Seek First to Understand....

The 5th habit is called Seek First to Understand, then be Understood.  It's strange how my events in my life seems to develop around the latest habit I'm reading. Either that or I'm darned good at drawing inferences.  Anyway, I'll let you be the judge of that.

This habit talks about how we tend to project our own biographies (our experiences, motivations, preferences, ethics) onto other people, thinking they are like us, when actually many come from very different backgrounds and perspectives, and what they are saying could be something very different.  When we fail to fully understand the other, our response will be somewhat limited or off-the-mark. 

It encourages us to really listen to the other person to understand where they are coming from, their emotional state, instead of thinking of your own reply, or interpreting what they are saying in light of your own biography.  This is really hard, cos, well I guess that's what I've been doing all along.

But it goes on to say that when we succeed in doing that, we give the other person the gift of understanding, which is a great emotional deposit.  And when they are assured that we understand them, they actually become a lot more receptive to what we have to say.  Hmm... not bad for a persuasion technique.  Ok, I'm not supposed to think that, or I would go right back into being a manipulative listener... It kind of requires us to suspend our agendas for a time to really listen and understand.  Wa, I think it will be quite a mental workout since that is just not what we are used to!

Anyway, these past few weeks, I've had the opportunity to visit two friends with young children - one was my hubby's friend, who recently added a third child (a boy) to his two girls, and we decided to visit them just for the fun of it (the boy was already about 5 months old).  The second one was my friend who recently gave birth to her first boy, and we went to the boy's 1-month party.  Both experiences opened my eyes to the wide range of parenting styles there are on this planet (ok, that's an exaggeration, but it's wide enough that I marvel that such parents exist).

First, we went to visit my hubby's friend at about 7pm on Sat night, they had just arrived back home from being out the whole day and the mom was in the kitchen with the maid while the father was standing in the living room loosening his tie.  When I entered their home, I immediately noticed their son lying prone on a Winnie-the-Pooh mat doing swimming motions to himself.  His two sisters were playing with toys by the side, but as he was not yet mobile, he couldn't quite join in.  So I went to speak to him and play with him.  When he saw me, he got real excited and smiled, his movements becoming more energetic.  He was such an adorable child.  As the night progressed, we made a disturbing observation - neither parent paid any attention to the 3 kids while we were there.  The mom was busy cooking in the kitchen with her maid, she hardly appeared except to ask the two older girls to have dinner, and the father was talking to my hubby the whole time.  When the youngest son flipped over on his back and started yelping cos his legs were stuck under a low table, I was the only one who noticed and turned him upright.  When he started putting a red crayon into his mouth, it was my hubby (who is normally quite inattentive to kids) who shouted "Stop him!" repeatedly until someone took it out of his mouth.  And the funniest thing of the night was, when the maid and mom carried the youngest son into their bedroom for his night feed, we suddenly heard a loud crying that went on for quite a while, and suddenly it went very quiet.  And before we knew it, my maid was entered the living room carrying the little boy!  This was quickly intercepted by the other mom, who quickly whisked him away back into the room, and said her maid was just preparing the milk, she would take care of the baby.  My hubby and I laughed, as it was so ingrained in our maid to always respond promptly to distressed crying (in fact, the adults get more worked up than the baby sometimes), that she instinctively did what she felt was best - to carry and comfort the poor boy.  Later, I snuck into the bedroom with my maid, to sneak a peek at the boy drinking milk, and he was so cute!  He was lying on his back, holding a big bottle with both his hands, sucking insistently while staring at a spot on the ceiling.  And the maid said this was his happiest moment of the day.  And he would sleep soon after.  I couldn't help pitying the boy, as no one was holding him as he drank, and we also learnt during dinner, that both parents had gone through a period of sleep training (cry-it-out method - thanks Gina Ford), where they had trained him to go to sleep on his own without adult carrying or rocking.  Now tis just flies against my own knowledge of what constitutes good parenting (especially in the first year when what they need is predictable responsive parenting to assure them the world is a safe place and they are too old to manipulate with cries yet).  Ok ok I admit I am a product of attachment parenting (I belong to the Dr William Sears club), but the science and research that shows it is good for the child is so abundant!  I wondered if the boy would turn out ok, and if he would always hold a part of him back, cos he was trained as a kid not to expect affection and to "suck it up" and move on.  Perhaps that is the genesis of many emotionally restrained, unexpressive men.  Or perhaps not.  I am just drawing my own conclusions here, and I have not factored in other influencing factors like his genetic make-up, his teachers, his friends, his school and ultimately, God.

My second visit was to my friend, who married late and just had her first.  At the 1-month party, she looked slim and radiant, as a new mother, and though she was busy entertaining many guests, I could not help feeling excited and happy for her, thinking back to the time when I had my first kid (projecting my own experiences!).  But when I asked her (during a moment's respite when she was sitting near me) if she was feeling very maternal now, she shook her head and said no.  I was shocked.  She said her hubby seems to take to fatherhood a lot more than her, often going straight to the kid when he got home, to carry and talk to him for an hour straight (even when he was sleeping)!  Whereas for her, when she gets home she might head over to take a look at the baby, and if he was awake she would say "Kuai dian shui jiao!  Yao bu ran ba ni diu diao!" (sleep quick, or I'll throw you away!). And she shrugged indifferently when I asked her how breastfeeding was - it was ok, but she pumps out all her milk cos her boy likes to suck a little too much, sometimes sucking for 45 min.

All these experiences made me realise there are many kinds of mothers (a non-maternal mother just makes me shudder, a little), and different kinds of fathers, that despite it all, kids still grow up, and they live and walk and work around us.  So, no wonder that we all come from different backgrounds, upbringing, have different "scripts" written in our minds!

Just that little difference in the kind of parents we had (whether they are Gina Ford or William Sears followers) could spell the big difference deep down inside their emotional make-up (which I understand from research, shapes the parts of the brain that develop later, which are reasoning, cognition and creativity).

I thought I should try to apply this listening technique (of seeking to really understand the person) to someone these few days, but I still haven't found the opportunity.  Perhaps the one person I did try it on was my elder son, Jack, who is now very adept at throwing spectacular tantrums.  After punishing him harshly through the naughty corner (which I think he remembers with pain till today), I thought a better way could be to understand what he wants (to do whatever seems fun to him) and to try to go along with it.  Yes, the word "no" triggers a meltdown like a match to fire, so now I try to avoid saying it.  It's an exercise in creativity!   "Later" is a favourite, or just "ok" (and not do it), or explain why he cannot have it (I realised if I say long sentences, he tends to get lost trying to follow and forget to throw a tantrum).  I still set limits, and he still flouts them (like throwing lego pieces in all directions when he is frustrated) but I am learning that a sharp look and disapproving words plus removing people from harm's way is as good a teaching tip as beating him at this stage.  I think he gets it that he shouldn't do it, he just can't control himself yet.  I just learnt from a website the best way to deal with a tantrum is just to hold him and be with him until it subsides (in a private place where he cannot disturb others), and then when he has calmed down, to explain to him why he could not have it/do it/should not have done it.  Sigh, so much to learn! 

I also remember what a Pastor's wife once told me.  "The most important thing I did right with both my kids was - I always prayed for them". 

The next person I would want to try this tip on, would probably be my husband, who is as different from me as chalk and cheese in certain matters.  But more on that in another post.