How Do You Do It? My Secret Principle for Time Management

 I get asked this question a lot.  Was asked again today, by a young male colleague who asked to meet me before he left for a posting to another organisation. As we were chatting, he suddenly burst out and asked "I always wanted to ask you!  How do you do it?  Manage 4 kids and have a successful career?".  My best friend likes to ask me how I manage to take care of 4 kids and still have time to meet her for long dinners or brunches (once in a few months).  

I must say I always scratch my head to answer this question.  It's something I just do, a bit like asking a fish how do they breathe under water.  I find myself usually giving a combination of replies such as "Well, it builds up, cos you give birth one at a time, and learn to manage them one at a time. So it's not all at once!", or "I have good help. My mum and my maid help me, so I have peace of mind when I work" or "I am not a tiger mommy.  I just spend time with them after work and on weekends, and I monitor their progress in school.  If they seem to be doing ok, I will leave them be and focus on my work. If there are some warning signals, I will focus a bit more on them" or "I have been blessed with very understanding bosses, thank God." or "I don't! I'm going crazy".    

Frankly it is all of the above, plus, well, daily prioritisation of tasks either at work or at home.  As a result I am loving my Bullet Journal, which is basically just my rolling to-do list for both work and personal life, plus a smattering of journal entries when I find time and the mood to. Then whatever cannot be squeezed into what time I have, just have to let it slip.  And trust that you somehow got the big rocks in the tank, and what could not be fit in was the final liquid which overflowed and hopefully was the small stuff.

And actually I always fail to mention the most important time-saving ingredient, which can be summed up in this very popular verse "seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you".  I have found that when I put God first, somehow my work and family life gets magically done, and magically ordered, such that it didn't require me to put in the amount of effort I imagined it would.  It is a miraculous and magical, and probably God's humorous way of teaching us a lesson.  I can just imagine God chuckling at us marvelling at how come despite us eking out the time from our packed schedule and our unruly emotions to prepare that bible study, teach cell, attend church, keep our Sabbath, when we look back at our work week, it always seems extraordinarily uneventful.  To my immense surprise, I would realise that nothing crashed or burnt, and there might even be a lack of stress.  

It is probably my biggest secret principle of time management.

Tips for Pregnant Mothers

Whenever I find out that someone is expecting a baby, I just want to grab that person and tell her some key tips I learnt from reading pregnancy and parenting books, from experiences of people around me and what I gleaned from my own experience of parenting 4 young children.  

So, I thought what better way to share these tips than to write them down, so here goes. For the expectant mom or new mom:

1) Watch your emotions and try not to be in a bad mood during your pregnancy. I can't prove it, but I suspect your emotions somehow affect the baby in your tummy. I learnt this from my own experience and also from what some others shared with me. When I was pregnant with my oldest kid, I was managing a team of guys who resented my leadership, and hence managing them was like managing a herd of proud, seething cats. They made me exasperated and lose my temper quite often, and my oldest turned out to a very intense toddler. Since young, he would lose it if he couldn't get a proper latch the first time and couldn't drink anymore until you made him sleep and forget about the whole incident.  He had night terrors that lasted an hour, and until now, as an 11 year old, he still is easily angered and cannot stop himself from using his fists and nerf guns despite all our efforts to discipline him and teach him. A friend of mine who suffered from bouts of depression when she was overseas, one day told me her mom told her she had suicidal thoughts when she was pregnant. Is it linked? The feeling of intense despair and helpnessness when a foetus is forming in your womb may have somehow affected the feotus' hormonal and chemical makeup. For my other 3 kids, I was in a much better mood during pregnancy, and they all turned out to be quite cheery kids. I have been surreptitiously asking around some other moms, and it is not always the case, it seems.  Another mom was super stressed during her second pregnancy but her kid turned out very calm and bright, although the baby was often sick. But it never hurts to be as cheerful as possible. 

