Herd Instinct

I recently encountered two "alpha males" in my course of work, and it was an eye-opening experience. Both of them exuded zest and alacrity in their actions (as opposed to lethargy, apathy and various states of zombification), displayed a positive and 'can do' attitude towards things, that was so refreshing amidst a growing sense of negativity and complaints of people around me, a curious mind and a breezing disregard for superficial objections by people who say it cannot be done. Both were focused, driven, and absorbed in the task they were doing, and respectful of the different talents in their team (perhaps to varying degrees). They both described the end goal in such inspiring, lofty terms, that the people around them who were still mulling over the large amount of work that had to be done (and some never rise beyond that), were left feeling slightly- yes, inspired. Of course, being alpha males, there was a certain amount of one-up-manship, varying displays of (reckless) bravado and competition, of jockeying for space, but I could not help observing how the sheer power of their drive had a cascading effect of setting the people around them into motion as well, to be more "present", more engaged, in short, more alive.

I once read a book that said the way to keep one's passion was to be with passionate people, or like-minded, kindred souls. When I read it, I did not fully understand the point and even scoffed at it. How could that be a key factor in keeping one's passion? Surely a passionate person who has a clear vision could stay perfectly driven and passionate even when he or she was surrounded by people who were otherwise? But perhaps there is some truth in it after all.

The human psyche is such that we run with the herd. You know how people say it takes a long time to break one record, but once it is done, many others go on to break it? We tend to observe the people around us, and to model after them sub-consciously, in speech, in thought, in action. Knowing this, we should probably: (i) watch our speech and conduct carefully, as there is surely a knock-on effect on others, perhaps more than we realise, and (ii) we should be mindful of the people we are with, as we may be emulating them unknowingly.

Of course not everyone has the priviledge to be with people who inspire us, or who are excellent in what they do. But if we do, this certainly goes a long way in stretching our horizons, stoking our imagination, spurring us to reach further than we would have done ourselves. If we are with people who are going in the right direction, we tend to follow suite. And vice versa. Not by our sheer individual effort, but by the mere drifting along with the crowd. It is a scary thought.

Health is so Precious

I just finished a visit to an ENT specialist to get my hearing checked out - a first for me. The reason I ended up here at the very nice amount Elizabeth Novena (not the one at Orchard which Google Maps misled me to going to, thank God I was early by half an hour for once and had time to catch the shuttle bus to the Novena branch! This is not the first time I’ve been played out by these so-called wayfinding apps) is because after attending a particularly noisy D&D (in part the Emcee was very boisterous, in part the Organising committee just amped up the volume way too loud at the end, trying to turn it into some disco), I suffered a blocked feeling in my left ear 2 days after the event, making me feel like my left ear was stuffed with cotton wool (which I ended up doing but more on that later), which gradually turned into a low buzzing sound that got louder and louder, becoming especially irritating when I was in quiet rooms, such that I started feeling agitated by the sound. It was literally driving me slightly crazy. As I was complaining after dinner last night and my dad suggested that I stuff cotton wool into my left ear to stop the buzzing. Strangely, it worked, so I spent the rest of the night walking around the house, playing with the kids with this white ball of fluff sticking out of my left ear. I recall my baby girl looking at it very strangely. And then various well-meaning people whom I complained to urged me to get it checked out right away, warning me ominously that any delay could result in many unpleasant outcomes ranging from permanent hearing loss in BOTH ears, to having throat cancer (I jokingly told my colleague who told me that, that I would then finally have some real proof to show the admin guys who are dragging their feet in replacing our office furniture, that the formaldehyde situation in the office was really a health hazard).

My experience getting there was quite interesting in itself. Besides trusting the innocent-looking google maps instructions, I bought an iced coffee at a vending machine near where I was waiting for the shuttle service, and was looking for place to discard my coffee can by the time I reached Mount E (Novena). However after walking for a bit, I concluded a private hospital was unlikely to have recycling bins, and dumped it with great regret into a dustbin. Then as I turned the corner to take the lift, I saw a nice shiny row of recycling bins!! I felt this huge jolt of dismay course through my veins and could not help muttering to myself under my breath "Oh you of little faith!". That was when I found myself thinking how wonderful it would be if we could have some personal assistant app that could advise us where the nearest recycling bins were ("only ten steps away!") and give us prompts if we typed in a location that has several branches ("Which Mount Elizebeth Hospital?"), and gives us accurate walk times ("With all the overhead bridges and traffic lights, and giving yourself some time to get lost, your walk time would be 30 minutes").

