Seven Habits Reread

Hello hello,

Wow I'm really on a roll here... my fourth post in a month!  I guess writing is like jogging or exercising - it's really hard to do it the first time after a long time... the conditions almost all have to be right, or you are really suffering by not doing it (e.g. feeling breathless, out-of-shape, unhealthy, or in this particular instance, feeling like I had this incredibly wonderful experience that I have to get out on paper, or computer - namely my trip to the Botanic Gardens, or I will burst).  But after you do it the first time, the second time is not that bad, and then it gets progressively easier and easier, and the wheezing is less obvious and you start to enjoy it more and more.  So voila, here I am!

I recently picked up Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People from my bookshelf and popped it in my handbag to be part of my must-have reading material for my long commute.  Why am I reading this rather outdated self-help book now instead of the latest management book or chic lit (yes I am quite the fan) or crime fiction (also guilty)?  I guess it's a combination of running out of books from the library to read (I must explain I am a compulsive train reader, as in, if I don't have something to read on the train, I get mental withdrawal symptoms, which are as bad as my caffeine withdrawal symptoms) and the fact that I had recently moved into a new role at work and found myself grappling (in middle age) once again with an ill-defined role, time management issues (I'm double hatting on an already heavy portfolio) and having to win the respect and trust of two new colleagues who have been transferred to the same new unit as me, one of whom is older than me (a first!) and having to work out communication styles, working preferences and so on.  So I was perhaps feeling in need of a refresher course on how to manage myself effectively. 

However, I was not disappointed.  In fact, I must say I was quite blown away by the book, which I did not expect as I had attended a course on this years ago and thought I had it all down pat.  Hey, I can even recite 6 out of the 7 habits (the one that eluded me was Synergise - and I haven't gotten to that part of the book and still don't know what that means) and can explain pretty clearly what each is about.  However, I realised the book holds so much more detail and examples from the author which the trainer simply could not go into in that two-day course.  I found in the book timeless principles and truths that opened my eyes (and I've read quite a few management and self-help books in my time), though it was written years ago!  Ok, I must say partly it is because I am in need of these truths at my particular life stage, which makes the "aha" moments even more heartfelt and far-reaching for me.  But I believe they are relevant for everyone, at any life stage.  You just can't go wrong with the habits, especially the first three.  I'll blog about each habit in turn, and how I have applied it to my life and made a difference. 

Memorable Quotes from this Good Book

Hello!

I have just finished another book - this is a rare find. It is one of those books that I picked out of the shelf amidst the sheer ming-boggling no of books in the library based on its interesting title "The Secret Intensity Of Everyday Life" by William Nicholson, who incidentally did the screenplay for Gladiatory and also wrote the script for the movie "Shadowlands", on the life of my favourite author, CS Lewis.

Ok, so I will set about jotting down some of his really memorable lines (hope this is not plagiarism, but they are so unique, they stand out so much amidst all that text and a not-so-very-engaging plot like jewels blazing in their colour that I have to write them down).

_____________________

"Okay, if I'm being honest, I think Friends is a work of genius. I mean, I really do. The best dialogue on television today.:

"Wow."

"I know that makes me what the children call a saddo."

"A saddo? No, not at all. It makes me want to know what you see that I don't."

"Okay" He rises to the challenge. "That episode Alice is watching, the lasagne one. Rachel breaks up with her Italian boyfriend... She dumps him because Phoebe tells her he's come on to her."

"In the massage parlour."

"Right. And Phoebe feels bad. And Rachel comes out with this classic Friends line. She says "It's better that I know, but I liked it better before it was better." Isn't that perfect?"

________________

Phoebe is going to give birth to triplets.

The doctor in the delivery room keeps talking abuot Fonzie. Who's Fonzie? Joey seems to be going into labour too. Then Chandler does a dance and Monica says "Don't do the dance!"

Alan punches the air.

"I love it! You saw that? She never even turned round. She just knew he'd do the dance. These people just know each other so well."

_______________________

Why do I want this so much if it's all a delusion? Why does the act of forming lines in my head excite me so much that my bowels melt and I have to run to the lavatory unbuckling my belt as I go? Don't tell me that's not the real thing.

