Tips for Pregnant Mothers

Whenever I find out that someone is expecting a baby, I just want to grab that person and tell her some key tips I learnt from reading pregnancy and parenting books, from experiences of people around me and what I gleaned from my own experience of parenting 4 young children.  

So, I thought what better way to share these tips than to write them down, so here goes. For the expectant mom or new mom:

1) Watch your emotions and try not to be in a bad mood during your pregnancy. I can't prove it, but I suspect your emotions somehow affect the baby in your tummy. I learnt this from my own experience and also from what some others shared with me. When I was pregnant with my oldest kid, I was managing a team of guys who resented my leadership, and hence managing them was like managing a herd of proud, seething cats. They made me exasperated and lose my temper quite often, and my oldest turned out to a very intense toddler. Since young, he would lose it if he couldn't get a proper latch the first time and couldn't drink anymore until you made him sleep and forget about the whole incident.  He had night terrors that lasted an hour, and until now, as an 11 year old, he still is easily angered and cannot stop himself from using his fists and nerf guns despite all our efforts to discipline him and teach him. A friend of mine who suffered from bouts of depression when she was overseas, one day told me her mom told her she had suicidal thoughts when she was pregnant. Is it linked? The feeling of intense despair and helpnessness when a foetus is forming in your womb may have somehow affected the feotus' hormonal and chemical makeup. For my other 3 kids, I was in a much better mood during pregnancy, and they all turned out to be quite cheery kids. I have been surreptitiously asking around some other moms, and it is not always the case, it seems.  Another mom was super stressed during her second pregnancy but her kid turned out very calm and bright, although the baby was often sick. But it never hurts to be as cheerful as possible. 

2) You may not need as much stuff as you think.  I always chuckle to myself when I read posts on Carousell selling baby stuff in "almost new" condition, saying "Hardly used by baby who prefers XXYY".  If you are not the fussy type, try to buy most things second-hand, as you never know what your baby will like (cot vs sarong vs co-sleeping with you? Baby bjorn rocker vs a much cheaper rocker?). For essentials, I think some onesies (those which have buttons or strings to tie in front are better than T-shirt-like tops which you have to slip over a fragile newborn's head), a few swaddles, mittens and botties, changing mat, a bag of disposable nappies, wet wipes, a good sling (for when you can bring baby out!), a baby bathtub, stroller and a baby bag are good things to get ready.  Also good to have a good breast pump (and the bottles) on standby, in case latching somehow doesn't work. As I was latching a lot, I found breast cups (the type which help catch the milk from the other breast when the baby drinks from one side), breast pads (for moments of leakage which happen sometimes when you hear a baby cry) and a nursing cover indispensable as well.  However, some moms prefer to pump and feed, and if so, you may not need those as much. If you drive, get a car seat. The rest (e.g. bottle steriliser, baby burp cloths, reusable nappies, baby toys, mobiles, nursing cushions) can come after you realise what the feeding and sleeping arrangement is going to be, what your baby likes (e.g. really loves music? Get a mobile with music or some baby CDs! Likes to stare at moving things? Get a mobile that moves!) and your energy levels.

3) Latching is the most time-saving way to feed a baby. After doing both latching and pump-and-feed, I must say latching is most efficient as a good feeder usually can get the full meal in under 15 minutes, whereas a full pump can take 30 minutes.  Latching is also less painful, and there is no need to chill the milk, heat up the milk nor wash and sterilise multiple bottles and breast pump parts, which I found very mind-numbing.  I like to joke that the breast somehow doesn't need to be sterilised while bottles and pump parts do!  Maybe our skin is anti-bacterial or self-cleaning or something, as I can feed my baby without him or her getting a tummy ache how sweaty I am or how dirty I feel.  The milk is also at just the right temperature and doesn't need to get heated up.  It is also cheap.  I think a father once joked "My wife just eats bread and produces breast milk!" No need for expensive formula.  Breastfeeding also helps the mom lose weight, and lowers the risk of breast cancer.  I sometimes marvel at how God designed this whole thing.

4) Every birth is different but they are all memorable. If you are pro-natural birth, try to find a gynae who supports this type of births.  You will find yourself more in sync with and not surprised by or exasperated with the gynae when it comes to the crunch time.  Trust your body to do the job (don't be too afraid! You can do it!) and also trust your gynae.

5)  Once your baby is born, give him or her lots of skin to skin contact.  Cuddle him/her, stroke his/her skin, tell him/her how beautiful they are and how precious they are to you.  It all helps them feel safe and secure and of course, loved and wanted.   

6) Delegate lots of other tasks to other family members once baby is born, and focus on regaining your strength and feeding and playing with baby.  As newborns feed every 2-3 hours, I found it easiest to sleep with the baby on the same bed and to sleep when the baby sleeps. The rest of the time, I journal, watch some TV, read and fantasize about the end of confinement - what I'm going to eat, the places I'm going to go!

7) During confinement, I find it especially important not to let any part of my body get overly chilled, especially in the first few days after birth. My right shoulder was exposed to aircon the night after I delivered, and it is the first to feel cold and to ache inside for years after the birth.  

8) There are many benefits to slinging your baby when you go out, as they are propped up more upright and can see roughly what you see (as opposed to being put in a stroller semi-horizontal and staring at the sky/ceiling or just at mommy/daddy), they feel secure and "hugged" by you at all times, hence this regulates their body temperature and calma them down, allowing them to focus on exploring the world. They can also hear what you say better, and learn through your reactions to things.  I found a side sling (the kind which is like a loop of cloth that goes over one shoulder and around the waist, often with rings for adjustment) very handy as you can prop the child upright and also easily ease them into a horizontal position once they are sleepy. As you walk, babies also get rocked by the motion and easily get lulled into sleep, which is when you can gently put them down in the stroller at that stage. If you are very pro, you can even breastfeed discreetly with the baby in it, although I've never mastered that.

9) Do NOT expose them to screens at that young age.  In fact, WHO says and I whole-heartedly agree that kids should stay screen-free for the first 2 years, and generally as long as possible.  It is all too easy to get addicted to colourful cartoons with cute songs and constantly moving and changing images, and for the child to not eat unless the screen is placed in front of them.  In the long-term, it changes their minds and lowers their ability to focus and concentrate later on, all very key traits for success.  If not convinced, read "Glow Kids".  It's really scary, what many parents are doing unknowingly to their kids.

10) Children don't need a lot of expensive toys. They thrive best going out into nature and just outdoors (we have a big wide world to explore!), interacting with people, and playing with simple things like blocks, books, music, and everyday items around the house. I think some interactive toys like toys with buttons to push and which make sounds are fine too, although they may not stimulate creative play.  In the long run, investing in toys that can be played in multiple ways, or which kids can play with again and again and not get bored, or which they can play with others are best (e.g. a ball).  I also realised my kids like reading the same favourite books again and again, and hence there is something to be said about owning a set of good books, and not just going to the library (although the library is great!).  With the plentiful book exchange shelves sprouting up around Singapore, often stocked with children's books in relatively good condition, it is easy to do so on a budget.

Ok that's what I can think of for the time being!  Hope this blesses some moms-to-be or moms!  Do share your tips with me too.  Am always on the lookout for hacks which make parenting simpler and more stress-free, and which is ultimately better for baby too.  

 

   

Funny things my kids say

 My youngest daughter, who is 1 year and 9 months, is now able to say all sorts of things - at least to tell us what she wants us to do or what she wants to do.  Latest examples:

Her oldest brother was sitting on the sofa eating a packet of Mamee, which is a really tasty and salty noodle snack. She has been clambering all over him to get at the packet or get him to pass her a titbit but he refused (under my strict instruction as it's full of MSG). First she kept crying out 'Give me!'. Then when it wasn't working, she resorted to saying in a beseeching voice 'Try. Try!'. We were all astounded. 

She can also say "Stand up!" when she wants us to carry her up but we were sitting down, "Sit down!" when she was on the floor and we were standing up, "Lie down!" when she wants us to lie down together on the floor, "Go swimming" which always goes together with "swimming costume", "I'm done" when she is dressed and I am still changing, "Go supermarket", "Go library", "make bubble, BIG bubble" and she likes to draw on her hands and sing "mommy finger, mommy finger, where are you etc etc".  She also sings "B-I-N-G-O" and can count 1 to 10 and above in English, Chinese and Mizo.  When she is hungry, she will start muttering "Lok-tok (which means noodles)", "cheese tofu", "tomato" and "corn" which are all her favourite things to eat.  Lately she has started loving prata for breakfast.  She loves stacking blocks in the morning, and playing her cooking toys and pretend to drink (making loud slurping noises from her toy cups).  All told to me by my helper with amusement.

