Insights from Slowing Down (Slightly)

 Hello!

Yesterday, I went to church for my second mentoring session and the topic was: 1) experiencing and being sensitive to God's prompting and leading every moment of our lives, and 2) the value of keeping the Sabbath.  I must say I still have not fully internalised the first topic (what a big and immense topic it is!) but the second topic really gripped my imagination and I felt challenged and intrigued enough to try my hand at keeping the Sabbath today.  

So what does Sabbath mean, really, to a working mom in a very modern hectic city like Singapore?  Well, based on the book we were reading, Sabbbath is about stopping work (easy!), enjoying rest (not so easy with 4 kids and husband who likes his me time too, and also with my maid going off to enjoy her Sabbath as well), practicing delight (hmm how do we do that exactly) and contemplating God (of course!).  It was especially challenging as the book said Sabbath was when we rest from paid and unpaid work, and the latter includes paying bills, doing housework, running errands.  I mean, if we don't do it on Sunday, then we have to make sure we get these done on the other 6 days.  I guess that is where intentional planning comes in.

So this morning, I decided since going for nature walks and spending time with my family bring me delight, we should go to a breakfast place near to a park, and after breakfast, go for a walk in nature.  Since my maid was taking off too, we packed up all 4 kids and went to some HK cafe at Sin Ming (So Good Cafe), ate dimsum and then went off to Windsor Park.  It was quite sunny by then so I donned my cap, tried unsuccessfully to press caps on my 3 other kids, and trudged along carrying baby and we saw monkeys, salamanders, red dragonflies, and many large ants.  We got home sweaty and quite tired (trudging in the hot tropical jungle does sap your strength!).

Later in the day, after the kids went down to my parents' place to watch TV, husband went out to play soccer, I decided to sit at my balcony with my handphone and journal to do my Quiet Time.  My passage was Proverbs 28:11 "The rich are wise in their own eyes; one who is poor and discerning sees how deluded they are." And I was puzzling over how the rich are "deluded".... Dark stormclouds were gathering and streaks of lightning kept flashing. I got quite distracted, and also started wondering how lightning is formed.  Since I had my handphone in hand, I Googled it, and to my surprise, it was due to the formation of positive charges on the top of a stormcloud and negative charges at the bottom (why is it like that?) and then it somehow causes the ground to have positive charge, and then zaaap! Electricity crosses the atmosphere either from the bottom of a stormcloud to the highest point on the ground, or from cloud to cloud (I especially like the cloud to cloud bit).  And nobody really knows why the electricity happens in a zig-zag fashion.  And even more amazing, is how thunder is formed.  It is because the electricity creates a hole in the air, and when air rushes back in to fill the void, it creates the sound of thunder.  I mean, consider how loud thunder really is!  And it is just air rushing back to fill a thin void in the sky, how can be that loud?  Sometimes it's almost like a thunderclap that makes everyone jump out of their clothes for a while!  So I started marvelling how loud and powerful this phenomenon which looks like a thin streak in the air, is, and how we humans, if we didn't have our concrete houses, are at the mercy of nature.  And how powerful weather is, and how little we still understand it, and how small we are.  

And this led me to contemplate that any day, something bad could happen to our small miniscule lives -- we could be struck by lightning, someone could be struck by disease, and that is probably how the rich are deluded.  They don't realise every little thing comes from God, from their health, to their ability to keep their wealth, and make even the next dollar, and so on and so forth.  And we really should not take anything for granted, and give thanks for all the blessings.  And not just give thanks, but bless others richly.  I mean, God didn't bless us just so we keep thanking Him, and the Sparklight (Sunday school) lesson today was also on how Aquila and Priscilla were generous in sowing into God's kingdom.  They were literal tentmakers (they sewed and sold tents!) and back then, believers shared everything, so they shared their money and their home with Paul and others who wanted to hear the gospel.  May we be like Aquila and Priscilla.