A Wonderful Afternoon at a National Gem

Yesterday (Sat), we finally decided to make good on our desire to bring kids into the nature and great outdoors, instead of always bringing them to

• Restaurants (NYDC and Kim Gary of Tampines One being perennial favourites)
• Library
• Supermarkets
• Shopping Malls

So, despite the fact that I would have liked an afternoon nap, result of too many nights of interrupted sleep and late nights, I gamely drank a cup of coffee, ate some digestives, while the maid packed the kids' bags, and since Jack seemed rather chipper after lunch (not having napped all day), and Caleb was awake, we packed them all in the car and drove towards Botanic Gardens. 

There is a funny reason why we decided to go Botanic Gardens instead of the many other possibilities in Singapore we would have probably chosen, e.g. East Coast, Gardens by the Bay, some park in Tampines.  The reason is (and I'm ashamed to admit it), as I was having lunch with a Siemens colleague, who happened to be a French lady who was living in Munich, I casually asked her if she had visited any areas of national interest during her brief stay in Singapore (she was here over a weekend).  She remarked that she had been to this wonderful garden, and it was truly beautiful, and the people who were behind it and upkeeping it were doing a wonderful job, and she spoke with such a glow in her eyes and voice that Eunice and I immediately thought she was talking about Gardens by the Bay, but she shook her head, and said no... and it turned out that she was talking about Botanic Gardens!  I was so puzzled I wanted to ask her what was so beautiful about it, but I held my tongue, as I had been there a few times and been utterly bored. 

That had piqued my interest in visiting Botanic Gardens again, but a couple more events pushed me over the edge.  One was a lunch talk I attended recently about urbanisation and development, some member of the audience asked about the importance of a hinterland in any city, and a panellist (a Dutch) immediately piped up "Very important, I mean, for sociological reasons, so people can get away from the city life, and for other reasons as well" and I mused to myself how alien that sounded to a Singaporean who was so used to city, city and more city.  There is no concept of rural area, or that there is a need to get away from the hectic pace of city life (at least not to me, though I do know of friends who travel to Malaysia or Indonesia every 3 months!).  Recently I also read in the papers about a preschool called Little Bunnies that was becoming increasingly popular amongst Singaporean expats, because they had no classroom, but brought kids to outdoor areas and fixed up a fence and it was their classroom.  And when I looked at the photo in the newspaper, the kids were indeed sitting before a teacher surrounded by nature. 

So the sum of all these little events was I resolved to bring my kids to some nature over the weekend, so that they would not only know indoor environments.  If not, they may not know how to appreciate nature anymore.  And didn't God make us originally gardeners?  So there is (according to Pastor Rony) an innate appreciation and love of gardens in man.  So, last Saturday we resolutely made the long journey to Botanic Gardens.  I had also called the weather information and they predicted "Cloudy" for Singapore and areas in Central, from 5-7pm, which was a green light for us to set out.

When we reached there, Caleb had already fallen asleep in the car, so we put him in the stroller, and wheeled him all around the garden.  Jack was still awake so we took turns carrying him, mainly the maid and me, and sometimes my hubby.  It turned out to be a very pleasant late afternoon.

Firstly, we realised as we walked that there was a denseness of trees and climbers, bushes and plants along the path, which I had not appreciated before.  The richness of the foliage and the different hues of green captivated me, and the fresh air (you know, the scent from being in a very 'ulu place', which smells of trees), coupled by the cool temperatures, made for very enjoyable walking.  There were also different types of flowers on some trees, if you stopped to look, and some of it looked so alien and out-of-this-world they just made me think of the words "weird and wonderful".  I never knew God had created such funny-looking flowers or fruits, and that they existed in tropical Singapore!  Then after a short stroll, we came to a crossroads and there seemed to be multiple attractions in both directions.  However I was attracted by the signs that said "Eco-garden" and "Jacob-Ballas Children's Garden", so having limited time, we started on that path.  Along that path, we came across some herbs/scent garden, smelled coriander, and saw garlic and pineapple plants, and saw bananas growing on a tree (which we excitedly pointed out to Jack, as he likes bananas and has never seen them hanging anywhere except on our kitchen wall and in stalls at the market). 