For her older sister, who is 6, recently she went out running with my husband, in her claims to want "a race".  My hubby gave her a 100m headstart and she excitedly ran as fast as she could... Eventually he caught up but it was a close one.  As we were heading home, they were talking about whether her brothers could run faster than her, and my husband said they probably could as they were older.  Then she said "But I can run faster than you, daddy", and instead of humouring her, my husband, the ever-competitive one (you wonder where she gets that from), declared "Well, that's because I purposely let you win".  And her retort was "In a real race, you shouldn't do that". I burst out laughing and my husband said "Yes, you are right.  I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that".  We both marvelled at how she really believed she won him.  

Another funny thing my oldest one (10 years old) said.  I Whatsapped my husband on a Sunday when I was out, to tell the boys to do some Chinese homework so that when I got back, we could all head out.  His reply was that the oldest boy said "it is a Sabbath".  I sent back an eyeroll and a facepalm.  

Our kids do make us laugh quite a lot.

Why My Kids Don’t Read Chinese Books

It has been my goal to get them to read more Chinese books during these Dec holidays (well one of the goals), but I realised that pictures matter a lot in a children’s book. That is where the English books have it right.  There is just no end of permutations and styles of children’s illustrations in English kiddy books, ranging from the very solid and bold lines, clear shapes and bright colours (think Peppa Pig), to realistic pictures (like Thomas the Train) to the messy, rangy, pastel characters in Dr Seuss and black-and-white drawings in Ronald Dahl, and everything in between of course.  They also have  a wide range of storylines ranging from the tame (e.g. Little House on the Prairie) to the totally rebellious and wild. (Eg Dog Man, Captain Underpants), stories of underdogs becoming heroes (eg Diary of a Wimpy Kid) and stories of adventure, pirates, knights and robots.  Whereas in comparison, somehow the Chinese children books we see here are typically of animals doing lame things like inviting one another to parties, falling sick and caring for one another, learning to finish their food, brush their teeth and learning morals.  Their pictures are also kiddish and round and unrealistic, of animals doing in distinct actions or of people doing nothing much but talk.  The colours tend to be faded and words are small and close together, making it daunting or unpleasant for a kid to read them. 

A market gap!!! For interesting, wild and engaging Mother Tongue books! 

I mean, what is it with having fewer, bigger words, a very engaging and exciting storyline full of danger, and also bright, leap-off-the-page pictures full of action?

I think I should try to write and draw some good Chinese children books.

About Jealousy

Is parental jealousy even a thing?  I think so.  Because recently, I realised that every time I have a conversation with this particular mommy, I tend to feel these feelings of jealousy arise.  Being a 42-year old mommy of 4 bright and diverse kids, in a job I love, with a spouse I have little to complain about, what am I jealous of, you may ask?  

Well, it started with me feeling a jolt of disbelief and irritation when I found out that her boy who is the same age as my eldest scoring better than my boy in 2 or 3 subjects, and even possibly topping the cohort in those subjects, her oldest boy (a really lovely and well-behaved boy by the way) also did really well in his PSLE due to his mother's efforts in schooling him in Chinese in the last 6 months (he is going to try to ACS as he qualifies) and I think he received $240 in vouchers for topping his school in 2 subjects I think, even though both parents are not as "smart" and successful as me and my husband.  Then there is the fact that even though they don't earn as much as us, she has this uncanny ability to get the best deals on everything (she told me early on how they have a knack of winning lucky draws, and they ever stayed at a hotel for free from some farmhouse lucky draw).  For example, she manages to find fun things to do with her kids without breaking the bank.  Recently, my husband brought all of us to Universal Studios as a way to have fun during the December holidays.  Neither of us being the type who likes researching for discounts and deals, we paid the full fee, and as this is still during Covid, the rides only opened from 2pm and it rained cats and dogs for about 1.5 hours in the afternoon, so all the outdoor rides were closed for that amount of time and after that all rides had queues of at least an hour, and we only managed to do 4 rides, and all the shows were closed, so we didn't have such a good time despite paying through our nose to bring the whole family there.  We also didn't eat in there either cos a lot of eateries were closed, and we had so little time).  When she asked about my time in Universal Studios, she said they went to Universal Studios during her company's family day when they paid next to nothing, had $20 food vouchers, and enjoyed all the rides twice cos there was no queue whatsoever, plus watched all the shows.  Harrumph.

She also furnishes her house very tastefully and economically (they recently replaced their old sofa with a secondhand IKEA couch which looks new, with a beautiful white rug thrown in for $200).  Her piano was obtained free from her church whereas mine was scouted from Carousell for $400, I thought it was already a good deal.  They have a big blackboard in the living room where they write on and pin up all the letters from school (I bet them never miss a spelling, some instruction from school, or any event, whereas I need to be reminded of them through parents' Whatsapp chats and terse, snarky reminders from the teachers), a long wooden dining table where the kids do their work, play games and the family gathers for dinner, full of peace and order and harmony.  Her boys are boisterous, running around, shrieking and playing nerf guns, with my kids, but the parents banned them from Roblox as it was too addictive, whereas my boy is still playing it off and on and pestering us every day to play it (yet another area we fail to do).  

She feeds her family with vegetarian tasty meals which her boys gobble up.  And did I mention how her boys are all tall and robust (a sore point for me, as my boys, especially my second boy, is super super short).

There is also the fact that her boys are super good at brainy games like chess, Rubix cube, and read super fast and devour thick books with all words and no pictures like the kids' version of the Pilgrim's Progress (my 9 year-old still likes comics and his books must have at least some pictures, even if they are mainly words, and the content must be irreverent, cheeky, or very violent).  Her kids are also generally well-behaved, moral kids, who have bible study every day with their grandparents.  Well, you get the picture.

So, basically she is a better mom than me in every way.  Her family is well-run, with wisdom, in an economical and healthy way, and her kids are well-behaved and tall.  Everything I aspire to be and to do, which I fail in some way when compared to her. 

Ok, I know this is childish, and silly, cos actually we have a lot of good times together, where my boys get along really well with her boys and we enjoy chatting with the parents, and we share tips on what to do with the kids, good classes to send them to, good Chinese and piano and swimming teachers etc etc, and we do learn a lot of tips from them that way.  But I can't help feeling this twinge whenever she crows about her achievements (ok, I'm sure she didn't mean to do it), and now it has become quite full-blown, where I am quite aware of the resentment building in my chest whenever I talk to her, behind my strained smiles.

I started asking myself, what does the Bible say about jealousy?  How should I react to these feelings?  How can I stop feeling jealous of this poor mommy who has no idea of the effect she is having on me (and possibly harbouring her own feelings of jealousy for God knows what?).

I remembered a few points:

(1) She likely has no idea those aspects of her life (which she may take for granted) is making me feel jealous, so it's silly to resent her for something she is not even aware of 

(2) Feeling jealous of her in all those aspects is likely showing up areas of insecurity in my life, or idols I have built up in my life, where I measure my success by how well I do in those aspects, and reassure myself I am a good mommy, or somehow feel confident if I have those things or my kids behave in those ways or have those traits - so I have to deal with them in my own time, in the privacy of my soul, and they are likely to be shadows in my life, areas of bondage.  

(3) Like the story in the Bible of David and Bathsheba, I remember how he probably envied Uriah, his loyal soldier, his lovely wife, when he had his own harem of countless wives, and God said He would have given David any lawful woman he desired.  I tried to put myself in David's shoes and realised David must have felt insanely covetous of Uriah's wife, and he may have temporarily derived no pleasure from his other wives and concubines, to the point he sinned against God's law and slept with another man's wife.  From an outsider's point of view, you may be tempted to shout "David! Don't be stupid! Turn your eyes towards God!  And all the pleasures God has already provided!" but he was deaf to it.   How does it relate to this example, you may ask?  Well, my kids are bright and gifted in their own ways, and are developing at their own pace, but when I look at this mommy's kids, who are so close to mine in age, I can't help but feel insecure, that my kids don't measure up in many ways.  So I am focusing on what they lack, comparing them against others, when I should be content with who they are, and focusing on what God has given me, instead of what I don't have.  And God has given me A LOT.  

So I think, this is the problem of comparison.  Of discontent arising from all this insidious, subconscious comparisons that happen in our brains without us even thinking.  And though I'm no longer on Facebook, the devil still manages to get at me through real live people I interact with, disrupting my peace, my contentment.  The funny thing is, the father of the kids may be struggling with comparisons of his own cos we live in a condo and we have a car and my husband doesn't think twice about splurging on the kids (they don't have a car, yet another wise decision in Singapore where car ownership is ridiculously expensive, and they have more books than toys).  

Anyway, I am still a parent struggling and learning how to raise my kids in the Lord, in a technologically-advanced, materialistic society where kids are glued to gadgets all day long and more likely than not to be impatient, self-centred, rude, and self-entitled.  I can see streaks of these in my kids every day (probably due to the media and games they are exposed to) and I am fighting an uphill battle every day to scrub away these tendencies from them and to educate them in the right way to go, which takes time and endless repetitions and moralising (explaining why that is the right way to behave.  I should see both sets of families as fellow soldiers on this journey together and try to encourage one another to reach the end goal, rather than begrudge them their successes.  And I should remind myself that God made everyone different, and He needs every person He has made to live up to their full potential, and this is not a competition, but a war where we are all on the same side, and we are in the same company - when they win, we win too.

