) and the fact that I had recently moved into a new role at work and found myself grappling (in middle age) once again with an ill-defined role, time management issues (I'm double hatting on an already heavy portfolio) and having to win the respect and trust of two new colleagues who have been transferred to the same new unit as me, one of whom is older than me (a first!) and having to work out communication styles, working preferences and so on. So I was perhaps feeling in need of a refresher course on how to manage myself effectively.
However, I was not disappointed. In fact, I must say I was quite blown away by the book, which I did not expect as I had attended a course on this years ago and thought I had it all down pat. Hey, I can even recite 6 out of the 7 habits (the one that eluded me was Synergise - and I haven't gotten to that part of the book and still don't know what that means) and can explain pretty clearly what each is about. However, I realised the book holds so much more detail and examples from the author which the trainer simply could not go into in that two-day course. I found in the book timeless principles and truths that opened my eyes (and I've read quite a few management and self-help books in my time), though it was written years ago! Ok, I must say partly it is because I am in need of these truths at my particular life stage, which makes the "aha" moments even more heartfelt and far-reaching for me. But I believe they are relevant for everyone, at any life stage. You just can't go wrong with the habits, especially the first three. I'll blog about each habit in turn, and how I have applied it to my life and made a difference.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Memorable Quotes from this Good Book
Hello!
I have just finished another book - this is a rare find. It is one of those books that I picked out of the shelf amidst the sheer ming-boggling no of books in the library based on its interesting title "The Secret Intensity Of Everyday Life" by William Nicholson, who incidentally did the screenplay for Gladiatory and also wrote the script for the movie "Shadowlands", on the life of my favourite author, CS Lewis.
Ok, so I will set about jotting down some of his really memorable lines (hope this is not plagiarism, but they are so unique, they stand out so much amidst all that text and a not-so-very-engaging plot like jewels blazing in their colour that I have to write them down).
_____________________
"Okay, if I'm being honest, I think Friends is a work of genius. I mean, I really do. The best dialogue on television today.:
"Wow."
"I know that makes me what the children call a saddo."
"A saddo? No, not at all. It makes me want to know what you see that I don't."
"Okay" He rises to the challenge. "That episode Alice is watching, the lasagne one. Rachel breaks up with her Italian boyfriend... She dumps him because Phoebe tells her he's come on to her."
"In the massage parlour."
"Right. And Phoebe feels bad. And Rachel comes out with this classic Friends line. She says "It's better that I know, but I liked it better before it was better." Isn't that perfect?"
________________
Phoebe is going to give birth to triplets.
The doctor in the delivery room keeps talking abuot Fonzie. Who's Fonzie? Joey seems to be going into labour too. Then Chandler does a dance and Monica says "Don't do the dance!"
Alan punches the air.
"I love it! You saw that? She never even turned round. She just knew he'd do the dance. These people just know each other so well."
_______________________
Why do I want this so much if it's all a delusion? Why does the act of forming lines in my head excite me so much that my bowels melt and I have to run to the lavatory unbuckling my belt as I go? Don't tell me that's not the real thing.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
A Wonderful Afternoon at a National Gem
Yesterday (Sat), we finally decided to make good on our desire to bring kids into the nature and great outdoors, instead of always bringing them to
There is a funny reason why we decided to go Botanic Gardens instead of the many other possibilities in Singapore we would have probably chosen, e.g. East Coast, Gardens by the Bay, some park in Tampines. The reason is (and I'm ashamed to admit it), as I was having lunch with a Siemens colleague, who happened to be a French lady who was living in Munich, I casually asked her if she had visited any areas of national interest during her brief stay in Singapore (she was here over a weekend). She remarked that she had been to this wonderful garden, and it was truly beautiful, and the people who were behind it and upkeeping it were doing a wonderful job, and she spoke with such a glow in her eyes and voice that Eunice and I immediately thought she was talking about Gardens by the Bay, but she shook her head, and said no... and it turned out that she was talking about Botanic Gardens! I was so puzzled I wanted to ask her what was so beautiful about it, but I held my tongue, as I had been there a few times and been utterly bored.