2) You may not need as much stuff as you think.  I always chuckle to myself when I read posts on Carousell selling baby stuff in "almost new" condition, saying "Hardly used by baby who prefers XXYY".  If you are not the fussy type, try to buy most things second-hand, as you never know what your baby will like (cot vs sarong vs co-sleeping with you? Baby bjorn rocker vs a much cheaper rocker?). For essentials, I think some onesies (those which have buttons or strings to tie in front are better than T-shirt-like tops which you have to slip over a fragile newborn's head), a few swaddles, mittens and botties, changing mat, a bag of disposable nappies, wet wipes, a good sling (for when you can bring baby out!), a baby bathtub, stroller and a baby bag are good things to get ready.  Also good to have a good breast pump (and the bottles) on standby, in case latching somehow doesn't work. As I was latching a lot, I found breast cups (the type which help catch the milk from the other breast when the baby drinks from one side), breast pads (for moments of leakage which happen sometimes when you hear a baby cry) and a nursing cover indispensable as well.  However, some moms prefer to pump and feed, and if so, you may not need those as much. If you drive, get a car seat. The rest (e.g. bottle steriliser, baby burp cloths, reusable nappies, baby toys, mobiles, nursing cushions) can come after you realise what the feeding and sleeping arrangement is going to be, what your baby likes (e.g. really loves music? Get a mobile with music or some baby CDs! Likes to stare at moving things? Get a mobile that moves!) and your energy levels.

3) Latching is the most time-saving way to feed a baby. After doing both latching and pump-and-feed, I must say latching is most efficient as a good feeder usually can get the full meal in under 15 minutes, whereas a full pump can take 30 minutes.  Latching is also less painful, and there is no need to chill the milk, heat up the milk nor wash and sterilise multiple bottles and breast pump parts, which I found very mind-numbing.  I like to joke that the breast somehow doesn't need to be sterilised while bottles and pump parts do!  Maybe our skin is anti-bacterial or self-cleaning or something, as I can feed my baby without him or her getting a tummy ache how sweaty I am or how dirty I feel.  The milk is also at just the right temperature and doesn't need to get heated up.  It is also cheap.  I think a father once joked "My wife just eats bread and produces breast milk!" No need for expensive formula.  Breastfeeding also helps the mom lose weight, and lowers the risk of breast cancer.  I sometimes marvel at how God designed this whole thing.

4) Every birth is different but they are all memorable. If you are pro-natural birth, try to find a gynae who supports this type of births.  You will find yourself more in sync with and not surprised by or exasperated with the gynae when it comes to the crunch time.  Trust your body to do the job (don't be too afraid! You can do it!) and also trust your gynae.

5)  Once your baby is born, give him or her lots of skin to skin contact.  Cuddle him/her, stroke his/her skin, tell him/her how beautiful they are and how precious they are to you.  It all helps them feel safe and secure and of course, loved and wanted.   

6) Delegate lots of other tasks to other family members once baby is born, and focus on regaining your strength and feeding and playing with baby.  As newborns feed every 2-3 hours, I found it easiest to sleep with the baby on the same bed and to sleep when the baby sleeps. The rest of the time, I journal, watch some TV, read and fantasize about the end of confinement - what I'm going to eat, the places I'm going to go!

7) During confinement, I find it especially important not to let any part of my body get overly chilled, especially in the first few days after birth. My right shoulder was exposed to aircon the night after I delivered, and it is the first to feel cold and to ache inside for years after the birth.  

8) There are many benefits to slinging your baby when you go out, as they are propped up more upright and can see roughly what you see (as opposed to being put in a stroller semi-horizontal and staring at the sky/ceiling or just at mommy/daddy), they feel secure and "hugged" by you at all times, hence this regulates their body temperature and calma them down, allowing them to focus on exploring the world. They can also hear what you say better, and learn through your reactions to things.  I found a side sling (the kind which is like a loop of cloth that goes over one shoulder and around the waist, often with rings for adjustment) very handy as you can prop the child upright and also easily ease them into a horizontal position once they are sleepy. As you walk, babies also get rocked by the motion and easily get lulled into sleep, which is when you can gently put them down in the stroller at that stage. If you are very pro, you can even breastfeed discreetly with the baby in it, although I've never mastered that.

9) Do NOT expose them to screens at that young age.  In fact, WHO says and I whole-heartedly agree that kids should stay screen-free for the first 2 years, and generally as long as possible.  It is all too easy to get addicted to colourful cartoons with cute songs and constantly moving and changing images, and for the child to not eat unless the screen is placed in front of them.  In the long-term, it changes their minds and lowers their ability to focus and concentrate later on, all very key traits for success.  If not convinced, read "Glow Kids".  It's really scary, what many parents are doing unknowingly to their kids.