And I should rely more on God to help me in my daily journey, rather than man (although they do seem to be a source of wise practices and seem to have gotten it "right" much of the time).  I should be thankful for what God has given me, look to God for wisdom,  and expose my kids more to God even as I spend more time with God myself.  That will restore my soul from the ravages of comparisons and keeping up with the Joneses and my propping up fragile self-esteem.

Ok, enough of my rambling.  I think I got it out of my system.  Hope this has not bored you to tears!

To buy or not to buy

My kids have always had a problem of badgering us for toys.  First it was Thomas the train, then it was Star Wars, and then Pokémon, sea creatures, dinosaurs for a brief spell, and now star-wars or superhero-themed legos.  Initially we succumbed to their badgering, mostly because we were relatively inexperienced parents with still ample shelf space then, not knowing how quickly kids fall out of love with certain toys.  Anyway it soon resulted in an overflow of seemingly similar toys with very slight differences only my oldest high-D high C (DISC test) can tell.  A typical conversation goes like this:

Hao En: Mummy mummy! I show you! I want to buy this lego x-wing micro fighter (waving a handphone he inevitably swiped from me or my hubby in front of me)

Me: Huh? But you already have an x-wing lego! Your papa bought you one, remember?

Hao En: Nooo... this one is different. The laser cannons are a circle! See see?

Me: (peering at the screen, seeing something that looks exactly like this $35 toy lego we bought him ) It looks the same to me! What are you talking about (going back to what I was doing)

Hao En: No! It's the laser cannons! Mine is half a circle! It's not like the real one! The real one is a round cannon!

Me: (looking again really closely) Oh... Aiya very close to what you have already, I'm not buying you another one.

Hao En: But the real X-wing is like this! I want the real X-wing!  It has the circle laser cannon!

Me: What circle laser cannon? Show me.

(He immediately runs to a toy box he has and brings it)

Hao En: See (jabbing his finger at the picture of an X-wing shooting at the enemy. The cannons are indeed round)

Me: Oh... I see... ok (grudgingly and also secretly impressed that he was actually correct and could tell such minute details).  Aiya it's the same la (with less conviction). 

Hao En: It's not the same! The real one is round! I want a round cannon!

Me: How much is it?

His OCD nature extends beyond the shape of the cannons, but even to lines found on the body and wings.  He can tell when one out of the 4 cannons is missing (even for his tiny metal X-wing - yes he has many versions of X-wings), when the red line has faded, when one has a certain line and another doesn't.  This led to him applying liquid paper and red markers to his big automated $200 X-Wing until it was virtually unrecognisable.

Anyway, over time, we wisened up and ended up only buying toys that they can use in many ways or they can use outdoors, such as lego, colour pencils and kiddie bicycles.  We were also running out of shelf space at that point.  

Recently, they got it into their heads to build a "house" which comprised any small space surrounded on all sides (including the top) by pillows and blankets.  Each made their own house using the multitude of pillows and blankets of all sizes we had somehow accumulated as the household expanded.  Sometimes they used the cot, sometimes just on the mattress on the floor.  Then after building their own, they fought to enter it and to prevent it from falling down.  Tears and fights will ensue as someone inevitably gets left out as the house is too small, and/or parts of the house start falling over, leading to adult intervention.  Initially I tried helping them repair their houses, and then helping them build bigger or sturdier houses ("see? Mummy is an engineer. I fix problems").  Later, I gave up and left them to sort it out themselves.  But what it meant was that they could sometimes be left for hours in the bedroom with the aircon on, playing "house" and being totally occupied. There was negotiating, whining, gloating, and physical pushing and kicking.  Some kids fell off the bed a few times.

Recently my dad told me he wanted to buy a small tent for the kids to play house in, so he would no longer have to build any houses for them.  I immediately told him it was a bad idea, because I had visited a friend's house during his children's birthday party, and they happened to have a big IKEA children's tent in the living room.  However after excitedly crawling in and sitting in there, and inviting my kid to come in too, we quickly realised there was not much to do in the tent, and we crawled out.  Somehow, the fact that the tent was so nice and sturdy robbed us of the creativity and mental and physical effort of building something and then yes, realising it has its limitations and trying to repair it.

From a purely selfish point of view, I told him we would have more peace if we didn't buy the tent so the kids just had more to do.  And I think this is a cute lesson I learnt - sometimes having to live with certain constraints is more fun than solving everything with something store bought and ready-made :).  

The Most Important Parenting Book I Have Ever Read

Dear all,

I have just finished reading 2 exciting books and watched a really good movie:

(a) Circle by Dave Eggers
(a) How Children Succeed by Paul Tough (what a name!)
(c) The Imitation Game (movie starring Benedict Cumberbatch!)

It is strange how these 3 books/movies talk about similar concepts in slightly different ways, which mesh and meld into several revelations -

And reading them has convinced me that the most important parenting book I have ever read was this book called "The Baby Book" by Dr William and Martha Sears, and that attachment parenting is the most important and valuable parenting concept I have ever come across (next to the importance of prayer for our kids!).

How Children Succeed is a fascinating book, although I do wish it didn't focus quite so much on academics. But the interesting thing is the importance it gives to attachment to caregivers in early life. I Guess it's quite instinctive, that we should want to protect and nurture the little ones when they are youngest and give them a safe environment to grow up in. However common sense is not so common nowadays with the proliferation of parenting books and styles, especially those that espouse the cry-it-out method at an early age. There is much research to show that that responding in a warm and prompt manner to a very young baby is critical in ensuring they calm down fast and come to think that the world is a safe and predictable place. Not having to worry their needs will be met also allows them to focus their energies on exploring the world and learning. Conversely, leaving a baby to cry and neglected and left alone, not held, for Long periods, repeatedly, causes them not to form secure attachments with their caregiver and not to develop the core part of the brain properly, the part that regulates emotions. This actually goes on to affect their cognitive abilities quite significantly later, not to mention there is probably some emotional scarring. Just imagine, have you ever tried to debug a conplicated excel spreadsheet while under stress? Affects your ability to think doesn't it? That's how early neglect and stress affect a baby's cognitive abilities later on. So it is Soo important that we are healthily attached to our infants and not worry they are trying to manipulate us (below one year old, they can't) or that we are losing our independence (just one year and it will reap immense benefits later on in the kid's life!).

And hence I have been led to conclude that "The Baby Book" which talks all about the science and techniques behind attachment parenting, amongst other helpful tips and knowledge on taking care of your baby the first two years, is the most important parenting book I have ever read :)

More Interesting Stuff about my Kids

So, last weekend, my parents-in-law asked us not to go to their place as there was a lot of renovation going on outside their house. This meant aside from their usual art and abacus enrichment classes, and our church commitments (the stables of our weekend), we spent much of the weekend catching Pokemons (yes, tell my kids the craze is over please). To make things worse (or better, depending on how you see it), my hubby downloaded something called a Pokemap, which shows where the uncaught Pokemons are in Singapore with great accuracy, combined with a countdown timer to show you how long you have to hotleg it over there before it disappears. This got my eldest very excited as he could finally see where he could catch his beloved Starmie.

I won’t tell you what new Pokemons we managed to catch with the help of this app (Pikachu, Rapidash, Ivysaur, Clefairy, and we evolved a Nidorina too), but I do want to write about what new things I learnt about my kids in watching them play the game.

My eldest boy:

•At one point he went out for breakfast with my hubby and his brother, and he kept asking the father to use the lures but he wouldn’t. Eventually Starmie appeared but just as they were about to catch it, my hubby’s hp ran out of batt. That was when my eldest lost it and started yelling at his father, insisting that he should have used a lure earlier. In a bid to placate him, the father replied with equanimity “Patience. Good things come to those who wait”. To which the reply came “No! Good things come to those who use lures!” The father found it so funny he told me about it after they came back. Quotable quote.

My second boy:

•At some point soon after he took possession of my handphone, the plaintive requests started on whether he can change my buddy, the colour of the team I’m on etc etc while his brother was compulsively looking at the sightings and scrolling through all the Pokemons he already caught (to see what sounds they made and actions they made). As usual, appearances matter to this neat little boy.

•After church, we were hanging around a playground just outside the church as the kids wolved down the biscuits their teachers gave them at the end of each Sunday school, when a father carrying a little girl asked my husband “is this Hao Yi?” pointing to my eldest. “No, that’s Hao En. This is Hao Yi.” And the girl's father looked and said “hello” and explained that his girl Megan kept telling him that her friend Hao Yi taught her to do some stuff in class so he wanted to see who it was. We were suitably amused and teased Hao Yi a little after that. He didn’t seem to remember Megan or acknowledge it. My maid then joked with us how Hao Yi’s good friends were always girls and Hao En’s good friends tended to be boys, in fact the naughty ones. Haha.