That had piqued my interest in visiting Botanic Gardens again, but a couple more events pushed me over the edge. One was a lunch talk I attended recently about urbanisation and development, some member of the audience asked about the importance of a hinterland in any city, and a panellist (a Dutch) immediately piped up "Very important, I mean, for sociological reasons, so people can get away from the city life, and for other reasons as well" and I mused to myself how alien that sounded to a Singaporean who was so used to city, city and more city. There is no concept of rural area, or that there is a need to get away from the hectic pace of city life (at least not to me, though I do know of friends who travel to Malaysia or Indonesia every 3 months!). Recently I also read in the papers about a preschool called Little Bunnies that was becoming increasingly popular amongst Singaporean expats, because they had no classroom, but brought kids to outdoor areas and fixed up a fence and it was their classroom. And when I looked at the photo in the newspaper, the kids were indeed sitting before a teacher surrounded by nature.
So the sum of all these little events was I resolved to bring my kids to some nature over the weekend, so that they would not only know indoor environments. If not, they may not know how to appreciate nature anymore. And didn't God make us originally gardeners? So there is (according to Pastor Rony) an innate appreciation and love of gardens in man. So, last Saturday we resolutely made the long journey to Botanic Gardens. I had also called the weather information and they predicted "Cloudy" for Singapore and areas in Central, from 5-7pm, which was a green light for us to set out.
When we reached there, Caleb had already fallen asleep in the car, so we put him in the stroller, and wheeled him all around the garden. Jack was still awake so we took turns carrying him, mainly the maid and me, and sometimes my hubby. It turned out to be a very pleasant late afternoon.
Firstly, we realised as we walked that there was a denseness of trees and climbers, bushes and plants along the path, which I had not appreciated before. The richness of the foliage and the different hues of green captivated me, and the fresh air (you know, the scent from being in a very 'ulu place', which smells of trees), coupled by the cool temperatures, made for very enjoyable walking. There were also different types of flowers on some trees, if you stopped to look, and some of it looked so alien and out-of-this-world they just made me think of the words "weird and wonderful". I never knew God had created such funny-looking flowers or fruits, and that they existed in tropical Singapore! Then after a short stroll, we came to a crossroads and there seemed to be multiple attractions in both directions. However I was attracted by the signs that said "Eco-garden" and "Jacob-Ballas Children's Garden", so having limited time, we started on that path. Along that path, we came across some herbs/scent garden, smelled coriander, and saw garlic and pineapple plants, and saw bananas growing on a tree (which we excitedly pointed out to Jack, as he likes bananas and has never seen them hanging anywhere except on our kitchen wall and in stalls at the market).
After walking a while along that path, we came to an open field, where people were picnicing or playing cricket, and eventually to a pond, which as we came nearer, looked like a scene ripe for a Monet painting - it was green, had some organic stuff floating on it, and many ducks swimming peacefully or standing on the edge preening themselves (I was surprised to see how many there were), 2 big black swans, and many tortoises, all swimming near the edge, where people were watching them. This was way more wildlife than I had ever encountered in all my previous excursions to the Botanic Gardens and being an animal-lover, I excitedly brought Jack near to the water's edge to observe the wildlife. But alas, he was more interested in chasing the pigeons which were nearby. I sometimes wonder if he has a stronger hunter instinct than most. Then, the peaceful silence was broken by increasingly alarmed cries of "no! no! no! no!" and a golden retriever had broken off from his owner (an Indian lady) and was making for the lake, and when he reached it, he waded in happily without hesitation, until he was up to his chest in water, and stood there looking quite content, a bit hesitant whether to chase the ducks or swans, and it was so funny. Eventually he came out, shook himself all over, and trotted happily after his owner, who chided him half-laughing for providing "free entertainment" to everyone.
After that, we walked on and finally came to the children's garden. I don't recall much of it, except there were some fake trees and signs explaining photosynthesis (Jack being too young to understand) and a playground which had a wall with funny shapes on it, which make different sounds if you strike on them. Then we got out, and headed back.
On the way back, we were in for 2 pleasant surprises - one is that we managed to catch the different colours of the sunset through the trees - and it's been a while since I gazed at any sunset, and I was treated to a display of iridescent crystal pinks on the left, and light crystal blue and yellow on the right. So beautiful. And all the while breathing such fresh air and walking so much, I felt healthy and whole.