Why My Kids Don’t Read Chinese Books

It has been my goal to get them to read more Chinese books during these Dec holidays (well one of the goals), but I realised that pictures matter a lot in a children’s book. That is where the English books have it right.  There is just no end of permutations and styles of children’s illustrations in English kiddy books, ranging from the very solid and bold lines, clear shapes and bright colours (think Peppa Pig), to realistic pictures (like Thomas the Train) to the messy, rangy, pastel characters in Dr Seuss and black-and-white drawings in Ronald Dahl, and everything in between of course.  They also have  a wide range of storylines ranging from the tame (e.g. Little House on the Prairie) to the totally rebellious and wild. (Eg Dog Man, Captain Underpants), stories of underdogs becoming heroes (eg Diary of a Wimpy Kid) and stories of adventure, pirates, knights and robots.  Whereas in comparison, somehow the Chinese children books we see here are typically of animals doing lame things like inviting one another to parties, falling sick and caring for one another, learning to finish their food, brush their teeth and learning morals.  Their pictures are also kiddish and round and unrealistic, of animals doing in distinct actions or of people doing nothing much but talk.  The colours tend to be faded and words are small and close together, making it daunting or unpleasant for a kid to read them. 

A market gap!!! For interesting, wild and engaging Mother Tongue books! 

I mean, what is it with having fewer, bigger words, a very engaging and exciting storyline full of danger, and also bright, leap-off-the-page pictures full of action?

I think I should try to write and draw some good Chinese children books.

About Jealousy

Is parental jealousy even a thing?  I think so.  Because recently, I realised that every time I have a conversation with this particular mommy, I tend to feel these feelings of jealousy arise.  Being a 42-year old mommy of 4 bright and diverse kids, in a job I love, with a spouse I have little to complain about, what am I jealous of, you may ask?  

Well, it started with me feeling a jolt of disbelief and irritation when I found out that her boy who is the same age as my eldest scoring better than my boy in 2 or 3 subjects, and even possibly topping the cohort in those subjects, her oldest boy (a really lovely and well-behaved boy by the way) also did really well in his PSLE due to his mother's efforts in schooling him in Chinese in the last 6 months (he is going to try to ACS as he qualifies) and I think he received $240 in vouchers for topping his school in 2 subjects I think, even though both parents are not as "smart" and successful as me and my husband.  Then there is the fact that even though they don't earn as much as us, she has this uncanny ability to get the best deals on everything (she told me early on how they have a knack of winning lucky draws, and they ever stayed at a hotel for free from some farmhouse lucky draw).  For example, she manages to find fun things to do with her kids without breaking the bank.  Recently, my husband brought all of us to Universal Studios as a way to have fun during the December holidays.  Neither of us being the type who likes researching for discounts and deals, we paid the full fee, and as this is still during Covid, the rides only opened from 2pm and it rained cats and dogs for about 1.5 hours in the afternoon, so all the outdoor rides were closed for that amount of time and after that all rides had queues of at least an hour, and we only managed to do 4 rides, and all the shows were closed, so we didn't have such a good time despite paying through our nose to bring the whole family there.  We also didn't eat in there either cos a lot of eateries were closed, and we had so little time).  When she asked about my time in Universal Studios, she said they went to Universal Studios during her company's family day when they paid next to nothing, had $20 food vouchers, and enjoyed all the rides twice cos there was no queue whatsoever, plus watched all the shows.  Harrumph.

She also furnishes her house very tastefully and economically (they recently replaced their old sofa with a secondhand IKEA couch which looks new, with a beautiful white rug thrown in for $200).  Her piano was obtained free from her church whereas mine was scouted from Carousell for $400, I thought it was already a good deal.  They have a big blackboard in the living room where they write on and pin up all the letters from school (I bet them never miss a spelling, some instruction from school, or any event, whereas I need to be reminded of them through parents' Whatsapp chats and terse, snarky reminders from the teachers), a long wooden dining table where the kids do their work, play games and the family gathers for dinner, full of peace and order and harmony.  Her boys are boisterous, running around, shrieking and playing nerf guns, with my kids, but the parents banned them from Roblox as it was too addictive, whereas my boy is still playing it off and on and pestering us every day to play it (yet another area we fail to do).  