Both of them:

•Sunday dinner, we were sitting across from them as the father was recounting what Hao Yi was sleep talking at night, Hao En stopped harrassing us for our handphones for a moment and burst into a wide, face-splitting grin and peals of delighted laughter, and Hao Yi also laughed along. It was so nice to see them laugh as kids and not obsessed over handphones I tried to capture the moment but was too late.

•Sunday night, my husband was trying to make them sleep, but they would lie quietly in the darkness on the mattress and then inevitably the talking would start up again. Exasperated, he said “Stop talking! Whoever still talks will sleep outside. One…” And then he farted “poooo” and then silence. And the kids started giggling… And then he said “three” and that was when they lost it and started chuckling, repeating “one, poo, three” and then losing themselves in laughter again . The sound of their laughter is priceless, the utterly amused "hehehehe" laughter of Hao En, followed by the unmistakable peals of gurgling laughter by Hao Yi. Pure delight.

As for Jeanine, she likes to open and close things with caps now and mimic whatever we say. When I laugh at her sometimes she will lean back and give me a half smile. Or a sly smile, like she is up to no good but doesn’t want me to know it.

Inspiring Creativity in Kids

Being a mother of a two boisterous toddlers, aged 5 and 4, I am a frequent visitor of Toys R Us at Tampines Mall. In fact whenever we eat in that mall it has become their routine to ask to go there right after food. In fact, now if they don’t suggest it, we will, simply to get them to stop staring at our hp screens at some YouTube video or compulsively scrolling through our Pokedex (yep, actually that is their craze now).

After our food, we would sit for a while to let our food digest (all of 2 seconds) before gathering our things and lumbering up to Toys R Us to locate them. They would inevitably be in the same old aisle, depending on what is their obsession at the moment. Once it was Thomas the Train and all the many train characters (Percy, James, Toby, Diesel, Flynn etc) or the more expensive train sets, then it was Star Wars and now it is Pokemon. I find it weird that the toy stores here haven’t caught on to selling Pokemon paraphernalia yet. Perhaps they all predict it is just a fad that will disappear, or the shops had no reaction time as to how hot it will become, or the company didn’t realise this was a lucrative marketing strategy. Anyway I just know that if they started selling Squirtle water bottles, Staryu bags or Eevee cushions, my boys (and me) would be clamouring for them and snapping them up for sure.

So after buying them enough train sets and Star Wars X-wings, Tie-fighters and lego sets to start a small museum, I found myself wandering through other parts of the shop in the hopes of finding other meaningful and fun toys that might engage my boys, with rather limited success. Sometimes I also walk around Kiddy Palace and some other toy shops, to check out their toys collection. It struck me after a while that most of the toys in these toy shops are the same and they all tend to be the convergent toys, meaning there is only one or a few ways to play with them. For example, train sets have only one way of playing with them, many dollhouses (eg Hello Kitty house, Peppa Pig house) have limited ways you can move around the furniture and place the characters, cooking sets where the fruits and vegetables can only be cut in half, and even Lego sets all come with precise instructions now on how to assemble the pieces to get the toy on the cover. There are still the age-old toys like colouring sets, beads, playdoh and toy guns and figurines fashioned after some character (eg superhero, Barbie, some collectible), which you can play with however many ways depending on your imagination, and my kids do like colouring, but aside from that, if your kids are not into those toys, that leaves very little to buy. I tried hunting for divergent, creativity enhancing toys, things which have many many different ways of playing with, but only came up with tangram (such a dull set of pieces, all in one colour and they are quite small and flat which makes it hard to manipulate and they don’t stay put), other forms of blocks, and other educational games which either teach you to spell or to count.

To be fair, you could get the rarer, less common toys if you go to a more inaccessible mall like Tanglin mall or Parkway Parade. I happen to know there are toy shops there that carry more variety of toys, although I must say many still fall under the category of convergent toys. They are nicer-looking convergent toys, but nothing really inspired or jumped out at me there too.

I recently found myself fantasising of the toys I would make if I could. They include:
•Lego bricks that actually have detail on them, eg blocks that suit Roman architecture style, Greek architecture, English cottage style, European castles etc. I used to have a set of building blocks with such pictures on the side but I lost them and can’t find anything like that anymore.

•Dollhouses where the furniture is not one piece but made up of different pieces and styles that you can mix and match, eg the types of legs on the chair or table, the type of cushions and sofa covers you use, different types of lamps, and get this – the characters should have fully movable body parts – waist, arms, legs, head, so you can make them adopt an infinite variety of poses. They can be standing over a stove and cooking, or kicking back and relaxing on a sofa with a tub of ice cream in hand haha, or working on a laptop or sweeping the floor. Wouldn’t that be great? Then you can really do role play and inspire future interior designers🙂

So, I decided last night (when my hubby is overseas again and it is up to me to entertain the kids) to come up with my own humble creativity toy. I borrowed the idea from a girl’s colouring book I saw in Urban Write (the Popular offshoot) where it showed girls in various types of outfits, and hairstyles, but the fun part was how they cut every character in half and you can flip the pages to mix and match tops and bottoms to get new outfit. Some work really well, and some just don’t. I know I spent an inordinate amount of time flipping through all the pages because I was so fascinated. So I did a boys version (no they do not have such a thing, sadly), using Pokemon, their craze of the day, to boot. I was quite pleased with the result, I must say.

So it looks like this.

As part of creativity is mixing two things that are different together and coming up with a new thing, I drew a few of their favourite Pokemon characters on a spiral notebook (the third one is Blastoise, by the way), cut them up into three sections – head, body and legs, but ensuring they are still attached to the spine, and then I showed them how you can flip the pages and have different combinations of Pokemkn characters – eg a Squirtle with Staryu legs, which I called Squiryu. Or a Staryu with a Squirtle body, which I called Startle, haha.

The trick is to make sure the body parts all end at the same points at the page edges so the final character looks seamless. Initially the boys were upset that I cut up their beloved characters, but later I found Hao Yi, my younger boy, flipping through the pages on his own and hopefully, enjoying the different combinations. As you can see, my next step is getting them to Colour them which they are in the midst of doing.

However I do want to add that actually one of the best ways to foster creativity in kids is actually, not to give them any screens, and leave them to their own devices. You may find that they go through an initial frustration mode, and complain that they are booooored, and start rifling through the house for that remote or handphone, but if you stick it out (and you must have faith to do so!), they should eventually be forced to entertain themselves by coming up with something. Heck, impoverished kids who are not exposed to any toys can even make a game out of breadcrumbs, and I used to talk to myself when I was utterly bored, so don’t underestimate the power of forced downtime and open imagination. Of course, telling them stories, reading books (fiction and non-fiction) and talking to them about things around them help to give their minds more fodder to chew on, but stretches of time with nothing to do – it’s an invitation for the mind to come up with new things.

Hope it gave you some ideas for things to do with kids!

One art homework - two different personalities

Hello all!

It's been a loong time since my last post and here's why - I recently got seconded to another statutory board and it has been crazy learning the new content and interpersonal dynamics of new teams, getting used to my new bosses, and also juggling being a Mom of 3 kids and being a Loving Wife. Maybe more on that in another post :P

I wanted to talk about this homework assignment that my two boys, 5 and 4, recently got from their preschool. It caught my attention as their preschool never assigns homework (as it should be) and this time they wanted e boys to each do a 2D or 3D image of a sea creature, in line with the theme "sea creatures".

My older son, who doesn't like art much, distractedly told me he wanted to draw a crab when I asked him multiple times what sea creature he wanted to draw (he can be quite decisive). Then when I gave him a blank sheet of paper and paint, he immediately started covering it with dark blue. Then before it quite dried, he selected orange and yellow, and drew a rough oval, two beady eyes that were too big, and then four legs on each side with quick short brush strokes. Then he ran off. I had actually collected a small collection of sea shells from an earlier time when we were at Pasir Ris beach (that place has lots of sea shells unlike East Coast) and I asked my maid to get it out. I also went around my HDB estate scouting for some soil. Turns out someone had discarded a large potted plant in the community garden near my house, and I got a bucket and scooped in a fair amount of reddish-brown clayey soil. From their art class, I got the idea to mix the soil with glue, and then I smeared it along the bottom of the painting, to simulate the sea bed. Then I wanted to glue each shell on. However, it was already very late when I smeared the soil so I told my boy let's paste the shells tomorrow morning. But he insisted on doing it before bed and you know what he did? He just took each shell and pressed it into the soil mixture, and it somehow stuck! And he went on pressing them randomly until he finished pasting everything, and then he ran off. I looked at the finished art piece and chuckled to myself. It somehow portrayed the image of a crab scuttling very quickly to the side, and it was so reminiscent of how my own boy is like in real life, always moving, running, never resting (unless you give him some kind of screen).

