How Do I Know This is the Right One?

In the last few years of my life, I have realized one question has gripped the hearts of many people around me, ranging from university students to working adults like me. I have casually tossed out this question to a group of university students and had them unwilling to release me until I had shared my answer; I have had lunch conversations with colleagues to find the conversation steering to this question; I have found myself talking to my friends over the phone as they shared their dilemmas and questions about their dates and ending with this question. That burning question is: How do I know if this is the right one for me?

 

Firstly, let me caveat that I do not believe there is A right one for anyone in the whole world, because as one friend of mine so eloquently put it, if there is such a thing, all it takes is one person to marry the WRONG one, and it would cause a domino effect where many others will marry the wrong ones for them, because their right partners have been taken up by someone else. Here is how it works: let’s say person A is meant to marry person B. If person A ends up, for some reason, marrying person C, who is meant to marry person D, then both person B and D would be without their ideal partners, which means they need to marry someone else’s ideal partners, thereby causing more people to be without their ideal mates, and on it goes. Makes a lot of sense to me.

Secondly, if you are a girl, the most important question to first ask yourself, before going any further, is: Is the guy romantically interested in you? Now, this is important to establish because if not, then all further analysis is a waste of time, and also because this area is so fraught with difficulty. Interpreting guys' signals are not that easy. Some guys are straight as an arrow. Others are subtle and indirect. Some are fast (I see, I like, I take). Others take a looong time getting to know the girl and sussing out the girl's liking before making their intentions known. Some guys are shy and making longer eye contact or stammering in her presence is their way of showing interest. Some guys use constant teasing to indicate their liking. Others can hug girls, sms and/or call them every day, ask the girl out on frequent dates, and still treat the girl as a platonic friend. So as you can see, guys vary quite a lot in the way they treat girls.

There have been many instances whereby girls have spent a lot of time and energy painstakingly going over every detail of what the guy said and did, in their minds or with their friends, only to find out afterwards that it was due to their overactive imagination ((yup, been on the giving AND the receiving end of this). To prevent such time-wasting emotional roller coasters, I would advise females out there to just be warm and friendly to everyone (yes, including girls cos we still need our girl pals! They rock!), but to only consider a guy seriously if the guy has somehow verbally expressed interest in you. Asking you out on a date or multiple dates doesn’t count. Being the butt of his teasing and jokes every time you meet doesn't count. Having a lot of “chemistry” and laughter when you’re together doesn’t count. Him giving you a gift doesn't count. Remember, I am just saying this to protect you from emotional heartbreak and feeling like a fool at the end of it all. Many guys can do all this and still treat the girl as just a sister or a really good friend. What I have realised is that if you are not sending out negative, I’m-not-interested, go-away signals, the guys who are genuinely interested WILL eventually come out to make their intentions clear (or make it clear through their friends – the important thing is that this guy makes it clear such that you cannot possibly misunderstand him).

Let’s say you are interested in the guy, but are not sure, what should you do with your feelings at that stage? Well, just be focused on and occupied with whatever else is going on in your life right now, be it studies, CCAs, work, family friends. Do NOT neglect your family nor your friends at this stage. You will find the transition back to normal life, should the guy prove to only treat you as a normal friend, or find a girlfriend along the way, to be much easier. Even better still, introduce the guy to your other friends, so you can all hang out together once in a while. You can also get their opinions on him in the process :) Of course, if you can still have one-on-one dates with him too, which allows for more in-depth conversations.

For guys, I find that it's not so much of an issue of determining if the girl is interested, as knowing if you are interested. That is because I find that even if a girl is not initially warm towards a guy, guys can influence girls' feelings by e.g. expressing liking for them, doing many nice and sweet things for them, showing them extra care and concern all the time, and becoming their good friend. Girls are more "responders", in the way we are designed. Of course, after getting to know the girl and deciding that you really like her and would like to take it to the next step, then it is the time to know for sure if she's interested by asking her to be your girlfriend. As guys are usually the initiators, this shouldn't be much of a problem. And if she turns you down, just continue doing the above and ask her again later on when she has had time to think about it and to get to know you a bit more. Of course before that there are the usual telltale signs of a girl's interest: e.g. going out with you, talking to you for long periods, laughing at your jokes etc. If she does the above, at least you know she is not turned off by you. But again, the surest way to confirm is to ask.