She feeds her family with vegetarian tasty meals which her boys gobble up.  And did I mention how her boys are all tall and robust (a sore point for me, as my boys, especially my second boy, is super super short).

There is also the fact that her boys are super good at brainy games like chess, Rubix cube, and read super fast and devour thick books with all words and no pictures like the kids' version of the Pilgrim's Progress (my 9 year-old still likes comics and his books must have at least some pictures, even if they are mainly words, and the content must be irreverent, cheeky, or very violent).  Her kids are also generally well-behaved, moral kids, who have bible study every day with their grandparents.  Well, you get the picture.

So, basically she is a better mom than me in every way.  Her family is well-run, with wisdom, in an economical and healthy way, and her kids are well-behaved and tall.  Everything I aspire to be and to do, which I fail in some way when compared to her. 

Ok, I know this is childish, and silly, cos actually we have a lot of good times together, where my boys get along really well with her boys and we enjoy chatting with the parents, and we share tips on what to do with the kids, good classes to send them to, good Chinese and piano and swimming teachers etc etc, and we do learn a lot of tips from them that way.  But I can't help feeling this twinge whenever she crows about her achievements (ok, I'm sure she didn't mean to do it), and now it has become quite full-blown, where I am quite aware of the resentment building in my chest whenever I talk to her, behind my strained smiles.

I started asking myself, what does the Bible say about jealousy?  How should I react to these feelings?  How can I stop feeling jealous of this poor mommy who has no idea of the effect she is having on me (and possibly harbouring her own feelings of jealousy for God knows what?).

I remembered a few points:

(1) She likely has no idea those aspects of her life (which she may take for granted) is making me feel jealous, so it's silly to resent her for something she is not even aware of 

(2) Feeling jealous of her in all those aspects is likely showing up areas of insecurity in my life, or idols I have built up in my life, where I measure my success by how well I do in those aspects, and reassure myself I am a good mommy, or somehow feel confident if I have those things or my kids behave in those ways or have those traits - so I have to deal with them in my own time, in the privacy of my soul, and they are likely to be shadows in my life, areas of bondage.  

(3) Like the story in the Bible of David and Bathsheba, I remember how he probably envied Uriah, his loyal soldier, his lovely wife, when he had his own harem of countless wives, and God said He would have given David any lawful woman he desired.  I tried to put myself in David's shoes and realised David must have felt insanely covetous of Uriah's wife, and he may have temporarily derived no pleasure from his other wives and concubines, to the point he sinned against God's law and slept with another man's wife.  From an outsider's point of view, you may be tempted to shout "David! Don't be stupid! Turn your eyes towards God!  And all the pleasures God has already provided!" but he was deaf to it.   How does it relate to this example, you may ask?  Well, my kids are bright and gifted in their own ways, and are developing at their own pace, but when I look at this mommy's kids, who are so close to mine in age, I can't help but feel insecure, that my kids don't measure up in many ways.  So I am focusing on what they lack, comparing them against others, when I should be content with who they are, and focusing on what God has given me, instead of what I don't have.  And God has given me A LOT.  

So I think, this is the problem of comparison.  Of discontent arising from all this insidious, subconscious comparisons that happen in our brains without us even thinking.  And though I'm no longer on Facebook, the devil still manages to get at me through real live people I interact with, disrupting my peace, my contentment.  The funny thing is, the father of the kids may be struggling with comparisons of his own cos we live in a condo and we have a car and my husband doesn't think twice about splurging on the kids (they don't have a car, yet another wise decision in Singapore where car ownership is ridiculously expensive, and they have more books than toys).  