Then as we were reaching our carpark, we came across a band playing under a tree. I approached them, wanting to my son to see people playing musical instruments (neither me nor my hubby play any at home), and realised how refreshing it was to listen to a band up close, playing live. How clear and heavenly the sounds of a classical guitar being strummed up close! I have always been content to listen to the radio or CDs, and was never one to be much into live concerts. In fact the few I attended were disappointments, maybe cos they didn't sound as good as the CD and I was standing too far back to take a good look at the musicians' faces. But here in the Botanic Gardens, listening to these amateur musicians jam away song after song, under a tree, which seemed to amplify their sound, under the fading light, with other bystanders standing nearby or sitting on benches, all appreciating the music, not wanting to be anywhere but here on a Sunday afternoon, I was blown away by the experience. The powerful strums of the guitars, the harmonising of the vocals and the occasional strains of the violin, rising above the strumming of the guitar, gave a wistful, beautiful angle to the whole thing. They weren't that good (the lead singer had a forgetteable voice, and sometimes the harmonising was offkey), but I couldn't help swaying from side to side to the beat. I realised how much music is able to touch one's soul, and I felt my spirit soaring. One of the songs had the line "I'm not moving" in it and I wished they played more alternative songs. And after listening to 3 songs, we finally moved on. This was followed by dinner at casa verde (I brought Caleb to the corner to watch the two men making pizzas through a glass window, and to see the many dogs sitting next to their owners, but alas, he was always gazing at the owners rather than the dogs - testament to his different personality from his brother - him preferring always the human face, while his brother focuses on anything that moves) where we managed to fill 3 stomachs to the brim with just $43 and even Caleb had a bit of bread, licking them off his hands that tightly clutched the bread, and then a trip home where Jack conked out. A wonderful late afternoon at Botanic Gardens. And we didn't even explore 1/5th of it! Now I understand why people say the Botanic Gardens is a national gem, and why my Director mused "With Botanic Gardens, one really questions why we need a Gardens by the Bay?"
- Restaurants (NYDC and Kim Gary of Tampines One being perennial favourites)
- Library
- Supermarkets
- Shopping Malls
There is a funny reason why we decided to go Botanic Gardens instead of the many other possibilities in Singapore we would have probably chosen, e.g. East Coast, Gardens by the Bay, some park in Tampines. The reason is (and I'm ashamed to admit it), as I was having lunch with a Siemens colleague, who happened to be a French lady who was living in Munich, I casually asked her if she had visited any areas of national interest during her brief stay in Singapore (she was here over a weekend). She remarked that she had been to this wonderful garden, and it was truly beautiful, and the people who were behind it and upkeeping it were doing a wonderful job, and she spoke with such a glow in her eyes and voice that Eunice and I immediately thought she was talking about Gardens by the Bay, but she shook her head, and said no... and it turned out that she was talking about Botanic Gardens! I was so puzzled I wanted to ask her what was so beautiful about it, but I held my tongue, as I had been there a few times and been utterly bored.
That had piqued my interest in visiting Botanic Gardens again, but a couple more events pushed me over the edge. One was a lunch talk I attended recently about urbanisation and development, some member of the audience asked about the importance of a hinterland in any city, and a panellist (a Dutch) immediately piped up "Very important, I mean, for sociological reasons, so people can get away from the city life, and for other reasons as well" and I mused to myself how alien that sounded to a Singaporean who was so used to city, city and more city. There is no concept of rural area, or that there is a need to get away from the hectic pace of city life (at least not to me, though I do know of friends who travel to Malaysia or Indonesia every 3 months!). Recently I also read in the papers about a preschool called Little Bunnies that was becoming increasingly popular amongst Singaporean expats, because they had no classroom, but brought kids to outdoor areas and fixed up a fence and it was their classroom. And when I looked at the photo in the newspaper, the kids were indeed sitting before a teacher surrounded by nature.
So the sum of all these little events was I resolved to bring my kids to some nature over the weekend, so that they would not only know indoor environments. If not, they may not know how to appreciate nature anymore. And didn't God make us originally gardeners? So there is (according to Pastor Rony) an innate appreciation and love of gardens in man. So, last Saturday we resolutely made the long journey to Botanic Gardens. I had also called the weather information and they predicted "Cloudy" for Singapore and areas in Central, from 5-7pm, which was a green light for us to set out.
When we reached there, Caleb had already fallen asleep in the car, so we put him in the stroller, and wheeled him all around the garden. Jack was still awake so we took turns carrying him, mainly the maid and me, and sometimes my hubby. It turned out to be a very pleasant late afternoon.