Ok, let’s say girls are sure the guy is interested (for girls), and guys are sure they are interested in the girl. How do you know this is the Right One? There are a few criteria which I have found do help to make for a successful and blissful marriage in the long-term:

1. Do you share the same core beliefs?

Now, notice I said core beliefs, and not preferences (e.g. in hobbies, food, dressing, décor) or personalities (e.g. outgoing, introverted, optimistic, pessimistic, talkative, quiet, messy, organised). In fact, I have found that couples can have very different personalities and preferences, and still have a loving marriage together. Of course, the more differences, the more adjustments, sacrifice and tolerance will be needed, but these are what make married life fun and challenging. It is my belief that working through differences gives couples a sense of satisfaction, a chance for character development (e.g. patience when you want to nag for the umpteenth time, gentleness and self-control when all you want is to lose your temper) and to learn personal sacrifice – things with intrinsic value in themselves. However, when a couple differs in their core beliefs, especially those that pertain to married life (e.g. marriage, sex, family, kids) and religion, this will present problems later on, and should be discussed and hopefully ironed out before moving towards marriage. By ironed out, I mean have a common understanding of the problem, of each other’s stands, and how both intend to deal with it. Very simple. Now, because it is unlikely that both parties agree totally on every core belief, it is advisable for all couples to talk through these issues before marriage, to see how wide the gap is and to attempt to narrow them and come to a workable compromise. Sharing the same beliefs on issues like on marriage are important because if one party believes in marriage, and the other does not, the question that inevitably arises is – to marry or not to marry? Do both have the same view of the sanctity of marriage? The fidelity required and the behaviour that would be deemed unacceptable? The responsibilities and roles of each partner?

I have found that there may be differences in degree of belief, and in particular, the outworkings of these beliefs. For instance, before I got married, I used to get into rows with my then-boyfriend when I went out with my guy friends (often from courses, projects, work) one-on-one. He didn’t have as much problem with my old friends as the ones from work whom he had not met before, or had met but did not have a good feeling about. It did not help when I would recount the fun I had during those meetings, as there was often the initial “glow” and fun of getting to know someone well for the first time. As I had been doing this before I got attached, and I genuinely took them as friends, I felt not being able to do this restricted my freedom tremendously. However, when he explained to me in depth how uncomfortable and threatened he felt about this, the danger I was exposing myself to, and how important this was to him, I figured I loved him more than I desired to keep meeting up with my male friends one-on-one. So we agreed that I would no longer do it, and if such an occasion arose, I would check with him first. So while we both agreed on the core belief “we must be faithful in a marital relationship”, we had to discuss and eventually agree on what this meant in terms of acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. Another rule we set was that I should not confide anything in a guy that I did not confide in him. This maintained our emotional closeness, and meant I would never be closer to another guy than my own husband.

Issues of sex and physical intimacy are also key. How physically intimate should both be before marriage? When does sex occur? These are important areas to get agreement on well before marriage so that both parties (especially males) don’t feel frustrated or rejected and girls don’t feel like they had engaged in “mortal combat” after every date. Good ways to communicate preferences to guys is tell them that if they love us, they would respect our bodies and wait before getting physically intimate. I tell them I believe in sexual purity before marriage and need them to help me keep it. You can have a good debate on where exactly the physical boundaries are (where can hands go? What places are off-limits? My ex-pastor said whatever is covered by a swimsuit is off-limits), but usually, the more conservative party wins. Reassure them this does not mean you love them any less, but you are just not comfortable and you think it’s for both your protection. Temptation is a slippery slope! If they refuse, then maybe it’s better to seriously discuss their basic assumptions and thinking of what a relationship and marriage entails. Understand why they think that way and try to correct any wrong thinking or try to reach a compromise that would not seriously damage your integrity. I tend to just state my boundaries and adopt a take-it-or-leave-it stance to the hapless guy. My first boyfriend gave up the relationship because we could not agree on physical boundaries and how much time we needed to spend together (he wanted more time than I could give, and he gradually felt more and moreneglected), but the second one (my husband) respected my boundaries. Resolve in your heart what are the boundaries, and state them clearly to the guy. That way when you reject his advances, he knows exactly why. This would also reduce the chances of him trying to cross them! Other core beliefs important to marriage include how to view and treat in-laws (a potential source of great tension in a marriage), how to manage money and whether to have kids (the question of how many to have often cannot be realistically answered until the first one has come along).