Anyway, I am still a parent struggling and learning how to raise my kids in the Lord, in a technologically-advanced, materialistic society where kids are glued to gadgets all day long and more likely than not to be impatient, self-centred, rude, and self-entitled.  I can see streaks of these in my kids every day (probably due to the media and games they are exposed to) and I am fighting an uphill battle every day to scrub away these tendencies from them and to educate them in the right way to go, which takes time and endless repetitions and moralising (explaining why that is the right way to behave.  I should see both sets of families as fellow soldiers on this journey together and try to encourage one another to reach the end goal, rather than begrudge them their successes.  And I should remind myself that God made everyone different, and He needs every person He has made to live up to their full potential, and this is not a competition, but a war where we are all on the same side, and we are in the same company - when they win, we win too.

And I should rely more on God to help me in my daily journey, rather than man (although they do seem to be a source of wise practices and seem to have gotten it "right" much of the time).  I should be thankful for what God has given me, look to God for wisdom,  and expose my kids more to God even as I spend more time with God myself.  That will restore my soul from the ravages of comparisons and keeping up with the Joneses and my propping up fragile self-esteem.

Ok, enough of my rambling.  I think I got it out of my system.  Hope this has not bored you to tears!

The Power of Worship

I have been following the US elections and I must say today, on the 7th of November 2020, when Joe Biden was announced US president, I felt sickened in my stomach and unbearably blue (pun unintended).  I felt like America would be headed for more liberal, whitewashed policies, more chaos, more oppression, more inequality, more lies and deception and just felt like weeping for America.  I felt I had let someone down - maybe I didn't pray enough, I should have fasted, and the news media seemed intent on not reporting Trump's version of the story aside from brief mention of his claims and always with the words ‘unsubstantiated’ or ‘without evidence’. I do see evidence hinting at election tampering in other websites and I’m not sure why the news outlets don’t profile it.  I wonder if certain key officials in the swing States and media outlets are all in collusion with the democrats...

And then I remembered this opening chapter of a book I was reading yesterday while I was taking a rare moment to sit down in a nice cafe environment (Dig Restaurant at Bishan Library) with both of my boys, our stroller laden with books, books, books!  And both of them were digging (haha, another pun cos of the cafe we were in) into their books with gusto, my oldest a block of a tome from the Adult section called "Battles That Changed History", and the younger one this graphically explosive book called "Escape from Planet Alcatraz"by Michael Dahl (no prizes for guessing how we came to stumble upon this unknown series).   And for me, after ordering 2 pastas and a beloved mocha for myself and an oreo milkshake for the boys, I sank into my seat and pulled out a brand new book which I found lying in my husband's car boot, given to him by friend so long ago that he couldn't even remember who gave it to him, called "Attack Lambs".  It was just the kind of book I loved.

So as I was cracking open the initial pages (my favourite part of reading any beloved book!) and reading it, while sipping my mocha, I stumbled upon these words which seared into my brain:

"All successful spiritual endeavour comes forth from an attitude of worship.  Why?  Because as worship focuses us on the Lord, it brings clarity.  This clarity causes us to see the affairs of this life for what they are.  It releases us to see that we are seated in heavenly places in Christ, with Him at the right hand of the Father.  We can see that the blood of Jesus has set up free from the presence and power of the Enemy (Hebrews 9:12)"

This is a timely reminder to my soul, when I am feeling so down, so helpless, so fearful.  We need to return to an attitude of worship and continue to pray, pray for America and the truth to be revealed and for all lies and deception to be exposed plain as day.  