My younger boy is a different matter - he wanted to paint a jellyfish, and when I gave him his paper, he kept painting over and over the same spot until the paper broke through with all the watery paint. And we had to do it over and over again. In the end, it was his first jellyfish (which he did without putting much effort in) that looked semi-presentable and which I brought to their school. The strange thing is, the older son's art looked better than the younger one's.

It shows their different personalities - the older one likes things fast, speed, and he doesn't waste time on things he doesn't like very much. The younger one is very painstaking in his art which reflects his perfectionist personality.

How interesting what an art exercise can reveal.

On Flashcards and Right Brain Training

It is so ironic that about a week after I wrote the post on the importance of slowing down, I went into early labour for my current, third pregnancy, had to be admitted to hospital in the middle of a work day, had an emergency procedure performed on me, was put on medication to stop the contractions, and then sent home with hospitalisation leave until I deliver! I was also told not to walk around save for meals, bath and toilet. And this was despite my firm intention to work until I deliver. Ah the best-laid plans...

Being only 34 weeks pregnant, and with my gynae saying fervently (he makes this praying motion with his hands every time he says it) that if I can make it to 38 weeks, he would be very happy, meant I would be on bed rest for another 4 weeks. And if I delivered then, I would go on my maternity leave, which was another 16 weeks! So I would be out of action from office for least 20 weeks. Sometimes, I think my boss and colleagues curse themselves for having me as a colleague, as this is not the first pregnancy-related complication I've had. It so happens I also have a very kiasu, trigger-happy gynae who prescribes MC liberally to be on the 'safe side' and safeguard every pregnancy. My husband, who often thinks I work too hard (my work is not stressful!), had also insisted in the past on enough MC to tide me over the first trimester, which is often the tricky part. I must say, this is the first time I have had MC for the last trimester of my pregnancy, which goes to show every pregnancy is different.

You may think that, since I wrote my previous post, I would take this opportunity to slow down and contemplate the deeper things in life, or just to prepare for the third addition to the family, but alas no. I have been bored out of my mind lying in bed most of the day, and being unable to leave the house much, I can't even do much packing or housework or go to the library to stock up on books. So I have been logging on to my work computer a few hours every day to settle the "important" stuff, and playing with my kids while lying down once they are back from childcare. Recently, I have taken to heading out to the neighbourhood centre for meals and doing some light shopping, and doing a spot of baking. It has been more than a week since I have been put on bedrest and only now have I gotten down to blogging again (which is my way of thinking more deeply about things). So it goes to show. It takes a while for a speeding train to slow down :P

Ok! I have almost finished two really awesome books, with loads of practical applications to my daily life. They are:

(a) Einstein never used flashcards: How our children really learn - And why they need to play more and memorise less
(b) The meaning of marriage

Let me talk a little bit about the first book.

Recently, we have been feeling guilty that we have not sent our kids to any enrichment classes at all, and having 2 kids who are aged 3 and 4, that seems a bit old not to have attended any (except the few sessions of Zoophonics which my elder son hated and we pulled him out soon after). At that time, we also discovered some free enrichment classes in early June, to interest parents in sending their kids over the June holidays, so we brought our kids to two such classes - an art class for very young kids, which was quite hard to find (most of them want kids above 4 plus), and another was a Japanese method of training the right brain of very young kids called Heguru. I guess it is similar to Shichida, which also uses flashcards, and trains photographic memory, but it is clearly different and according to the founder, relatively new to Singapore.

When I attended the free introductory lesson for Heguru, we were treated to videos of kids in Japan who had been trained under this method for years. What they could do seemed out of this world. It was like they were aliens from outer space. Some kids could do "wave reading" whereby they just flipped through a book really fast (think of flipping fast enough to get little cartoon figures to move), and after doing it a few times, they could write down in a fair amount of detail what the book said! They could also make up complex structures out of plastic cups really fast, and point out the number of dots on a paper flashed before them really briefly. I thought it looked like a freak show, but my husband was duly impressed and signed them up for a month's worth of classes. I asked the founder, who was conducting the introductory lesson, what were the life outcomes of these kids, and he said rather evasively that they did not track them. Personally, I was also thinking, so what if a kid could speed read like that, that could take a lot of enjoyment out of life! I mean, how were they going to find enough good books to occupy their time if they devoured them that fast! He talked about how by showing them flashcards really really fast, they were forcing the kids to switch from their left brain, which processed things more linearly, to their right brain, which could process things much faster. But by the time a kid reaches a certain age, they are unable to access the right brain as much (cue scary music for parents!). Hence we have to expose our kids now. In fact the younger the better (e.g. 18 months).

Well, it was so coincidental (or maybe divinely arranged?) that right after the class, I wandered into a children's bookstore in the same mall, and my eyes alighted on the book with the title "Einstein never used flashcards". I laughingly pointed it out to my husband, who replied "not many kids have the intelligence of Einstein". *Roll eyes*

The following week, they attended their first lesson and I sat with my younger son while my husband sat with my older one. My jaw dropped at how fast the 2 girls were talking and flipping through the flashcards. They were showing pictures of so many detailed things that I never thought of exposing my kid to - constellation names, pictures of famous paintings from a certain artist, landmarks in Germany, addition, subtraction and even multiplication, and even sang songs to them in a different language. They also made them do origami, when clearly my 3-year old lacked the fine motor skills to fold anything in a straight line. One kid kept screaming and crying and had to be brought out of the class after a while. The rest just sat there and either looked a bit shell-shocked, or started getting distracted at some point.

As I left, I stopped my the bookstore and bought the book, as I could not locate it in the library, and my curiosity was killing me.

As expected, it ridiculed the need to train kids at a young age to memorise letters, numbers, and names of famous painters, as memorising a lot of facts did not equate intelligence or understanding. It also said that kids who went to more academically-inclined preschools faired no differently in terms academic performance from those who went to more play-based preschools, except kids who went to the former were more anxious and stressed about learning. And it talked about how it was more important for parents to talk to their children in their daily life, or talk to them about what was happening in the storybook, to ask them questions, and to answer their questions, so that they learn in context, rather than memorise a lot of random facts. Talking frequently to our kids also helps them make sense of things that happened to them, and builds their emotional intelligence and resilience. And we can do many things to make reading and math fun. Like asking them about what the characters are feeling and why. Entertaining their questions about what they see in a book. Making them count their favourite toys, or share something, or giving them an allowance starting with really small amounts (nothing teaches math like money!). I must say my kids sometimes like to ask so many questions when I read, it takes a while to get through a page. But according to the book, we should relish such interactions!

And it also talked about the importance of giving them both convergent toys (where there is only one right answer, like a puzzle), and divergent toys (where there are many possible answers, like lego or blocks), to stimulate their creativity. And to give them time for free play, so they learn to entertain themselves and come up with things to do (an important skill in adulthood!) instead of always relying on videos or a screen to do it for them.

And not to praise them for their intelligence (guilty!), but for their effort; not to go wild with applause when they get the right answers (guilty again!), but to value their approach in solving the problem or arriving at the answer. Because it is their willingness to make the effort, to persevere, and to apply the right approaches, that will help them solve future problems. Praising them for intelligence may cause them to fear getting anything wrong, and being pleased when they get the right answer may produce more rote-learning than real learning.

All very tough lessons for me to apply, but in a future world where information can frequently be obtained via a search engine, the ability to amass and retain large amounts of information may not be as important as the ability to organise the information and to think critically and creatively.

Lastly, I reflected on my own childhood growing up. Funnily, my Grandma took care of me during my preschool years, and she was always too busy doing chores to bother with me. This meant I spent a lot of time lying on the living room sofa, watching TV or staring at the ceiling. One of my favourite pastimes was apparently washing my hands in the kitchen while talking to myself! I also eventually made up imaginary characters that I would talk to (including a younger sister) and when I started reading, to writing my own stories. My mum and dad were too busy working to play with me. And according to the Einstein book, having an imaginary friend was a sign of creativity in a child (think Calvin and Hobbes), and yet I suspect this often arises out of a lack of companions (Calvin didn't have any siblings, just like me) and boredom.

Hence, maybe our job as parents is much simpler than it really is - we just have to talk to our kids when we get home, read to them, give them both convergent and divergent toys, and limit their screen time so they can have a chance to be bored :)

And by the way, my husband didn't bring our kids to their third Heguru lesson, cos even he was starting to doubt the ability of my kids to absorb what was going on, and my older son was falling asleep in it! The art class, however, is another matter. We signed up for another 12 lessons this week as we were so smitten by the art work they were bringing back (see below), and as the teachers were providing us with good feedback on the relative abilities of my sons (younger one has better fine motor skills and more patience, older son is quick to finish and starts running around). I guess sometimes, old-fashioned hobbies are best.