10) Children don't need a lot of expensive toys. They thrive best going out into nature and just outdoors (we have a big wide world to explore!), interacting with people, and playing with simple things like blocks, books, music, and everyday items around the house. I think some interactive toys like toys with buttons to push and which make sounds are fine too, although they may not stimulate creative play.  In the long run, investing in toys that can be played in multiple ways, or which kids can play with again and again and not get bored, or which they can play with others are best (e.g. a ball).  I also realised my kids like reading the same favourite books again and again, and hence there is something to be said about owning a set of good books, and not just going to the library (although the library is great!).  With the plentiful book exchange shelves sprouting up around Singapore, often stocked with children's books in relatively good condition, it is easy to do so on a budget.

Ok that's what I can think of for the time being!  Hope this blesses some moms-to-be or moms!  Do share your tips with me too.  Am always on the lookout for hacks which make parenting simpler and more stress-free, and which is ultimately better for baby too.  

 

   

Deliberate Self-Restriction

The other day, when I went to my office's canteen to eat its famous Indian breakfast before I started work, I bumped into M, a guy who did dispatch for my organisation.  I know it seems a bit archaic in today's day and age to have someone on the staff delivering letters and parcels physically, but they probably kept him on as we are a governmental organisation and he has been a faithful staff. 

M is a guy who looks a little, shall we say, mentally-challenged, walks in a bumbling way, speaks with a slightly muffled voice, but is always over-friendly. I try to avoid him often but am always nice to him when I meet him because I am the kind of person who is always polite and has a smile for others.  So anyway, that day, I ended up queuing up behind him at the muslim stall and after I ordered my food, I saw him sitting quite conspicuously in the middle of the canteen and after a moment's hesitation, decided to join him, since I was a bit starved for company since Covid and WFH for so many months.

It was a good decision. We started by talking about work, and he told me that without fail, even when he worked from home, by 830am he was showered and dressed and ready to work.  I felt a bit ashamed as I usually would be still finishing up my breakfast somewhere around that time.  I was also surprised to learn that my organisation had put him to man the office handphone and answer calls from the public, which I thought was a risk.  He said that he felt he didn't need to open in that standard way, nor to sound really official.  He mimicked a typical conversation and showed me how he would first ask them what they wanted, and once he understood their issue, would efficiently "despatch" them to the right organisation and the right number to call (which he told me was all in his head). I was impressed, that one shouldn't judge a book by its cover, and who said a guy who didn't have a good phone voice couldn't answer the hotline?  The main thing was that he was efficient, professional and he got the job done. I was blown away by the open-mindedness and wisdom of the person who gave him the job.

The second insightful thing he said which surprised me no end was when I asked him whether he was watching anything on the streaming websites like Netflix and what not.  He shook his head vehemently and said an abrupt "No! Never!".  He said he only watched programmed channels, where you had to wait for your favourite show to start screening.  He told me to check out some free-to-air channel which showed all the old movies like Godfather.  We both agreed that streaming websites had problems like providing an endless menu of movies to choose from (analysis paralysis), and allowed you to have instant gratification (you needn't wait for any good show to start, you could just click on a button and it would play), and you could binge watch all you wanted, leading to all sorts of problems.

Yes, gone are the good old days when you had to wait and even "order" your life around the start time of a show you wanted to watch, and then when it was over, you had to wait until the next week to continue the series and find out what happened next. I think such a way of living might sound quite unthinkable today ("What? Wait a whole week to watch the next episode?").  But this actually simplifies our life to a certain extent, as you scanned the TV guide for the day, and if there was nothing you liked, you then went on with your life and planned other things.  There was no "buffet syndrome" and you were offered limited choices to choose from.  There was also a certain rigidity to the schedule of programmes, so you had to instill a certain discipline in your life if you wanted to catch that show at that time.  These also prevent TV or entertainment from taking over our lives.

There is great wisdom in choosing deliberate self-restraint or self-restriction in this case.  This is also why I refuse to buy a higher-end coffee machine (e.g. one that grinds your coffee beans, or a Nespresso machine) as I want to keep my taste buds accustomed to freeze dried coffee as a norm, and enjoy only lattes made from freshly ground coffee beans when I am outside.  This helps to keep a certain freshness to life.  

 

The Things We Spend the Most Effort Doing

I hosted a Christmas party yesterday for some of my colleagues, as a way to thank them for working so hard this year and achieving so many deliverables. 