Firstly, we realised as we walked that there was a denseness of trees and climbers, bushes and plants along the path, which I had not appreciated before. The richness of the foliage and the different hues of green captivated me, and the fresh air (you know, the scent from being in a very 'ulu place', which smells of trees), coupled by the cool temperatures, made for very enjoyable walking. There were also different types of flowers on some trees, if you stopped to look, and some of it looked so alien and out-of-this-world they just made me think of the words "weird and wonderful". I never knew God had created such funny-looking flowers or fruits, and that they existed in tropical Singapore! Then after a short stroll, we came to a crossroads and there seemed to be multiple attractions in both directions. However I was attracted by the signs that said "Eco-garden" and "Jacob-Ballas Children's Garden", so having limited time, we started on that path. Along that path, we came across some herbs/scent garden, smelled coriander, and saw garlic and pineapple plants, and saw bananas growing on a tree (which we excitedly pointed out to Jack, as he likes bananas and has never seen them hanging anywhere except on our kitchen wall and in stalls at the market).
After walking a while along that path, we came to an open field, where people were picnicing or playing cricket, and eventually to a pond, which as we came nearer, looked like a scene ripe for a Monet painting - it was green, had some organic stuff floating on it, and many ducks swimming peacefully or standing on the edge preening themselves (I was surprised to see how many there were), 2 big black swans, and many tortoises, all swimming near the edge, where people were watching them. This was way more wildlife than I had ever encountered in all my previous excursions to the Botanic Gardens and being an animal-lover, I excitedly brought Jack near to the water's edge to observe the wildlife. But alas, he was more interested in chasing the pigeons which were nearby. I sometimes wonder if he has a stronger hunter instinct than most. Then, the peaceful silence was broken by increasingly alarmed cries of "no! no! no! no!" and a golden retriever had broken off from his owner (an Indian lady) and was making for the lake, and when he reached it, he waded in happily without hesitation, until he was up to his chest in water, and stood there looking quite content, a bit hesitant whether to chase the ducks or swans, and it was so funny. Eventually he came out, shook himself all over, and trotted happily after his owner, who chided him half-laughing for providing "free entertainment" to everyone.
After that, we walked on and finally came to the children's garden. I don't recall much of it, except there were some fake trees and signs explaining photosynthesis (Jack being too young to understand) and a playground which had a wall with funny shapes on it, which make different sounds if you strike on them. Then we got out, and headed back.
On the way back, we were in for 2 pleasant surprises - one is that we managed to catch the different colours of the sunset through the trees - and it's been a while since I gazed at any sunset, and I was treated to a display of iridescent crystal pinks on the left, and light crystal blue and yellow on the right. So beautiful. And all the while breathing such fresh air and walking so much, I felt healthy and whole.
Then as we were reaching our carpark, we came across a band playing under a tree. I approached them, wanting to my son to see people playing musical instruments (neither me nor my hubby play any at home), and realised how refreshing it was to listen to a band up close, playing live. How clear and heavenly the sounds of a classical guitar being strummed up close! I have always been content to listen to the radio or CDs, and was never one to be much into live concerts. In fact the few I attended were disappointments, maybe cos they didn't sound as good as the CD and I was standing too far back to take a good look at the musicians' faces. But here in the Botanic Gardens, listening to these amateur musicians jam away song after song, under a tree, which seemed to amplify their sound, under the fading light, with other bystanders standing nearby or sitting on benches, all appreciating the music, not wanting to be anywhere but here on a Sunday afternoon, I was blown away by the experience. The powerful strums of the guitars, the harmonising of the vocals and the occasional strains of the violin, rising above the strumming of the guitar, gave a wistful, beautiful angle to the whole thing. They weren't that good (the lead singer had a forgetteable voice, and sometimes the harmonising was offkey), but I couldn't help swaying from side to side to the beat. I realised how much music is able to touch one's soul, and I felt my spirit soaring. One of the songs had the line "I'm not moving" in it and I wished they played more alternative songs. And after listening to 3 songs, we finally moved on. This was followed by dinner at casa verde (I brought Caleb to the corner to watch the two men making pizzas through a glass window, and to see the many dogs sitting next to their owners, but alas, he was always gazing at the owners rather than the dogs - testament to his different personality from his brother - him preferring always the human face, while his brother focuses on anything that moves) where we managed to fill 3 stomachs to the brim with just $43 and even Caleb had a bit of bread, licking them off his hands that tightly clutched the bread, and then a trip home where Jack conked out. A wonderful late afternoon at Botanic Gardens. And we didn't even explore 1/5th of it! Now I understand why people say the Botanic Gardens is a national gem, and why my Director mused "With Botanic Gardens, one really questions why we need a Gardens by the Bay?"