So, back to my ENT appointment. After a hearing test and some checks (I have never seen the inside of my ear in such detail before. Got to get my right ear cleaned out), she pronounced my hearing ok, but said that my blocked nose was probably causing my Eustachian tubes to be collapsed, lowering my middle ear pressure, and could be causing the buzzing sound and depressed hearing. It was all rather technical but I was expecting that, as it is the ear we are talking about. Of all the senses to have trouble with, my dad had told me early on in my life that hearing loss is IRREVERSIBLE, giving me a deathly fear of all problems ear-related and a healthy respect for this miraculous organ that God created. With all of medical advances, mankind still has not found a way to reconstruct or repair the eardrum once it is damaged. Hearing aids also look quite hideous and need battery power (although websites say they are now improved, but the designs I saw still looked pretty large and like they would stick out of our ears). What I took away from this (aside from a receipt for paying $250 in fees) was that I was so glad my hearing is ok and I get to keep my perfectly fine sense of hearing (thank you, ears, I've never paid much attention to you but you're doing a good job!) for another few decades (hopefully) cos it would really suck to have no hearing in one ear or both and have to wear hearing aids.

Oh, and on my way there, I saw a child alighting from the shuttle bus accompanied by her mom and dad. She was bald, wearing a bandana, and though she was tall, she was really really scrawny. From the back I could see her shoulder blades very prominently, sending shudders down my spine. She was probably a cancer patient, going through chemo. I felt a huge pang of sadness when I saw her, and thought back to my kids and how skinny they are, but it's skinniness born out of genes and not sickness. And I was reminded of how precious being in good health is, both for ourselevs and our loved ones. Like my pastor said, every morning when we can wake up, breathe air in our lungs, move around without problems, do meaningful work, and sit down to enjoy a good meal, we should get down on our knees and thank God for such lavish, abundant blessings. May we all remember this often.

Career Bucket List

Today I read an article in the papers that talked about how we could have a job, a career or a calling. The differences were quite interesting: if it's just a job, people tend to be clock-watchers, and come to work just to put intone mandatory 8 hours (or less if they can get away with it) so that they can really start living after work. If it's a career, people tend to be very driven, motivated and achieve great outcomes, but they are motivated by money, prestige, status. If it's a calling, the content of the work matters and they are driven by intrinsic factors such as wanting to serve others or improve something. They often also get the money, status and promotions as a result of their performance although they were not looking for it. The interesting thing for me is that on the surface, both people working in their careers and calling may appear equally driven, but their driving factor are so different! I Guess when the going gets tough, or when the prospects of promotion or work-to-reward ratio are not up to mark, then we may see differences in response in the two types of people.

To help people find their career or calling, the writer suggested that we write down our career bucket list - meaning what things do we want to have achieved before we die, if there were no limitations? Or to help spur the imagination, what would we want to be featured in the papers for in the future? I was quite intrigued by it and so here is my attempt at crafting one:

- Publishing a book that is enjoyed by thousands
- To have touched people whom I worked with by inspiring them towards excellence and God
- To really improve the way things are done, address inefficiencies and maximize impact, and delight people as they go about their daily lives in many ways
- I have always wanted to experience life as a waitress
- I really enjoyed coding once, perhaps to actually code something or develop a machine that works!
- To preach a series of sermons on things close to my heart

More Interesting Stuff about my Kids

So, last weekend, my parents-in-law asked us not to go to their place as there was a lot of renovation going on outside their house. This meant aside from their usual art and abacus enrichment classes, and our church commitments (the stables of our weekend), we spent much of the weekend catching Pokemons (yes, tell my kids the craze is over please). To make things worse (or better, depending on how you see it), my hubby downloaded something called a Pokemap, which shows where the uncaught Pokemons are in Singapore with great accuracy, combined with a countdown timer to show you how long you have to hotleg it over there before it disappears. This got my eldest very excited as he could finally see where he could catch his beloved Starmie.