Never did I imagine there was so much work involved in 1) cleaning and organising the house to be in better shape to receive guests, whom I wanted to bring on a house tour, and 2) planning and ordering and buying/preparing the food of the party. It was insane and nail-biting to the last minute and I frankly did not know how the food would turn out until the food was on the table. There was a bit of a hiccup when I started heating up the ribs and turkey 20 to 30 minutes before we were supposed to eat dinner but when I opened the package, realised the ribs and turkey were quite huge and also cold and I didn't have enough rack space in the oven. Plus the quiche also needed to be heated up. One of my colleagues popped into the kitchen and asked if she could help and I said why not (I'm not one to refuse help usually and I can always put people to work).  Another wandered into the kitchen next asking if I needed help and he was very useful.

Well I eventually got all the food on the table and people started eating and chatting with one another, and all I was doing was running around back and forth getting food ready and topping up stuff that was getting low and heating up things. I only started eating when all the policy folks had eaten and the international relations folks arrived. By then the turkey was all out (it's actually kind of yummy and tastes like a tastier version of turkey I've had before) and the pork ribs were thin on the meat bit fatty and divine. My fingers were sticky sweet and fragrant with pork and BBQ juices when I was done. Yum.... 

My kids also surprisingly left us alone most of the time. I realised that when you spend a lot of effort on something, you derive a lot more satisfaction when it has gone well! A bit like Little Prince and what not. Which tells me something about spending money to buy something off the shelf Vs something you made yourself ...

The Gift and the Giver

My birthday just passed yesterday and my hubby mysteriously asked me to keep myself free from 4pm onwards. Turns out he had made reservations at this expensive but authentic Italian place called No Menu restaurant in Telok Ayer area and it was a menu decided by the chef and every dish meant to be a surprise. I loved the focaccia bread the most. Dipped in olive oil. The wine was also horribly expensive and not that awesome. But then again, I don't think any wine should cost above 40 as I'm not a wine connoisseur. 

I enjoyed the ambience a lot (a lot of furniture was brought from their restaurant and home in Italy) and I liked their burrata cheese as an appetizer too although after the first 2 to 3 bites, I couldn't taste the awesomeness anymore as it's a bit bland. But it's light and milky, with no aftertaste as most cheeses do. 

There was a very very thinly sliced Parma ham on top of what seemed like a potato salad that was pretty swell too. And I liked their tiramisu (as always) and the final cheese dessert that was so yummy I ate the whole thing. The roast beef was delicious too except I'm not a beef person. I realised the importance of having enough salt in all the food to make it yummy, from the focaccia bread (salty enough) to the beef (there were salt crystals on the rawer side of the cut beef). 

Even though I didn't feel the dinner was worth the amount that he spent, I think we have to appreciate the intentions of the giver when they do certain things. And appreciate their intentions, the effort of the giver and not the gift itself per se. 

Is Your Life an Endless To-Do List?

 Dear God,

Something God has been impressing upon me:

Be in the Moment

In this time of work-from-home, when work and life seem to blur altogether, there are 2 scenarios: work can be at a lull. That is when we can do things like go for a mid-day or late afternoon swim right after an intense meeting (what a luxurious feeling! To slip into that cool water!) to clear my head and wash off the grime of the whole day.  I can run errands like do some quick grocery shopping for something small I forgot to buy over the weekend, or even attend to my kids, either helping them with schoolwork or even bringing them down to play during working hours (and making up for it later).  

But when work is at its peak, especially when we are in a crisis mode, it is all too easy to work non-stop, to check handphones incessantly, to monitor messages streaming in even when they don't concern us, to check emails during weekends, late at nights, and we don't seem to leave work behind when we leave office like we used to.  Life can seem like this endless stream of work - eat - tend to kids - sleep - repeat (especially when we are too scared to go out too far), and there is no clear distinction or break (where is my Sabbath?).  Recently, I found myself feeling guilty when I don't work during the weekends! I almost feel like I should be working nonstop because my other colleagues are working too (there is always someone working).  I now know a little bit of survivor's guilt, where you feel bad taking a break when you know others are slogging out there.  

As a working mom, there is also this never-ending list of things in your head to do, be it making meals for family/baby and all it entails, to settling kids' homework and performing administrative tasks, even good-to-do hobbies, doing my QT etc, which take away the joy of resting over the weekend (rest?  What rest?).  I guess I also bring this upon myself partially because when I want to get away from work, I like to cook.  Cooking is therapeutic to me to some extent, as it uses a whole other part of my brain and muscles that I don't use when I work.  Plus I generally don't think about work when I cook (too complicated, the process of turning raw ingredients into a decent meal on a table) and I get to eat something yummy and healthy too!  I also have a lot of hare-brained projects and ideas to do, like going to the library to return overdue books and get more books, get new stuff my kids want (if from Carousell, there is a lot more search time, coordination and travelling costs), get stuff for the hamster, make my own body washes, get and make gifts for ex-colleagues etc.  It's all very fun and good, but it's still a list of things to do, which the task-oriented me, will never be satisfied until I have crossed every item off the list.  So, this interferes with my enjoyment of my weekends, to the extent that to use today's catch-phrase, this affects my mental health. 