Saturday, May 11, 2013
How Do I Know This is the Right One?
In the last few years of my life, I have realized one question has gripped the hearts of many people around me, ranging from university students to working adults like me. I have casually tossed out this question to a group of university students and had them unwilling to release me until I had shared my answer; I have had lunch conversations with colleagues to find the conversation steering to this question; I have found myself talking to my friends over the phone as they shared their dilemmas and questions about their dates and ending with this question. That burning question is: How do I know if this is the right one for me?
Firstly, let me caveat that I do not believe there is A right one for anyone in the whole world, because as one friend of mine so eloquently put it, if there is such a thing, all it takes is one person to marry the WRONG one, and it would cause a domino effect where many others will marry the wrong ones for them, because their right partners have been taken up by someone else. Here is how it works: let’s say person A is meant to marry person B. If person A ends up, for some reason, marrying person C, who is meant to marry person D, then both person B and D would be without their ideal partners, which means they need to marry someone else’s ideal partners, thereby causing more people to be without their ideal mates, and on it goes. Makes a lot of sense to me.
Secondly, if you are a girl, the most important question to first ask yourself, before going any further, is: Is the guy romantically interested in you? Now, this is important to establish because if not, then all further analysis is a waste of time, and also because this area is so fraught with difficulty. Interpreting guys' signals are not that easy. Some guys are straight as an arrow. Others are subtle and indirect. Some are fast (I see, I like, I take). Others take a looong time getting to know the girl and sussing out the girl's liking before making their intentions known. Some guys are shy and making longer eye contact or stammering in her presence is their way of showing interest. Some guys use constant teasing to indicate their liking. Others can hug girls, sms and/or call them every day, ask the girl out on frequent dates, and still treat the girl as a platonic friend. So as you can see, guys vary quite a lot in the way they treat girls.
There have been many instances whereby girls have spent a lot of time and energy painstakingly going over every detail of what the guy said and did, in their minds or with their friends, only to find out afterwards that it was due to their overactive imagination ((yup, been on the giving AND the receiving end of this). To prevent such time-wasting emotional roller coasters, I would advise females out there to just be warm and friendly to everyone (yes, including girls cos we still need our girl pals! They rock!), but to only consider a guy seriously if the guy has somehow verbally expressed interest in you. Asking you out on a date or multiple dates doesn’t count. Being the butt of his teasing and jokes every time you meet doesn't count. Having a lot of “chemistry” and laughter when you’re together doesn’t count. Him giving you a gift doesn't count. Remember, I am just saying this to protect you from emotional heartbreak and feeling like a fool at the end of it all. Many guys can do all this and still treat the girl as just a sister or a really good friend. What I have realised is that if you are not sending out negative, I’m-not-interested, go-away signals, the guys who are genuinely interested WILL eventually come out to make their intentions clear (or make it clear through their friends – the important thing is that this guy makes it clear such that you cannot possibly misunderstand him).
Let’s say you are interested in the guy, but are not sure, what should you do with your feelings at that stage? Well, just be focused on and occupied with whatever else is going on in your life right now, be it studies, CCAs, work, family friends. Do NOT neglect your family nor your friends at this stage. You will find the transition back to normal life, should the guy prove to only treat you as a normal friend, or find a girlfriend along the way, to be much easier. Even better still, introduce the guy to your other friends, so you can all hang out together once in a while. You can also get their opinions on him in the process :) Of course, if you can still have one-on-one dates with him too, which allows for more in-depth conversations.
For guys, I find that it's not so much of an issue of determining if the girl is interested, as knowing if you are interested. That is because I find that even if a girl is not initially warm towards a guy, guys can influence girls' feelings by e.g. expressing liking for them, doing many nice and sweet things for them, showing them extra care and concern all the time, and becoming their good friend. Girls are more "responders", in the way we are designed. Of course, after getting to know the girl and deciding that you really like her and would like to take it to the next step, then it is the time to know for sure if she's interested by asking her to be your girlfriend. As guys are usually the initiators, this shouldn't be much of a problem. And if she turns you down, just continue doing the above and ask her again later on when she has had time to think about it and to get to know you a bit more. Of course before that there are the usual telltale signs of a girl's interest: e.g. going out with you, talking to you for long periods, laughing at your jokes etc. If she does the above, at least you know she is not turned off by you. But again, the surest way to confirm is to ask.