After walking a while along that path, we came to an open field, where people were picnicing or playing cricket, and eventually to a pond, which as we came nearer, looked like a scene ripe for a Monet painting - it was green, had some organic stuff floating on it, and many ducks swimming peacefully or standing on the edge preening themselves (I was surprised to see how many there were), 2  big black swans, and many tortoises, all swimming near the edge, where people were watching them.  This was way more wildlife than I had ever encountered in all my previous excursions to the Botanic Gardens and being an animal-lover, I excitedly brought Jack near to the water's edge to observe the wildlife.  But alas, he was more interested in chasing the pigeons which were nearby.  I sometimes wonder if he has a stronger hunter instinct than most.  Then, the peaceful silence was broken by increasingly alarmed cries of "no! no! no! no!" and a golden retriever had broken off from his owner (an Indian lady) and was making for the lake, and when he reached it, he waded in happily without hesitation, until he was up to his chest in water, and stood there looking quite content, a bit hesitant whether to chase the ducks or swans, and it was so funny.  Eventually he came out, shook himself all over, and trotted happily after his owner, who chided him half-laughing for providing "free entertainment" to everyone.

After that, we walked on and finally came to the children's garden.  I don't recall much of it, except there were some fake trees and signs explaining photosynthesis (Jack being too young to understand) and a playground which had a wall with funny shapes on it, which make different sounds if you strike on them.  Then we got out, and headed back.

On the way back, we were in for 2 pleasant surprises - one is that we managed to catch the different colours of the sunset through the trees - and it's been a while since I gazed at any sunset, and I was treated to a display of iridescent crystal pinks on the left, and light crystal blue and yellow on the right.  So beautiful.  And all the while breathing such fresh air and walking so much, I felt healthy and whole.

Then as we were reaching our carpark, we came across a band playing under a tree.  I approached them, wanting to my son to see people playing musical instruments (neither me nor my hubby play any at home), and realised how refreshing it was to listen to a band up close, playing live.  How clear and heavenly the sounds of a classical guitar being strummed up close!  I have always been content to listen to the radio or CDs, and was never one to be much into live concerts.  In fact the few I attended were disappointments, maybe cos they didn't sound as good as the CD and I was standing too far back to take a good look at the musicians' faces.  But here in the Botanic Gardens, listening to these amateur musicians jam away song after song, under a tree, which seemed to amplify their sound, under the fading light, with other bystanders standing nearby or sitting on benches, all appreciating the music, not wanting to be anywhere but here on a Sunday afternoon, I was blown away by the experience.  The powerful strums of the guitars, the harmonising of the vocals and the occasional strains of the violin, rising above the strumming of the guitar, gave a wistful, beautiful angle to the whole thing.  They weren't that good (the lead singer had a forgetteable voice, and sometimes the harmonising was offkey), but I couldn't help swaying from side to side to the beat.  I realised how much music is able to touch one's soul, and  I felt my spirit soaring.  One of the songs had the line "I'm not moving" in it and I wished they played more alternative songs. And after listening to 3 songs, we finally moved on.  This was followed by dinner at casa verde (I brought Caleb to the corner to watch the two men making pizzas through a glass window, and to see the many dogs sitting next to their owners, but alas, he was always gazing at the owners rather than the dogs - testament to his different personality from his brother - him preferring always the human face, while his brother focuses on anything that moves) where we managed to fill 3 stomachs to the brim with just $43 and even Caleb had a bit of bread, licking them off his hands that tightly clutched the bread, and then a trip home where Jack conked out.  A wonderful late afternoon at Botanic Gardens.  And we didn't even explore 1/5th of it!  Now I understand why people say the Botanic Gardens is a national gem, and why my Director mused "With Botanic Gardens, one really questions why we need a Gardens by the Bay?"

How Do I Know This is the Right One?

In the last few years of my life, I have realized one question has gripped the hearts of many people around me, ranging from university students to working adults like me. I have casually tossed out this question to a group of university students and had them unwilling to release me until I had shared my answer; I have had lunch conversations with colleagues to find the conversation steering to this question; I have found myself talking to my friends over the phone as they shared their dilemmas and questions about their dates and ending with this question. That burning question is: How do I know if this is the right one for me?