To be mentally healthy, I shouldn't treat life like an endless to-do list  I mean, what's the point of completing each task on my list but only to rush on to the next task, and the next task, and the next task.  And you know the tasks keep on piling up.  So you never have a moment's rest, and you never enjoy the moment of completion either.  I realised we should celebrate completion of certain bigger tasks, and have a proper rest at times.   And when we set if as a time to rest, we have to rest fully, nevermind the amount of work waiting for us tomorrow or even later.  This is very difficult as it requires us to tune our mind out of our work mode and also 'trust' that we can rest, and we can still complete the work tomorrow.  I suppose part of it is also knowing ourselves, that we do have limitations and we cannot keep working like that.  It will affect our efficiency.  Part of it is also, training of the mind, to concentrate fully on the task at hand.  If it is typing out this coherent and very lucid entry like what I am doing here, I should do it fully.  And not keep thinking about all the other tasks I haven't done.   If it is talking to our kid, we should be fully present.  When we are exercising, likewise.  Cooking, fully in the moment.  When we are spending time with God, to be fully immersed in it.  And when we know there are still a lot of stuff to do, to commit it to paper, and entrust it to God, if we decide now is not the time, and then forget about it until it is time to do it.  Easier said than done.  

I also need to prioritise, what is really important.  My husband is really good at that.  I think the lazy people know their limitations and hence deprioritise and simply do not do a lot of things.  The hardworking folks, on the other hand, are busy and industrious simply because they are capable and can do it.  I need to free up my schedule somewhat so I can slow down and listen to God sometimes, regularly.

Funny things my kids say

 My youngest daughter, who is 1 year and 9 months, is now able to say all sorts of things - at least to tell us what she wants us to do or what she wants to do.  Latest examples:

Her oldest brother was sitting on the sofa eating a packet of Mamee, which is a really tasty and salty noodle snack. She has been clambering all over him to get at the packet or get him to pass her a titbit but he refused (under my strict instruction as it's full of MSG). First she kept crying out 'Give me!'. Then when it wasn't working, she resorted to saying in a beseeching voice 'Try. Try!'. We were all astounded. 

She can also say "Stand up!" when she wants us to carry her up but we were sitting down, "Sit down!" when she was on the floor and we were standing up, "Lie down!" when she wants us to lie down together on the floor, "Go swimming" which always goes together with "swimming costume", "I'm done" when she is dressed and I am still changing, "Go supermarket", "Go library", "make bubble, BIG bubble" and she likes to draw on her hands and sing "mommy finger, mommy finger, where are you etc etc".  She also sings "B-I-N-G-O" and can count 1 to 10 and above in English, Chinese and Mizo.  When she is hungry, she will start muttering "Lok-tok (which means noodles)", "cheese tofu", "tomato" and "corn" which are all her favourite things to eat.  Lately she has started loving prata for breakfast.  She loves stacking blocks in the morning, and playing her cooking toys and pretend to drink (making loud slurping noises from her toy cups).  All told to me by my helper with amusement.

For her older sister, who is 6, recently she went out running with my husband, in her claims to want "a race".  My hubby gave her a 100m headstart and she excitedly ran as fast as she could... Eventually he caught up but it was a close one.  As we were heading home, they were talking about whether her brothers could run faster than her, and my husband said they probably could as they were older.  Then she said "But I can run faster than you, daddy", and instead of humouring her, my husband, the ever-competitive one (you wonder where she gets that from), declared "Well, that's because I purposely let you win".  And her retort was "In a real race, you shouldn't do that". I burst out laughing and my husband said "Yes, you are right.  I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that".  We both marvelled at how she really believed she won him.  

Another funny thing my oldest one (10 years old) said.  I Whatsapped my husband on a Sunday when I was out, to tell the boys to do some Chinese homework so that when I got back, we could all head out.  His reply was that the oldest boy said "it is a Sabbath".  I sent back an eyeroll and a facepalm.  

Our kids do make us laugh quite a lot.