Sharing the same religion, especially when one or both parties are very religious, allows for better understanding, supporting each other and resolving problems together in a common way, especially during times of crisis, that would not be possible for two persons sharing different faiths. It also boils down to what both parties can accept. Some people do not mind the other person sharing the same faith as long as the person does not stop him or her from following the faith. The key is to enter into a marriage knowingly and willingly.

2. Are you both good friends?

As this will be the person you will spend the rest of your life with, it is best if the person is your best friend of that gender. That means he or she is someone you feel comfortable sharing everything with, enjoying talking to and have fun together with. It is good to take some time to get to know the person, as certain things do not surface until sufficient time has passed. What is he or she like around family? Their friends? When things go wrong?

3. Do you have a healthy way of resolving conflicts?

This is a very important point, as conflicts will DEFINITELY arise in a marriage. A joining of two persons with different backgrounds, personalities, preferences and family upbringing together will definitely result in some friction and clashes due to differing opinions on how to handle a situation or differing preferences at some time. A couple with a healthy method of resolving conflicts will have a strong foundation for a long and successful marriage. A couple that is unable to resolve conflicts properly, will enter into marriage with a timebomb waiting to go off. Now first let me state unhealthy ways of resolving conflict:

a) Avoidance and Jumping to Conclusions

This is a preference to ignore the problem, sweep it under the carpet and continue as if nothing had happened. This is usually due to an intense dislike of open conflict and confrontation, or lack of confidence or ability to handle it. If the problem is sufficiently serious, it will probably recur. Avoiding does not solve the problem at all but merely postpones it to some future point when it blows up, often of a gigantic proportion by that time, sometimes out of proportion with the problem itself because it had weeks, months, years to fester and grow, and was not nipped in the bud when it was small. This is often compounded by a lack of clarification of the problem, leading to one party jumping to conclusions about the other party from his/her behaviour or words. Now we all do that. Because we all grew up with a set of social norms and a certain amount of social conditioning, when a person does A, it generally means B. If we needed to clarify every single behaviour and phrase, communication would take forever. However, when people with different experiences and upbringing interact, there are instances when miscommunication occurs, and even more so when people from different genders communicate. Below are just a sampling of examples of miscommunication and jumping to conclusions:

• To Girl B, asking personal questions of another indicates care and concern, and to voluntarily talk about oneself can be seen as being self-centred. To Guy A, asking personal questions can be seen as being rather nosey. When they are together, Girl B asks Guy A a lot of personal questions, and while Guy A answers, he doesn’t ask her any in return. After a while, Girl B concludes Guy A is not interested in Girl B’s life at all. Guy A wonders why Girl B is so nosey and keeps asking him questions about himself and doesn’t say anything about herself.

• Guy A comments that a certain new girl in his office is very beautiful. To him, that comment was just commenting on someone’s outward beauty, it doesn’t mean he wants to date her or her to be his girlfriend. Girl B knows the new girl. She assumes Guy A is showing romantic interest in her, and thinks what a shallow guy he is.

• When Guy A and Girl B goes out, Guy A keeps bringing Girl B to the usual cheap places. Girl B thinks Guy A is very boring and miserly, but she thinks the guy would not take well to her suggesting more expensive and nicer places. Actually Guy A just does not know what other places to go to, and he enjoys such places. However he would be ok to go to other places if Girl B suggests.

When these behaviour and words are not clarified, they are then ‘stored’ in a mental storehouse, with all the other similar grievances, for a day when they all come out, and often the other party is not sure what made his or her partner so upset.

b) Peacemaking at all costs

This is where a person gives in to the other person’s wishes, so as to have peace. If done too much, the other person may become more and more demanding and unreasonable (because he or she is never told no to), and the peacemaker’s needs not being met and views not being heard or preferences valued. This may breed resentment in the peacemaker and bossy behaviour in the partner.

c) Confrontation

This is where the person prefers to talk about the problem with the other person and come to a solution. In confronting the problem, instead of hurling accusations and angry words (without clarification), the upset party should specify the behaviour that upset them and explain why they are so upset. The other party should then share what led to the behaviour instead of (i) clamping up in a shell (avoidance) or (ii) hurling back other accusations ("yeah, I know I’m not good enough for you", "you are so naggy").