 

Firstly, let me caveat that I do not believe there is A right one for anyone in the whole world, because as one friend of mine so eloquently put it, if there is such a thing, all it takes is one person to marry the WRONG one, and it would cause a domino effect where many others will marry the wrong ones for them, because their right partners have been taken up by someone else. Here is how it works: let’s say person A is meant to marry person B. If person A ends up, for some reason, marrying person C, who is meant to marry person D, then both person B and D would be without their ideal partners, which means they need to marry someone else’s ideal partners, thereby causing more people to be without their ideal mates, and on it goes. Makes a lot of sense to me.

Secondly, if you are a girl, the most important question to first ask yourself, before going any further, is: Is the guy romantically interested in you? Now, this is important to establish because if not, then all further analysis is a waste of time, and also because this area is so fraught with difficulty. Interpreting guys' signals are not that easy. Some guys are straight as an arrow. Others are subtle and indirect. Some are fast (I see, I like, I take). Others take a looong time getting to know the girl and sussing out the girl's liking before making their intentions known. Some guys are shy and making longer eye contact or stammering in her presence is their way of showing interest. Some guys use constant teasing to indicate their liking. Others can hug girls, sms and/or call them every day, ask the girl out on frequent dates, and still treat the girl as a platonic friend. So as you can see, guys vary quite a lot in the way they treat girls.

There have been many instances whereby girls have spent a lot of time and energy painstakingly going over every detail of what the guy said and did, in their minds or with their friends, only to find out afterwards that it was due to their overactive imagination ((yup, been on the giving AND the receiving end of this). To prevent such time-wasting emotional roller coasters, I would advise females out there to just be warm and friendly to everyone (yes, including girls cos we still need our girl pals! They rock!), but to only consider a guy seriously if the guy has somehow verbally expressed interest in you. Asking you out on a date or multiple dates doesn’t count. Being the butt of his teasing and jokes every time you meet doesn't count. Having a lot of “chemistry” and laughter when you’re together doesn’t count. Him giving you a gift doesn't count. Remember, I am just saying this to protect you from emotional heartbreak and feeling like a fool at the end of it all. Many guys can do all this and still treat the girl as just a sister or a really good friend. What I have realised is that if you are not sending out negative, I’m-not-interested, go-away signals, the guys who are genuinely interested WILL eventually come out to make their intentions clear (or make it clear through their friends – the important thing is that this guy makes it clear such that you cannot possibly misunderstand him).

Let’s say you are interested in the guy, but are not sure, what should you do with your feelings at that stage? Well, just be focused on and occupied with whatever else is going on in your life right now, be it studies, CCAs, work, family friends. Do NOT neglect your family nor your friends at this stage. You will find the transition back to normal life, should the guy prove to only treat you as a normal friend, or find a girlfriend along the way, to be much easier. Even better still, introduce the guy to your other friends, so you can all hang out together once in a while. You can also get their opinions on him in the process :) Of course, if you can still have one-on-one dates with him too, which allows for more in-depth conversations.

For guys, I find that it's not so much of an issue of determining if the girl is interested, as knowing if you are interested. That is because I find that even if a girl is not initially warm towards a guy, guys can influence girls' feelings by e.g. expressing liking for them, doing many nice and sweet things for them, showing them extra care and concern all the time, and becoming their good friend. Girls are more "responders", in the way we are designed. Of course, after getting to know the girl and deciding that you really like her and would like to take it to the next step, then it is the time to know for sure if she's interested by asking her to be your girlfriend. As guys are usually the initiators, this shouldn't be much of a problem. And if she turns you down, just continue doing the above and ask her again later on when she has had time to think about it and to get to know you a bit more. Of course before that there are the usual telltale signs of a girl's interest: e.g. going out with you, talking to you for long periods, laughing at your jokes etc. If she does the above, at least you know she is not turned off by you. But again, the surest way to confirm is to ask.