I have also been reading Joshua 3 to 6 last Fri, and one of the key takeaways I had from the passage, a fresh insight, was that somehow God uses very unconventional methods to gain victories, e.g. He asked the Israelites to circumcise all the males while they were camped outside Jerico, which would have rendered them in pain and vulnerable for days. But they did it anyway.  And when they approached the walls of Jerico, what did God ask them to do? March around the walls for 6 days and not do anything except blow the trumpets.  It is almost like they were asked to worship for 6 days and on the 7th day, worship 7 times as long, and then give a shout.  And what do you know, without them even lifting a sword or a battering ram, the walls came crumbling down.  From worship.  And obedience.  And setting apart (circumcision). So I feel the power of worship is often underestimated in our society today where it seems like just something we do in church, before we get to the sermon proper, and just singing a few songs. Not linked really to victorious living or Spirit-filled loves.  Or even Spiritual warfare.  But it is. It is a powerful way to connect to the power of the Living God.  Like Attack Lambs said, it is an uplink and a downlink at the same time. It is a great way to recharge ourselves, to increase our spiritual ‘health’, to give us the energy and the boldness to continue being different, to even give us divine wisdom for living (how many times have I felt an insight downloaded about a problem when I was worshipping?). 

I have accumulated a playlist of powerful and uplifting worship songs which I think I ought to download into my phone and play it when I’m feeling down.... Perhaps that is something I should do next.

Designing Your Home - Having a Space of Your Own

I am a big believer in having a corner for yourself in your home.  I think everyone needs such a space where they can place objects that are dear to them, that they can place things which they use often, which they can decorate any way they want, and a corner to pursue their own hobbies, be it writing, crafting, building or making something, listening to music, basically doing what they like, and be by themselves and be undisturbed and comfortable.  There are so many homes where each member of the household does not have such a corner but make use of communal spaces to do this.  I think communal spaces are great, as they serve a purpose well, and are also the spaces where we interact with one another, other family members.  These are spaces like the living room, kitchen, dining areas, etc.  But at the same time, I think each person also has a deep need for a space of their own, where they can be by themselves and recuperate and recharge and mull over things. 

I think this will help us to live more purposeful lives, and also lead more balanced lives.  With deep reflection and alone time, we can be even more energetic and boisterous and directed in our outside life.  Gosh, this is firing me up.  I have been walking around my house and just cannot find such a space for myself.  I can tell my husband uses his side of the bed for this.  He is often found there in the home when he is not busy with kids or work.  I need such a space where I can put my notebooks, stationery, a Bible and some key books, a laptop or handphone to play music, a surface of a nice height to write on, with adequate lighting.  Hopefully this place also has a view, is not too sunny, and is comfortable for me to sit for long hours....  The difficulty is in finding such a place in my home that has not been claimed by my kids, or my mum for communal study areas, personal areas or play areas. 

After much walking around the home, praying for divine guidance and trying out different corners and surfaces (e.g. balcony, family room, last room, living room, bedroom walk-in wardrobe), none of them worked and this is the final area I settled upon - the space next to my bed and which used to be occupied by the baby cot.  This is my "table of my own" and also my prayer altar.  I will use it to worship, read the Word, pray and journal my thoughts and prayers.  Mainly write.  

  

Exciting and Satisfying Work

Now, this may sound strange, but I have recently experienced some very exhilarating times at work, and I have realised they come together with handling very difficult issues.  Yes, basically when I have a hard time or am facing a seemingly insurmountable or daunting problem, my heart starts pumping faster, my stomach clenches, my adrenaline flows, I don't feel fatigue at all even when I work long hours, and I sort of lose my appetite almost so I end up working into mealtimes without realising it.

And the feeling after a hard slog, and finally cracking the intractable complicated issue, untangling a knotty problem, or cutting through the thick fog of technical jargon to distill out the essence of the issue and present it in crystal clear, simple, correctly nuanced arguments, is immensely, deeply satisfying to me. 

Ok, so recently there have been 3 issues, which gave me that satisfying feeling.  First is an appeal, the second is a radiation-related issue, and the third is a response to a big boss on an issue of a trial.