Ok, let’s say girls are sure the guy is interested (for girls), and guys are sure they are interested in the girl. How do you know this is the Right One? There are a few criteria which I have found do help to make for a successful and blissful marriage in the long-term:
1. Do you share the same core beliefs?
Now, notice I said core beliefs, and not preferences (e.g. in hobbies, food, dressing, décor) or personalities (e.g. outgoing, introverted, optimistic, pessimistic, talkative, quiet, messy, organised). In fact, I have found that couples can have very different personalities and preferences, and still have a loving marriage together. Of course, the more differences, the more adjustments, sacrifice and tolerance will be needed, but these are what make married life fun and challenging. It is my belief that working through differences gives couples a sense of satisfaction, a chance for character development (e.g. patience when you want to nag for the umpteenth time, gentleness and self-control when all you want is to lose your temper) and to learn personal sacrifice – things with intrinsic value in themselves. However, when a couple differs in their core beliefs, especially those that pertain to married life (e.g. marriage, sex, family, kids) and religion, this will present problems later on, and should be discussed and hopefully ironed out before moving towards marriage. By ironed out, I mean have a common understanding of the problem, of each other’s stands, and how both intend to deal with it. Very simple. Now, because it is unlikely that both parties agree totally on every core belief, it is advisable for all couples to talk through these issues before marriage, to see how wide the gap is and to attempt to narrow them and come to a workable compromise. Sharing the same beliefs on issues like on marriage are important because if one party believes in marriage, and the other does not, the question that inevitably arises is – to marry or not to marry? Do both have the same view of the sanctity of marriage? The fidelity required and the behaviour that would be deemed unacceptable? The responsibilities and roles of each partner?
I have found that there may be differences in degree of belief, and in particular, the outworkings of these beliefs. For instance, before I got married, I used to get into rows with my then-boyfriend when I went out with my guy friends (often from courses, projects, work) one-on-one. He didn’t have as much problem with my old friends as the ones from work whom he had not met before, or had met but did not have a good feeling about. It did not help when I would recount the fun I had during those meetings, as there was often the initial “glow” and fun of getting to know someone well for the first time. As I had been doing this before I got attached, and I genuinely took them as friends, I felt not being able to do this restricted my freedom tremendously. However, when he explained to me in depth how uncomfortable and threatened he felt about this, the danger I was exposing myself to, and how important this was to him, I figured I loved him more than I desired to keep meeting up with my male friends one-on-one. So we agreed that I would no longer do it, and if such an occasion arose, I would check with him first. So while we both agreed on the core belief “we must be faithful in a marital relationship”, we had to discuss and eventually agree on what this meant in terms of acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. Another rule we set was that I should not confide anything in a guy that I did not confide in him. This maintained our emotional closeness, and meant I would never be closer to another guy than my own husband.
Issues of sex and physical intimacy are also key. How physically intimate should both be before marriage? When does sex occur? These are important areas to get agreement on well before marriage so that both parties (especially males) don’t feel frustrated or rejected and girls don’t feel like they had engaged in “mortal combat” after every date. Good ways to communicate preferences to guys is tell them that if they love us, they would respect our bodies and wait before getting physically intimate. I tell them I believe in sexual purity before marriage and need them to help me keep it. You can have a good debate on where exactly the physical boundaries are (where can hands go? What places are off-limits? My ex-pastor said whatever is covered by a swimsuit is off-limits), but usually, the more conservative party wins. Reassure them this does not mean you love them any less, but you are just not comfortable and you think it’s for both your protection. Temptation is a slippery slope! If they refuse, then maybe it’s better to seriously discuss their basic assumptions and thinking of what a relationship and marriage entails. Understand why they think that way and try to correct any wrong thinking or try to reach a compromise that would not seriously damage your integrity. I tend to just state my boundaries and adopt a take-it-or-leave-it stance to the hapless guy. My first boyfriend gave up the relationship because we could not agree on physical boundaries and how much time we needed to spend together (he wanted more time than I could give, and he gradually felt more and moreneglected), but the second one (my husband) respected my boundaries. Resolve in your heart what are the boundaries, and state them clearly to the guy. That way when you reject his advances, he knows exactly why. This would also reduce the chances of him trying to cross them! Other core beliefs important to marriage include how to view and treat in-laws (a potential source of great tension in a marriage), how to manage money and whether to have kids (the question of how many to have often cannot be realistically answered until the first one has come along).