Ok, let’s say girls are sure the guy is interested (for girls), and guys are sure they are interested in the girl. How do you know this is the Right One? There are a few criteria which I have found do help to make for a successful and blissful marriage in the long-term:

1. Do you share the same core beliefs?

Now, notice I said core beliefs, and not preferences (e.g. in hobbies, food, dressing, décor) or personalities (e.g. outgoing, introverted, optimistic, pessimistic, talkative, quiet, messy, organised). In fact, I have found that couples can have very different personalities and preferences, and still have a loving marriage together. Of course, the more differences, the more adjustments, sacrifice and tolerance will be needed, but these are what make married life fun and challenging. It is my belief that working through differences gives couples a sense of satisfaction, a chance for character development (e.g. patience when you want to nag for the umpteenth time, gentleness and self-control when all you want is to lose your temper) and to learn personal sacrifice – things with intrinsic value in themselves. However, when a couple differs in their core beliefs, especially those that pertain to married life (e.g. marriage, sex, family, kids) and religion, this will present problems later on, and should be discussed and hopefully ironed out before moving towards marriage. By ironed out, I mean have a common understanding of the problem, of each other’s stands, and how both intend to deal with it. Very simple. Now, because it is unlikely that both parties agree totally on every core belief, it is advisable for all couples to talk through these issues before marriage, to see how wide the gap is and to attempt to narrow them and come to a workable compromise. Sharing the same beliefs on issues like on marriage are important because if one party believes in marriage, and the other does not, the question that inevitably arises is – to marry or not to marry? Do both have the same view of the sanctity of marriage? The fidelity required and the behaviour that would be deemed unacceptable? The responsibilities and roles of each partner?

I have found that there may be differences in degree of belief, and in particular, the outworkings of these beliefs. For instance, before I got married, I used to get into rows with my then-boyfriend when I went out with my guy friends (often from courses, projects, work) one-on-one. He didn’t have as much problem with my old friends as the ones from work whom he had not met before, or had met but did not have a good feeling about. It did not help when I would recount the fun I had during those meetings, as there was often the initial “glow” and fun of getting to know someone well for the first time. As I had been doing this before I got attached, and I genuinely took them as friends, I felt not being able to do this restricted my freedom tremendously. However, when he explained to me in depth how uncomfortable and threatened he felt about this, the danger I was exposing myself to, and how important this was to him, I figured I loved him more than I desired to keep meeting up with my male friends one-on-one. So we agreed that I would no longer do it, and if such an occasion arose, I would check with him first. So while we both agreed on the core belief “we must be faithful in a marital relationship”, we had to discuss and eventually agree on what this meant in terms of acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. Another rule we set was that I should not confide anything in a guy that I did not confide in him. This maintained our emotional closeness, and meant I would never be closer to another guy than my own husband.

Issues of sex and physical intimacy are also key. How physically intimate should both be before marriage? When does sex occur? These are important areas to get agreement on well before marriage so that both parties (especially males) don’t feel frustrated or rejected and girls don’t feel like they had engaged in “mortal combat” after every date. Good ways to communicate preferences to guys is tell them that if they love us, they would respect our bodies and wait before getting physically intimate. I tell them I believe in sexual purity before marriage and need them to help me keep it. You can have a good debate on where exactly the physical boundaries are (where can hands go? What places are off-limits? My ex-pastor said whatever is covered by a swimsuit is off-limits), but usually, the more conservative party wins. Reassure them this does not mean you love them any less, but you are just not comfortable and you think it’s for both your protection. Temptation is a slippery slope! If they refuse, then maybe it’s better to seriously discuss their basic assumptions and thinking of what a relationship and marriage entails. Understand why they think that way and try to correct any wrong thinking or try to reach a compromise that would not seriously damage your integrity. I tend to just state my boundaries and adopt a take-it-or-leave-it stance to the hapless guy. My first boyfriend gave up the relationship because we could not agree on physical boundaries and how much time we needed to spend together (he wanted more time than I could give, and he gradually felt more and moreneglected), but the second one (my husband) respected my boundaries. Resolve in your heart what are the boundaries, and state them clearly to the guy. That way when you reject his advances, he knows exactly why. This would also reduce the chances of him trying to cross them! Other core beliefs important to marriage include how to view and treat in-laws (a potential source of great tension in a marriage), how to manage money and whether to have kids (the question of how many to have often cannot be realistically answered until the first one has come along).