Younger son's art

Older son's art

Parenting Philosophies

I have been scratching my head about what my parenting philosophy should be. By parenting philosophy, I mean - what do I really want my kids to develop into, and to have in life. What character traits, values, abilities, skills do I want them to have, which means I should spend time and effort inculcating in them? In our kiasu Singapore environment, I find when I don't determine for myself what I think is important, I end up stressing a lot about which preschools to send them to, which primary schools, and whether and which enrichment programmes to send them to... I'm sure many moms can relate to that.

A few weeks ago, if asked, I guess I would say my parenting philosophy is:

- I want my kids to be emotionally healthy, which means not insecure, not possessive, able to care and empathise with others, able to deal with personal failure and disappointments with others in a healthy way etc


- That my kids love to read as I do, as reading opens up whole new worlds of literature, thought and endless hours of entertainment and enjoyment

Recently, I had another small epiphany on this topic.

It started with a dream I had. It was a while ago, and I would have forgotten this entirely if I had not written it down in my handphone. In my dream, I think I was looking at one of my sons doing something, and suddenly I had this feeling of how God feels when one of His creation is doing something well that God created him/her to have the gift or aptitude to do – and it was a feeling of intense pleasure. It could pertain to something as simple as a runner running fast and exalting in his body, in the speed, in the exhilaration of running. Of a gifted musician jamming on his piano, creating beautiful music that uplifts his or her soul. Or a talented painter bringing colours of this world captured in his mind’s eye to life. Or even a mother, cooking a delicious meal for her family, and making the home a great place to be. Or a hairdresser, completely focused on giving the best haircut for the person before him or her.

This throws on its head what I have always believed pleases God. I have always thought God is pleased when we do the traditional “spiritual” things, like help to expand His kingdom (e.g. win souls, pray for souls, teach Bible study, serve in church, give money to the less fortunate), act in a Christ-like way like do something self-sacrificial for others, and generally obey the Bible.

But through my dream, I realised that God is also tremendously pleased to have his people do the things they were made to be are really good at doing, or have an innate talent for.

The closest verses in the Bible that talks about this is in Colossians 3:23 “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord” and 1 Corinthians 10:31 “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God”.

Hence, when I relate it to what my parenting philosophy ought to be, I feel in addition to the traits I listed above, I would like them to discover their passions and gifts, and to apply them as much as they can in their lives. So far, in my two sons, I am starting to tell what their natural talents are. My older son has a photographic memory, seems to have an affinity for music and math, and is kinesthetically-gifted. I would say the last talent is the most obvious. As a mom who loves words and was a "nerd" in school, I can't help lamenting to myself why can't he have developed a more useful gift? My younger son seems to like words and books, good food and creature comforts. Ah... did I say the younger one takes after me?

I am still discovering whether these passions and gifts are true in my kids, and to what extent. But if they are indeed true, I should probably help them develop more in those areas, and eventually pursue hobbies and careers that make use of such abiltiies. That is probably how they will come close to finding true joy and living out their purpose in life.

My Crazy Preschool Search

Hi!

It's been a while since I last posted and today I'd like to document my crazy big search for a good preschool for my dear son, which started 2 years ago and only ended yesterday :P

Let's see, let me start with my criteria for a good preschool:
(a) It has to be a school that is either within walking distance, or has a school bus that serves my area, and the journey should not be too long
(b) The teachers should be warm and engaging, and speak properly
(c) Curriculum should have a balance of academics (teaching them to read and write and speak) and moral values
(d) Good reviews online

Let's see, the first preschool I visited was Bedok Methodist Kindergarten, because that's where my husband went to when he was a kid, and it's also near his parents.  I was nonchalant when I visited, and I remember nothing really impressed me about that school.  The teachers were warm, the kids looked engaged, but the distance was a bit troubling.  It was a bit far from where we were staying, and if we sent our kid there, he would spend half the day at my in-laws', and I can imagine him watching Chinese TV dramas and cooking shows while playing with trains the whole afternoon, until we picked him up.  My in-laws are not very talkative people and they believe in leaving the kids to themselves, while the adults went on with their work/chores.  So I can imagine a very non-stimulating environment for my son, and that was a no-no.

The second school we visited was Pat's Schoolhouse at Siglap.  It was a premium full-day childcare and I had high hopes as I visited it.  However, two things put me off: the premises looked very cramped, the staircase high and winding, and when one set of kids came out of the classroom, clutching some craft they had just made, to go to their next programme, I couldn't help thinking they looked a bit listless, and one boy definitely looked a bit cross-eyed as he looked at me.  And the overwhelming feeling I got (together with their very impressive curriculum) was that, they totally overwhelm the kids with learning and activities, so that they have no time to think or process or just play around and be kids.  The kids looked quite washed out.  So I decided against them.  I later visited another Pat's Schoolhouse branch at Buckley road, but that is for another blog post.

Then was a whole slew of preschools, which we struck out because they were either
(a) Showing cartoons to the kids during school-time (Just Kids)
(b) Telling off a boy for almost 20 minutes in a very naggy, bad-tempered way when the teacher was supposed to be teaching some words to a group of eager student (PCF near my place)
(c) Leaving kids alone to run amock while a lone teacher mopped up urine grumbling the whole time (same PCF)
(d) Did not seem to have an English teacher who pronounced properly (Creative Twinkles), and who also seemed to be generally lacking in energy and slow in movement (she took 10-15 minutes just to set up a projector and computer the whole time I was there), although she was very friendly 
(d) Having a mix of teachers who ranged from very experienced to very inexperienced, and but knowing the inexperienced young teacher would be the one who would be taking the youngest class (Carpe Diem)
(e) Having a very weak academic curriculum (Kiddiwinkie near my workplace, and Hope Community Kindergarten)
(f) Being crazily expensive but having teachers who seemed just like myself - young and no commanding presence or great speaking voice to make them stand out as teachers (Odyssey) - yes maybe I am benchmarking against Julie Andrews a bit in Sound of Music, but for the highest childcare fees in Singapore, surely the teachers should be a cut above the rest?
(g) Having a great curriculum and teachers (except for a stern-looking Chinese PRC teacher who looked totally humourless and unhappy to be with kids all day) but was in a location where my husband would have to pick him up at 7pm sharp every day, which is stressful. 

By this time, I had this weary feeling like this item "Find preschool" would be a task item that could never get crossed off my list, and time was ticking away.

Then one day, as I was in cell group, we were doing a topic on Insecurities, and one of the homework was to do research on the verses in the Bible that addressed our insecurities.  No surprises, one of my greatest insecurities is not bringing up my kids in the best way possible, and somehow limiting their full potential later in life.  When I did a cursory internet search on verses on bringing up children, however, I was shocked to find out - not only does the Bible not talk about the importance of sending your kid to a good school, of excelling in academics, and not being tall enough or focused or well-behaved, it only talks about the importance of three things -- sharing with them about God's Word, teaching them to love God, and disciplining them when we need to, and not exasperating them.  I then added one more thing to my search criteria - the preschool should be in a church, which preferably will impart Christian values to my son too.  This was also bolstered (divine coincidence) by several recent testimonies of friends/colleagues who sent their kids to church kindergartens, Christians and non-Christians alike, and were all very happy with them.

So, I did a google search on church kindergartens in the east, and found a couple of them.  Then I checked the reviews, and struck out a couple, and called the rest.  One of them was already full, so that was out.  Another was very near but not yet built, so we can only decide in November (again, more on that later).  Another apparently had run-down facilities and no other online reviews.  So I put it a bit lower on my list.  Another looked extremely promising (St Hilda's Kindergarten) but I found out to my horror later that it was actually very far from my place, and my son would have to be on the bus more than 2 hours a day, and skip lunch every day.  I did identify one promising church kindergarten, which was in Pasir Ris - Pentecostal Methodist Church Kindergarten (PMCK) with good reviews and the bus uncle promised he could fetch kids living in my area, so my hubby and I went down yesterday to visit it. 

To our surprise, the church was quite bright and well-maintained, even new-looking, and I saw the word "missions" on one of the banners, which gave me a good feeling.  When I peeped into a few classrooms, the kids all were gathered around the teacher in a tight knot and being alert and raising hands (unlike many preschools where the kids were dispersed all around the class doing their own thing, and only a select group was with the teacher), and later when some classes filed out to go to assembly, I was pleasantly surprised that they were all very alert-looking and very pleasant in demeanour and well-behaved.  They didn't look listless nor were they overly boisterous, just very happy, well-behaved kids.  And when I saw a teacher teaching them some PE movement, the kids quickly followed suit.  I think if I send my kid here, he may not become the most independent and original thinker in town, nor score marks for inquisitiveness, but he will learn to follow teacher's instructions and maybe a bit of self-control.  That is important when he goes into our education system later on - I often worry that my son will not be able to sit still in class, or concentrate enough at home to finish his homework.  Their curriculum seemed the same as many other curriculums we saw, thematic and all that, and they followed Jolly Phonics (so at least they do follow a system, unlike in some schools when the teacher could not even articulate that), and the admin lady who was bringing us around stressed that they do teach values through their 15 min assembly every morning and big assembly time on Fris, so the only down side was that we did not get to observe the teachers actually teaching in class and pronouncing, and we also saw a Filipino teacher who was teaching the class my son would be in next year.  We then find out, to our surprise, that the admin lady also attended the same church as me!  There were also vacancies left (not many) for the morning session, so even after he attends enrichment, he will still be back in good time for lunch.