Sharing the same religion, especially when one or both parties are very religious, allows for better understanding, supporting each other and resolving problems together in a common way, especially during times of crisis, that would not be possible for two persons sharing different faiths. It also boils down to what both parties can accept. Some people do not mind the other person sharing the same faith as long as the person does not stop him or her from following the faith. The key is to enter into a marriage knowingly and willingly.
2. Are you both good friends?
As this will be the person you will spend the rest of your life with, it is best if the person is your best friend of that gender. That means he or she is someone you feel comfortable sharing everything with, enjoying talking to and have fun together with. It is good to take some time to get to know the person, as certain things do not surface until sufficient time has passed. What is he or she like around family? Their friends? When things go wrong?
3. Do you have a healthy way of resolving conflicts?
This is a very important point, as conflicts will DEFINITELY arise in a marriage. A joining of two persons with different backgrounds, personalities, preferences and family upbringing together will definitely result in some friction and clashes due to differing opinions on how to handle a situation or differing preferences at some time. A couple with a healthy method of resolving conflicts will have a strong foundation for a long and successful marriage. A couple that is unable to resolve conflicts properly, will enter into marriage with a timebomb waiting to go off. Now first let me state unhealthy ways of resolving conflict:
a) Avoidance and Jumping to Conclusions
This is a preference to ignore the problem, sweep it under the carpet and continue as if nothing had happened. This is usually due to an intense dislike of open conflict and confrontation, or lack of confidence or ability to handle it. If the problem is sufficiently serious, it will probably recur. Avoiding does not solve the problem at all but merely postpones it to some future point when it blows up, often of a gigantic proportion by that time, sometimes out of proportion with the problem itself because it had weeks, months, years to fester and grow, and was not nipped in the bud when it was small. This is often compounded by a lack of clarification of the problem, leading to one party jumping to conclusions about the other party from his/her behaviour or words. Now we all do that. Because we all grew up with a set of social norms and a certain amount of social conditioning, when a person does A, it generally means B. If we needed to clarify every single behaviour and phrase, communication would take forever. However, when people with different experiences and upbringing interact, there are instances when miscommunication occurs, and even more so when people from different genders communicate. Below are just a sampling of examples of miscommunication and jumping to conclusions:
- To Girl B, asking personal questions of another indicates care and concern, and to voluntarily talk about oneself can be seen as being self-centred. To Guy A, asking personal questions can be seen as being rather nosey. When they are together, Girl B asks Guy A a lot of personal questions, and while Guy A answers, he doesn’t ask her any in return. After a while, Girl B concludes Guy A is not interested in Girl B’s life at all. Guy A wonders why Girl B is so nosey and keeps asking him questions about himself and doesn’t say anything about herself.
- Guy A comments that a certain new girl in his office is very beautiful. To him, that comment was just commenting on someone’s outward beauty, it doesn’t mean he wants to date her or her to be his girlfriend. Girl B knows the new girl. She assumes Guy A is showing romantic interest in her, and thinks what a shallow guy he is.
- When Guy A and Girl B goes out, Guy A keeps bringing Girl B to the usual cheap places. Girl B thinks Guy A is very boring and miserly, but she thinks the guy would not take well to her suggesting more expensive and nicer places. Actually Guy A just does not know what other places to go to, and he enjoys such places. However he would be ok to go to other places if Girl B suggests.
When these behaviour and words are not clarified, they are then ‘stored’ in a mental storehouse, with all the other similar grievances, for a day when they all come out, and often the other party is not sure what made his or her partner so upset.
b) Peacemaking at all costs
This is where a person gives in to the other person’s wishes, so as to have peace. If done too much, the other person may become more and more demanding and unreasonable (because he or she is never told no to), and the peacemaker’s needs not being met and views not being heard or preferences valued. This may breed resentment in the peacemaker and bossy behaviour in the partner.
c) Confrontation
This is where the person prefers to talk about the problem with the other person and come to a solution. In confronting the problem, instead of hurling accusations and angry words (without clarification), the upset party should specify the behaviour that upset them and explain why they are so upset. The other party should then share what led to the behaviour instead of (i) clamping up in a shell (avoidance) or (ii) hurling back other accusations ("yeah, I know I’m not good enough for you", "you are so naggy").