Now, on the appeal, gosh there were so many twists and turns, and it was such a long-drawn drama, it could become a case study in itself!  Yes in fact I think I will write a short story just to make it funny and to remember what went on.  But most recently, my policy department haggled back and forth with an operational department on a reply to a big boss on  this appeal, in particular on some technical issue which he asked us to sort out, and both sides edited the reply to death.  We would craft it more in our favour and they would edit it further to highlight points in their favour - after 3 to 4 rounds of this, going late into Friday night and spilling over into Saturday morning, we finally ended up with a very carefully nuanced, finely balanced reply, where every word has been argued over and agreed and is so loaded with meaning behind it... I am very proud of our reply actually - proud of the final reply and proud of actually getting the other department to agree to it!  The trick is to limit our edits to highlighting facts which they cannot dispute, but the facts are actually in our favour.  The moment we add arguments, they would disagree.

This appeal also resulted in me staying up late at night after the kids have gone to bed, booting up my computer, pen and paper in hand, and trying to check the calculations of the operational department, which involved reading some technical document and following their formulae, and plugging in various coefficients which had their own formulae.  It was like solving algebra, and it was something which I had not done in so long and which I really relished!  And another day, my officer actually came up with an excel spreadsheet which was so beautiful, and he could generate a chart which was the holy grail that we were trying to find out from the Japanese, and it was absolutely thrilling to see him talk to himself "oh, I forgot to account for acceleration and deceleration", and he would go into certain cells, update the formulae, and press enter, and the graph would update itself and he would say "ok, now it's correct".  This is a sign of a true excel whizz.

What I learnt about myself through these few weeks, handling all these tricksy issues, is that I am someone who loves a good mental challenge.  I refuse to let something which seems awfully technical deter me, and will plunge headlong into it and try to figure it out. And when I do, and can argue my case with the best of them, men who have spent years of their life on this issue, I feel a sense of deep satisfaction and achievement.  And we gain mutual respect for each other.  And I feel the issue becomes clear as day and I know what to do.  It's a great feeling really.  I hope everyone feels the same way when we face problems at work - resolving them is super satisfying!!!

Praying with Wrong Motives

I was experiencing a very unsettling feeling. I had just approved a submission proposing to reject an appeal. Although I initially wanted to accede to it, we had concluded after much internal discussion that rejecting it was the legally more defensible position to take. 

But when we put it up, a very astute boss at the next level asked us to try to find out one more detail from the overseas authorities to back up one of our statements. We agreed to do so even though we felt the overseas authority would not reply in time, and to our surprise they did!  And from the surface looks of it (we are still trying to decipher a lot of technical charts and explanations they gave us), it looks like we may have to reverse our position...

Now this is a mortifying position to be in for a policy department, to put up something which later you realise or your bosses point out is actually the wrong position.  I mean, correction of English, better nuancing, reorganisation of arguments, I can handle, but to have to reverse your recommendation, is like being told you are doing your job entirely wrong. My first reaction was to pray that in dissecting their replies we would be proven right, that we should still reject their appeal.

However, it so happened my QT today was on James 4:1-4 'What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.'

I certainly identify with the' desires that battle within you' part - I dearly desired to be proven correct because to be proven otherwise would be bad for the reputation of my policy outfit and for me as well. The part on quarreling and fighting, I felt like I was quarreling with myself and trying to find arguments so that I should be right. But I was quite convicted by the end, that I had to pray for the right and best outcome to be achieved because that is the right thing to do, and not to pray to save my own face. Because to pray like that would be to 'ask with the wrong motives'. 

In fact I was reminded that my prayer just before our discussion with the bosses was that we would collectively come to the best outcome, although I had not anticipated that this would mean having to eat humble pie! 

Now I have to come to terms with the fact that we may have to go back to tell them we are reversing our position, and to be ok with that, because if I didn't have to care about my own reputation and career, that would be what I would gladly do.  Perhaps I should pray for courage, moral courage to do what's right, to seek to please God only and not man, and to do what seems painful as an offering to God, a living sacrifice. 

I am always surprised at how the Word of God always comes in a timely manner to remind me....