Anyway, after a short discussion with my hubby, and since their fees were not steep, we decided to put down a deposit to guarantee a place for our son next year, all the while stressing that I would hope my son would NOT get the class with the Filipino teacher to the admin lady (and she kept saying no promises, but I think she will take note).

And the even funnier thing is, I find out later that night at cell group that the church - Pentecostal Methodist Church - is actually the church attended by one of my cell members (yes there are 3 who do not attend my church in my cell)!  What a small world!  She was not there though, so I could not squeal over this coincidence with her.  But I will next week :)

I have been praying for a long time to make a wise decision on preschool for my sons and I considered this an answered prayer - for then.

After my boy started attending, we felt the preschool was fine, no complaints about the teachers (the Filipino teacher ended up being the super caring one) and my kid did find another naughty (oops, I meant active) boy and a few others to be his close friends, but we decided to pull my kid out because I was unexpectedly expecting a number 3 (planned by God!) and after running through the different care-taking arrangements and scenarios decided that it would be best if we sent both boys to full day childcare instead of half-day preschool, so my mum and maid can focus on taking care of the baby in the daytime.

So, we started hunting for a Christian full-day childcare near my place. I recalled the ECDA website had mentioned there would be a new childcare very near my place called Bethlehem Educare and checked the website and the tel no for any updates. To cut a long story short, it eventually opened, is within walking distance of my place, and the student-to-teacher ratio is very desirable - my eldest boy's class only has 4 students (with 2 teachers) and my younger boy's class has about 6 - 8 kids. The teachers are dedicated and passionate about the kids, giving me very detailed feedback about both my kids during the parent teacher conference, my eldest boy found another naughty little boy to be good friends with (see the pattern?), and my gentle younger one has become inseparable with a little girl (gasp!). So, this ends my preschool search phase 2. I hope there won't be a phase 3!!!

A Wonderful Afternoon at a National Gem

Yesterday (Sat), we finally decided to make good on our desire to bring kids into the nature and great outdoors, instead of always bringing them to

• Restaurants (NYDC and Kim Gary of Tampines One being perennial favourites)
• Library
• Supermarkets
• Shopping Malls

So, despite the fact that I would have liked an afternoon nap, result of too many nights of interrupted sleep and late nights, I gamely drank a cup of coffee, ate some digestives, while the maid packed the kids' bags, and since Jack seemed rather chipper after lunch (not having napped all day), and Caleb was awake, we packed them all in the car and drove towards Botanic Gardens. 

There is a funny reason why we decided to go Botanic Gardens instead of the many other possibilities in Singapore we would have probably chosen, e.g. East Coast, Gardens by the Bay, some park in Tampines.  The reason is (and I'm ashamed to admit it), as I was having lunch with a Siemens colleague, who happened to be a French lady who was living in Munich, I casually asked her if she had visited any areas of national interest during her brief stay in Singapore (she was here over a weekend).  She remarked that she had been to this wonderful garden, and it was truly beautiful, and the people who were behind it and upkeeping it were doing a wonderful job, and she spoke with such a glow in her eyes and voice that Eunice and I immediately thought she was talking about Gardens by the Bay, but she shook her head, and said no... and it turned out that she was talking about Botanic Gardens!  I was so puzzled I wanted to ask her what was so beautiful about it, but I held my tongue, as I had been there a few times and been utterly bored. 

That had piqued my interest in visiting Botanic Gardens again, but a couple more events pushed me over the edge.  One was a lunch talk I attended recently about urbanisation and development, some member of the audience asked about the importance of a hinterland in any city, and a panellist (a Dutch) immediately piped up "Very important, I mean, for sociological reasons, so people can get away from the city life, and for other reasons as well" and I mused to myself how alien that sounded to a Singaporean who was so used to city, city and more city.  There is no concept of rural area, or that there is a need to get away from the hectic pace of city life (at least not to me, though I do know of friends who travel to Malaysia or Indonesia every 3 months!).  Recently I also read in the papers about a preschool called Little Bunnies that was becoming increasingly popular amongst Singaporean expats, because they had no classroom, but brought kids to outdoor areas and fixed up a fence and it was their classroom.  And when I looked at the photo in the newspaper, the kids were indeed sitting before a teacher surrounded by nature. 

So the sum of all these little events was I resolved to bring my kids to some nature over the weekend, so that they would not only know indoor environments.  If not, they may not know how to appreciate nature anymore.  And didn't God make us originally gardeners?  So there is (according to Pastor Rony) an innate appreciation and love of gardens in man.  So, last Saturday we resolutely made the long journey to Botanic Gardens.  I had also called the weather information and they predicted "Cloudy" for Singapore and areas in Central, from 5-7pm, which was a green light for us to set out.

When we reached there, Caleb had already fallen asleep in the car, so we put him in the stroller, and wheeled him all around the garden.  Jack was still awake so we took turns carrying him, mainly the maid and me, and sometimes my hubby.  It turned out to be a very pleasant late afternoon.

Firstly, we realised as we walked that there was a denseness of trees and climbers, bushes and plants along the path, which I had not appreciated before.  The richness of the foliage and the different hues of green captivated me, and the fresh air (you know, the scent from being in a very 'ulu place', which smells of trees), coupled by the cool temperatures, made for very enjoyable walking.  There were also different types of flowers on some trees, if you stopped to look, and some of it looked so alien and out-of-this-world they just made me think of the words "weird and wonderful".  I never knew God had created such funny-looking flowers or fruits, and that they existed in tropical Singapore!  Then after a short stroll, we came to a crossroads and there seemed to be multiple attractions in both directions.  However I was attracted by the signs that said "Eco-garden" and "Jacob-Ballas Children's Garden", so having limited time, we started on that path.  Along that path, we came across some herbs/scent garden, smelled coriander, and saw garlic and pineapple plants, and saw bananas growing on a tree (which we excitedly pointed out to Jack, as he likes bananas and has never seen them hanging anywhere except on our kitchen wall and in stalls at the market). 

After walking a while along that path, we came to an open field, where people were picnicing or playing cricket, and eventually to a pond, which as we came nearer, looked like a scene ripe for a Monet painting - it was green, had some organic stuff floating on it, and many ducks swimming peacefully or standing on the edge preening themselves (I was surprised to see how many there were), 2  big black swans, and many tortoises, all swimming near the edge, where people were watching them.  This was way more wildlife than I had ever encountered in all my previous excursions to the Botanic Gardens and being an animal-lover, I excitedly brought Jack near to the water's edge to observe the wildlife.  But alas, he was more interested in chasing the pigeons which were nearby.  I sometimes wonder if he has a stronger hunter instinct than most.  Then, the peaceful silence was broken by increasingly alarmed cries of "no! no! no! no!" and a golden retriever had broken off from his owner (an Indian lady) and was making for the lake, and when he reached it, he waded in happily without hesitation, until he was up to his chest in water, and stood there looking quite content, a bit hesitant whether to chase the ducks or swans, and it was so funny.  Eventually he came out, shook himself all over, and trotted happily after his owner, who chided him half-laughing for providing "free entertainment" to everyone.

After that, we walked on and finally came to the children's garden.  I don't recall much of it, except there were some fake trees and signs explaining photosynthesis (Jack being too young to understand) and a playground which had a wall with funny shapes on it, which make different sounds if you strike on them.  Then we got out, and headed back.

On the way back, we were in for 2 pleasant surprises - one is that we managed to catch the different colours of the sunset through the trees - and it's been a while since I gazed at any sunset, and I was treated to a display of iridescent crystal pinks on the left, and light crystal blue and yellow on the right.  So beautiful.  And all the while breathing such fresh air and walking so much, I felt healthy and whole.