Once both parties are both satisfied they understand exactly where each other is coming from, they can then work to find a solution. Solutions can take many forms. It could be something as simple as “Ok I won’t do it again,” or a more complicated “If you want me to stop doing it, just drop me a hint, say ‘xxyy’ instead of shouting at me”, or “Before I do it I will ask you for permission, so you can say no if you don’t like it,”, “Since you don’t like me to do xxyy during [condition 1 which annoys the partner], I will do it during [condition 2 which does not annoy the partner].”
I have also learnt that confrontation can be done in a calm way, or in a ranting, raving sort of way. For example, the voices in my family go up in decibels in proportion of how upset we are. Vigorous arm flailing accompanies the voices when the heatedness reaches a certain point. However, I have learnt that when the voices go above a certain point, the constructive conflict resolution process cannot be followed through because the emotions get too heated up and pride gets in the way of, for instance, of admitting the wrong behaviour on my part. Usually a calm, non-threatening (using “I” words like “I feel”, “I am” instead of “you always”, “you are”) description of the behaviour that upset me, and why it upset me, is a good starting point. Then I back off, and wait for an explanation. Then, I am in a frame of mind to evaluate the reply, see if it makes sense. If it does and it was a misunderstanding, I will just say “Oh, I thought you…”, and that would be the end of the discussion. And the issue is resolved before having a chance to fester in my heart and for me to hold a grievance against my husband. If the reply was not satisfactory, I will usually follow up with “Well, do you know that when you do that, it makes me look/feel/think…” and “Can you not do this again?” And quite often, it was not such a big deal to my husband (e.g. talking bad about my parents) and he agrees. Here, it helps to have a pre-agreed set of principles on attitude/principles towards parents, in-laws friends, money, work, time etc. Of course, it doesn’t mean he changes 100% from then on, and never does it again. But it does mean both parties have an established understanding of how a certain behaviour (e.g. being late in my case) affects the other party (makes him boil) and the party will try not to do it, unless there are extenuating reasons (e.g. the last email I just have to answer, stopping to chat or lending a listening ear to my colleague on the way out), or out of forgetfulness or sheer laziness. But if it is a big deal, he will probably insist on his point of view and try to dispel my discomfort (I really don’t mean anything when I say that girl is gorgeous…), and it goes on. If I still don’t accept it, I will reply and he will reply, until one party wins out in the end. Err.. usually me! Hence, I hope that I have explained the importance of timely and good quality communication. Clarify anything that upset you immediately, or as soon as possible, instead of jumping to conclusions about the other person, and harbouring resentment.
Unreliable Indicators of Compatibility
One of the indicators that I found extremely unreliable in predicting compatibility was how much sparks and chemistry I enjoyed with the other person. I have enjoyed great chemistry with people, with whom I did not share certain core beliefs in, who had stilted conflict resolution methods, or who did not like me romantically (as much as I wanted them to). To have gotten together with them (if that were possible) would have caused me a lot of heartache and problems later on. I have also met someone with whom I do not have much chemistry, but has been my good friend, shares my core beliefs, and has very positive conflict resolution methods. And yes, the person also liked me with a love that lasted over many break-ups. It took me a long time to recognize that the latter person made for a better life partner than all the earlier guys who seemed to “connect” with me better, with whom we enjoy so much more sparks and fun and laughter.
Another unreliable indicator I have found was (guys – get this!) physical attractiveness. I have realized that very few of us can keep marveling about how pretty someone’s eyes are, how fair their skin or how lustrous their hair, the whole time we are talking to the person. One doesn’t notice physical attractiveness moments after the conversation starts. Yes, I appreciate healthy-looking, properly-groomed and appropriately-dressed individuals. They are pleasant to look at and delight the eyes. But this is not a good criteria with which to judge a person for lifelong companionship. Inner beauty, such as intelligence, wit, considerate behaviour, love, kindness, gentleness, sharing of interests, are far more important.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)