Once both parties are both satisfied they understand exactly where each other is coming from, they can then work to find a solution. Solutions can take many forms. It could be something as simple as “Ok I won’t do it again,” or a more complicated “If you want me to stop doing it, just drop me a hint, say ‘xxyy’ instead of shouting at me”, or “Before I do it I will ask you for permission, so you can say no if you don’t like it,”, “Since you don’t like me to do xxyy during [condition 1 which annoys the partner], I will do it during [condition 2 which does not annoy the partner].”

I have also learnt that confrontation can be done in a calm way, or in a ranting, raving sort of way. For example, the voices in my family go up in decibels in proportion of how upset we are. Vigorous arm flailing accompanies the voices when the heatedness reaches a certain point. However, I have learnt that when the voices go above a certain point, the constructive conflict resolution process cannot be followed through because the emotions get too heated up and pride gets in the way of, for instance, of admitting the wrong behaviour on my part. Usually a calm, non-threatening (using “I” words like “I feel”, “I am” instead of “you always”, “you are”) description of the behaviour that upset me, and why it upset me, is a good starting point. Then I back off, and wait for an explanation. Then, I am in a frame of mind to evaluate the reply, see if it makes sense. If it does and it was a misunderstanding, I will just say “Oh, I thought you…”, and that would be the end of the discussion. And the issue is resolved before having a chance to fester in my heart and for me to hold a grievance against my husband. If the reply was not satisfactory, I will usually follow up with “Well, do you know that when you do that, it makes me look/feel/think…” and “Can you not do this again?” And quite often, it was not such a big deal to my husband (e.g. talking bad about my parents) and he agrees. Here, it helps to have a pre-agreed set of principles on attitude/principles towards parents, in-laws friends, money, work, time etc. Of course, it doesn’t mean he changes 100% from then on, and never does it again. But it does mean both parties have an established understanding of how a certain behaviour (e.g. being late in my case) affects the other party (makes him boil) and the party will try not to do it, unless there are extenuating reasons (e.g. the last email I just have to answer, stopping to chat or lending a listening ear to my colleague on the way out), or out of forgetfulness or sheer laziness. But if it is a big deal, he will probably insist on his point of view and try to dispel my discomfort (I really don’t mean anything when I say that girl is gorgeous…), and it goes on. If I still don’t accept it, I will reply and he will reply, until one party wins out in the end. Err.. usually me! Hence, I hope that I have explained the importance of timely and good quality communication. Clarify anything that upset you immediately, or as soon as possible, instead of jumping to conclusions about the other person, and harbouring resentment.

Unreliable Indicators of Compatibility

One of the indicators that I found extremely unreliable in predicting compatibility was how much sparks and chemistry I enjoyed with the other person. I have enjoyed great chemistry with people, with whom I did not share certain core beliefs in, who had stilted conflict resolution methods, or who did not like me romantically (as much as I wanted them to). To have gotten together with them (if that were possible) would have caused me a lot of heartache and problems later on. I have also met someone with whom I do not have much chemistry, but has been my good friend, shares my core beliefs, and has very positive conflict resolution methods. And yes, the person also liked me with a love that lasted over many break-ups. It took me a long time to recognize that the latter person made for a better life partner than all the earlier guys who seemed to “connect” with me better, with whom we enjoy so much more sparks and fun and laughter.

Another unreliable indicator I have found was (guys – get this!) physical attractiveness. I have realized that very few of us can keep marveling about how pretty someone’s eyes are, how fair their skin or how lustrous their hair, the whole time we are talking to the person. One doesn’t notice physical attractiveness moments after the conversation starts. Yes, I appreciate healthy-looking, properly-groomed and appropriately-dressed individuals. They are pleasant to look at and delight the eyes. But this is not a good criteria with which to judge a person for lifelong companionship. Inner beauty, such as intelligence, wit, considerate behaviour, love, kindness, gentleness, sharing of interests, are far more important.