Then as we were reaching our carpark, we came across a band playing under a tree.  I approached them, wanting to my son to see people playing musical instruments (neither me nor my hubby play any at home), and realised how refreshing it was to listen to a band up close, playing live.  How clear and heavenly the sounds of a classical guitar being strummed up close!  I have always been content to listen to the radio or CDs, and was never one to be much into live concerts.  In fact the few I attended were disappointments, maybe cos they didn't sound as good as the CD and I was standing too far back to take a good look at the musicians' faces.  But here in the Botanic Gardens, listening to these amateur musicians jam away song after song, under a tree, which seemed to amplify their sound, under the fading light, with other bystanders standing nearby or sitting on benches, all appreciating the music, not wanting to be anywhere but here on a Sunday afternoon, I was blown away by the experience.  The powerful strums of the guitars, the harmonising of the vocals and the occasional strains of the violin, rising above the strumming of the guitar, gave a wistful, beautiful angle to the whole thing.  They weren't that good (the lead singer had a forgetteable voice, and sometimes the harmonising was offkey), but I couldn't help swaying from side to side to the beat.  I realised how much music is able to touch one's soul, and  I felt my spirit soaring.  One of the songs had the line "I'm not moving" in it and I wished they played more alternative songs. And after listening to 3 songs, we finally moved on.  This was followed by dinner at casa verde (I brought Caleb to the corner to watch the two men making pizzas through a glass window, and to see the many dogs sitting next to their owners, but alas, he was always gazing at the owners rather than the dogs - testament to his different personality from his brother - him preferring always the human face, while his brother focuses on anything that moves) where we managed to fill 3 stomachs to the brim with just $43 and even Caleb had a bit of bread, licking them off his hands that tightly clutched the bread, and then a trip home where Jack conked out.  A wonderful late afternoon at Botanic Gardens.  And we didn't even explore 1/5th of it!  Now I understand why people say the Botanic Gardens is a national gem, and why my Director mused "With Botanic Gardens, one really questions why we need a Gardens by the Bay?"

A Day in my Maternity Leave

Hello there!

In case I forget what I've done during my maternity leave (people always think it's an extended holiday, but actually I find it quite busy leh, but of a different sort), here is a chronicle of today:

• 7am: Woke up to feed Caleb, changed his diaper; Jack awakened but my mom making him milk, so I gratefully went back to sleep
• 9am: Caleb fussing again, so I woke up and fed him, Jack running around (the energiser bunny is up!), but went back to sleep, stilling my guilty feelings at not playing with Jack and delegating it to the maid
• 11am: Woke up proper (woke up 2-3 times last night so needed the extra sleep), Jack playing quietly  on the floor with the jigsaw puzzles I bought for him this past weekend from Harbourfront Centre (love that place) and some other toys.  Changed up, packed the silver bag and got ready to go out with Caleb, so I can eat a leisurely brunch without having to rush back to breastfeed. 
• 1230pm: Waited until Jack is being rocked in sarong for his afternoon nap before sneaking out with Caleb and stroller, the Straits Times and a library book.  Felt a sense of liberty as I boarded the bus to Tampines Interchange and looked forward to an extended brunch at my favourite restaurant in Tampines, Kim Gary (precious time alone!).  They sat me near the door, but I parked the stroller where I could see baby but away from the air-con vents, ordered a baked rice set, and read ST as baby slept.  He woke up a short while later (he never sleeps long in the stroller, on his back) and stared wide-eyed in the stroller for a while, turning his head from side to side, as if not sure where he is.  I crossed my fingers and ate nervously, wondering when he would start making noises and really cry which would mean I have to stop eating and pick him up.  One of the consequences of having a baby is that extended periods of meal-eating are a luxury.  Meals are often interrupted, and being a person not used to interrupting my meals, this has been a big change - but I guess that's what motherhood is all about.      
• At some point, he started making fussing noises, so I breastfed him under the wrap, changed his diaper and he fell asleep again.  I put him back in the stroller, and went back to eating, feeling a little smug at succeeding to be a modern mom for an afternoon, who can settle her baby calmly and efficiently while doing things she likes (who says quality of life has to suffer - much?).  Now that I think of it, the past few times I've been in Kim Gary have not been that enjoyable or memorable because I left baby at home and always have to rush back after about an hour in case baby wakes up and cries.  One of the pleasures of eating out in a nice restaurant is enjoying the ambience, which in my case is reading a good book and sipping my tea (they serve a mean iced milk tea), not just downing the food, and you need time to do that. 
• Shortly after, as I was in the middle of reading about how China is meddling in the ASEAN body (wa such grown-up topics, such a change for my brain, which has been occupied so far with carrying a baby, feeding him, changing diapers of both, and playing games with Jack), he woke up again, and so I carried him while I finished eating.  Then I paid and went over to Urban Write to hunt for a Christmas gift for a dear friend who insists on giving me gifts every year.  I realised that saying I am not a "gifts" person does not cut it anymore, and being on maternity leave around end of the year, I went traipsing around in the hip and colourful stationery/gift store, knowing I'll have better luck there than in vivo the other day.  As soon as I walked into the interior, pushing the stroller, I realised they had decorated the front part, stocking a set of Christmas gifts on 2 tables with a catalogue to help hapless shoppers like myself.  I soon found a great gift - a necklace holder shaped like a tree.  I always pick gifts that I myself would like, which I am not sure is always a good idea, but I can never make myself give someone something I myself wouldn't use.  But this means I keep wondering if I should buy TWO of it.  I mean, which girl has a good place to keep her necklaces - which?   I rest my case.  A good storage thing for necklaces is almost non-existent, resulting in me spending some part of my workday every day hunting for necklaces amidst the tangled maze and disentangling them before finding one I like, a waste of time and an unpleasant task.  I was also tempted to get a cool-shaped booklight for myself, as it was going at a discount ($14 instead of $17.90), but then recalled why I never used booklights, as the light they shine is too focused and narrow on a part of the page to make for pleasurable reading.  Then I bought a nice wrapping paper and got the store assistant to wrap it up for me, and feeling very "Christmassy" and "giving" ', I went out of the store and headed to the library.
• In the library, I managed to find a few parenting books (I am starting to feel like a clueless parent - Jack is increasingly bored at home, having seemingly lost interest in books and many of his toys) and a book for Jack (must still try), changed Caleb's diaper again as he cried the whole time (the thing about Caleb is - once he starts crying, he doesn't stop even when you are doing things to clean him or feed him, it's like his brain shuts down to all stimuli and is programmed to only stop when he is picked up or is sucking), put him back in the stroller, and went to borrow it.  As I was checking out the book, Caleb started bawling in earnest again, and though I wanted to finish borrowing the items before carrying him, he was screaming blue murder in the stroller and the nasty looks I was getting from people around me finally caused me to give in and carry him (he stopped crying immediately), and borrowed the book one-handed, throwing it unceremoniously in the stroller and then wheeling everything out.
• I went to take the bus home and on the bus, 2 moms with young kids exclaimed - "Wa!  Ni zhe me li hai ah!  Yi shou bao baby yi shou tui che!".  Yes I felt like the wonder mom.
• 5pm: Reached home, saw that Jack was still eating his lunch and went to take a shower (ah, a luxury! Alone time again!). 
• 545pm: Mom made Caleb sleep, so I brought Jack downstairs to the playground to run around (after reading that toddlers need a lot of time outdoors to expend their energies), and some little girl was blowing bubbles, which a few kids were excitedly bursting.  I put Jack down who joined in as well.  Then some young boys came out from the pre-school nearby, and all the boys started playing catching, where the young boys chased the older ones.  As Jack stood there, one boy streaked past, shrieking excitedly.  Jack stared at him, then another flew past in a whirlwind, and Jack did a little jump and made an excited sound.  He clearly was getting into the spirit of catching.  Then as I saw the boys streak up and down the slopes, then reverse and speed in the other direction when the chaser becomes the chasee, running and shrieking, I realised how this was what boys were meant to do (the girls were all sitting or standing around the playground playing their own things), and that this was the essence of boyhood - running like mad, adrenaline pumping and shrieking your heads off.  I laughed and let Jack do his own running round and round.  He now loves climbing up the grassy slopes and down again, crossing the drains, holding my hand less and less.  Finally he led my hand to our lift (a first, when he wants to go back before me!) and I washed him, gave him some water and in the sarong he went again for his second nap.
• At night, after carrying Caleb for a long time (he woke up and wanted to be carried, crying whenever he is put down), my hubby came back and played with Jack who wasn't sleeping, thank God.  I fed Caleb and my dad took over carrying him so I could have my dinner, and took over carrying Caleb again.  He finally settled down  around 1030pm and I could get onto my computer to do the perf report my boss asked me to do, while hubby got on the computer to do some research for work as well.  It was a peaceful time in the house, with my mom watching Korean drama in the living room.  I made myself a cup of iced decaf coffee (which tasted so good) and sat there drinking while I deleted unwanted emails and drafted some pointers, sitting at my new makeshift desk in front of my bedroom window (did I tell you the kitchen chair fits the table and my legs perfectly?).  I felt perfectly at ease and at peace then.  We worked till 1am, when I managed to send out the pointers, then I read half of "Show Mom How" (it's not as funny as Show Dad How and it's scary how many of the points I already know) and went to sleep though I wasn't that tired yet.  Need my rest for another day!