I won’t tell you what new Pokemons we managed to catch with the help of this app (Pikachu, Rapidash, Ivysaur, Clefairy, and we evolved a Nidorina too), but I do want to write about what new things I learnt about my kids in watching them play the game.

My eldest boy:

•At one point he went out for breakfast with my hubby and his brother, and he kept asking the father to use the lures but he wouldn’t. Eventually Starmie appeared but just as they were about to catch it, my hubby’s hp ran out of batt. That was when my eldest lost it and started yelling at his father, insisting that he should have used a lure earlier. In a bid to placate him, the father replied with equanimity “Patience. Good things come to those who wait”. To which the reply came “No! Good things come to those who use lures!” The father found it so funny he told me about it after they came back. Quotable quote.

My second boy:

•At some point soon after he took possession of my handphone, the plaintive requests started on whether he can change my buddy, the colour of the team I’m on etc etc while his brother was compulsively looking at the sightings and scrolling through all the Pokemons he already caught (to see what sounds they made and actions they made). As usual, appearances matter to this neat little boy.

•After church, we were hanging around a playground just outside the church as the kids wolved down the biscuits their teachers gave them at the end of each Sunday school, when a father carrying a little girl asked my husband “is this Hao Yi?” pointing to my eldest. “No, that’s Hao En. This is Hao Yi.” And the girl's father looked and said “hello” and explained that his girl Megan kept telling him that her friend Hao Yi taught her to do some stuff in class so he wanted to see who it was. We were suitably amused and teased Hao Yi a little after that. He didn’t seem to remember Megan or acknowledge it. My maid then joked with us how Hao Yi’s good friends were always girls and Hao En’s good friends tended to be boys, in fact the naughty ones. Haha.

Both of them:

•Sunday dinner, we were sitting across from them as the father was recounting what Hao Yi was sleep talking at night, Hao En stopped harrassing us for our handphones for a moment and burst into a wide, face-splitting grin and peals of delighted laughter, and Hao Yi also laughed along. It was so nice to see them laugh as kids and not obsessed over handphones I tried to capture the moment but was too late.

•Sunday night, my husband was trying to make them sleep, but they would lie quietly in the darkness on the mattress and then inevitably the talking would start up again. Exasperated, he said “Stop talking! Whoever still talks will sleep outside. One…” And then he farted “poooo” and then silence. And the kids started giggling… And then he said “three” and that was when they lost it and started chuckling, repeating “one, poo, three” and then losing themselves in laughter again . The sound of their laughter is priceless, the utterly amused "hehehehe" laughter of Hao En, followed by the unmistakable peals of gurgling laughter by Hao Yi. Pure delight.

As for Jeanine, she likes to open and close things with caps now and mimic whatever we say. When I laugh at her sometimes she will lean back and give me a half smile. Or a sly smile, like she is up to no good but doesn’t want me to know it.

Picking up Handphones

I was shopping for a secondhand, no-frills, no-camera handphone today to replace my brand new, blue and shiny one, because I wanted a handphone (1) with keys that did not give me a thumb spasm every time I typed a semi-long sms, (2) that did not consume so much energy that it needs charging every day, (3) had a nicer ring tone instead of the generic single beep.

As I was strolling around, carrying several bags of new year goodies for my mom, my handphone suddenly rang. After I fumbled for it in my bag for a few frantic moments, wondering if it would go out on me, I managed to extract it and it was my pastor. He wanted to ask if I was free this Sunday for dinner with the other members of my ministry. Nice. I thought it would be my mom with some instructions about something or other.

Anyway, after I hung up, I was pleased I had picked up the handphone, and I was musing about how some people do not like to pick up their handphones because (1) they think it is someone who has something unpleasant to say, (2) of the radiation that goes through the head every time the person talks on a handphone, (3) what can be so important to call rather than to sms (which is less radiation to read)? And yet, if a person is hard to get by handphone, he or she might miss out on all the pleasant surprises in life like this, or on some really, really important message.

So I thought perhaps a good story to write would be about a super team, or some team of people on a mission or task, and how one member in the team always picks up his/her handphone (probably the more reliable and organised one) and so is easily contactable, whereas the other person (usually the more quirky one, but more fun) does not like to pick up her handphone and hence is often lost in the action or doing her own thing. Which may not be a bad thing. I mean, hey, look at the hobbits in Lord of the Rings.

Ok, I got this idea down. Signing out.

First Things First

Wa, this must be the most difficult habit to put into practice.  This is the habit about drawing up weekly calendars which I found hard to sustain.  The idea is that we should set goals both long-term and short-term for the many roles in our lives, and every week, we should set weekly goals (a lot of goal-setting!) and schedule our activities for the week.  This way we organise our week around our priorities, and we can say no to other things.

Being Yourself vs Learning from Others

I mentioned in my previous post that I’m reading a book by Ellen DeGeneres called Seriously… I’m Kidding. I’ve finished that book and one of the chapters that left a deep impression was one on not comparing ourselves against others. I get that. It’s often toxic and not at all productive or realistic to keep comparing ourselves to others around us as we will inevitably find something others are better than us in. And then it matters what is our response. Do we beat ourselves up over it? Ah he or she is so xxyy. I’ll never be as xxyy as that person. Or do we try unconsciously to model ourselves more like that person?

Well Ellen says it best. I’ll quote her “I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush” and “It would be so boring to look out into the world and see hundreds of people who look and think exactly like me” and “who’s to say what’s better or worse anyway? Who’s to even say what’s normal or average? We’re all different people and we’re allowed to be different from one another”. I find what she says refreshing (although within limits of course, there are average weights, and weights that are probably not healthy for a human being. And some traits in people like sociopathic tendencies are probably safely classified as undesirable). But really, when we find ourselves feeling l Low about ourselves cos we just found ourselves lacking in a certain trait someone else has in buckets, I find this is a good reminder. And I’m also reminded of what my coach (yes I’m on some leadership course that gives me access to 4 sessions with a personal coach!) said once when I lamented that I lacked a particular trait which I found absolutely essential in Directors, and hence concluded I wasn’t ready to be one. He said, not in your organisation, but he felt there were other organisations where my personality trait would be much valued, and the trait I coveted so much, would be looked upon badly by the company and by teams.
Strange. But I guess I’ll take his word for it.

Another thing someone else told me during this leadership course I was on, is that sometimes we can try really hard to be like another person, but fail in the end cos we are just not wired like that person, and we can’t do a personality transplant. But we can learn some of what that person does well and incorporate it into our style and come up with our own unique style. I can identify with that – I really admired my Assistant Director when I was a junior Policy Executive. She was this lady who was decisive, big picture, gave clear timely instructions but never micro-managed, and gave credit when it was due. She was energetic and spunky and gutsy. She was also empathetic and nurturing when needed. Ah the best of a male and a female in a boss! So when she rotated out of my ministry, I aspired to be like her. I tried to fill her shoes, espccially when I became an AD later. However try as I might, I could not emulate her 100%, to my disappointment, but I like to think I managed to move myself along the spectrum of being more like her in certain aspects, but still being very me. There was also the story of the animals who were put into races that tested them on skills they were bad at, eg the Ducks were put in a race, rabbits asked to swim, birds asked to climb trees, and how when they were put in the tight races they fared so much better. While I believe we all have different inherent strengths and latent capabilities, and we are happiest when we can develop and exercise them, we can also develop things we currently don’t have if we apply ourselves, with effort and the right method/teacher.

So, another thought I had was – being happy in our uniqueness shouldn’t stop us from constantly learning and growing. And one way to do that is by learning from people who do it better than us. So it’s puzzling. But I think I can reconcile it like this – we should learn from others, but we should also be assured of our uniqueness and be well aware of our strengths, and always do things with the aim of being a better me, so I can contribute and function better in my role, rather than because I want to be better than them.