Sharing the same religion, especially when one or both parties are very religious, allows for better understanding, supporting each other and resolving problems together in a common way, especially during times of crisis, that would not be possible for two persons sharing different faiths. It also boils down to what both parties can accept. Some people do not mind the other person sharing the same faith as long as the person does not stop him or her from following the faith. The key is to enter into a marriage knowingly and willingly.

2. Are you both good friends?

As this will be the person you will spend the rest of your life with, it is best if the person is your best friend of that gender. That means he or she is someone you feel comfortable sharing everything with, enjoying talking to and have fun together with. It is good to take some time to get to know the person, as certain things do not surface until sufficient time has passed. What is he or she like around family? Their friends? When things go wrong?

3. Do you have a healthy way of resolving conflicts?

This is a very important point, as conflicts will DEFINITELY arise in a marriage. A joining of two persons with different backgrounds, personalities, preferences and family upbringing together will definitely result in some friction and clashes due to differing opinions on how to handle a situation or differing preferences at some time. A couple with a healthy method of resolving conflicts will have a strong foundation for a long and successful marriage. A couple that is unable to resolve conflicts properly, will enter into marriage with a timebomb waiting to go off. Now first let me state unhealthy ways of resolving conflict:

a) Avoidance and Jumping to Conclusions

This is a preference to ignore the problem, sweep it under the carpet and continue as if nothing had happened. This is usually due to an intense dislike of open conflict and confrontation, or lack of confidence or ability to handle it. If the problem is sufficiently serious, it will probably recur. Avoiding does not solve the problem at all but merely postpones it to some future point when it blows up, often of a gigantic proportion by that time, sometimes out of proportion with the problem itself because it had weeks, months, years to fester and grow, and was not nipped in the bud when it was small. This is often compounded by a lack of clarification of the problem, leading to one party jumping to conclusions about the other party from his/her behaviour or words. Now we all do that. Because we all grew up with a set of social norms and a certain amount of social conditioning, when a person does A, it generally means B. If we needed to clarify every single behaviour and phrase, communication would take forever. However, when people with different experiences and upbringing interact, there are instances when miscommunication occurs, and even more so when people from different genders communicate. Below are just a sampling of examples of miscommunication and jumping to conclusions:

• To Girl B, asking personal questions of another indicates care and concern, and to voluntarily talk about oneself can be seen as being self-centred. To Guy A, asking personal questions can be seen as being rather nosey. When they are together, Girl B asks Guy A a lot of personal questions, and while Guy A answers, he doesn’t ask her any in return. After a while, Girl B concludes Guy A is not interested in Girl B’s life at all. Guy A wonders why Girl B is so nosey and keeps asking him questions about himself and doesn’t say anything about herself.

• Guy A comments that a certain new girl in his office is very beautiful. To him, that comment was just commenting on someone’s outward beauty, it doesn’t mean he wants to date her or her to be his girlfriend. Girl B knows the new girl. She assumes Guy A is showing romantic interest in her, and thinks what a shallow guy he is.

• When Guy A and Girl B goes out, Guy A keeps bringing Girl B to the usual cheap places. Girl B thinks Guy A is very boring and miserly, but she thinks the guy would not take well to her suggesting more expensive and nicer places. Actually Guy A just does not know what other places to go to, and he enjoys such places. However he would be ok to go to other places if Girl B suggests.

When these behaviour and words are not clarified, they are then ‘stored’ in a mental storehouse, with all the other similar grievances, for a day when they all come out, and often the other party is not sure what made his or her partner so upset.

b) Peacemaking at all costs

This is where a person gives in to the other person’s wishes, so as to have peace. If done too much, the other person may become more and more demanding and unreasonable (because he or she is never told no to), and the peacemaker’s needs not being met and views not being heard or preferences valued. This may breed resentment in the peacemaker and bossy behaviour in the partner.

c) Confrontation

This is where the person prefers to talk about the problem with the other person and come to a solution. In confronting the problem, instead of hurling accusations and angry words (without clarification), the upset party should specify the behaviour that upset them and explain why they are so upset. The other party should then share what led to the behaviour instead of (i) clamping up in a shell (avoidance) or (ii) hurling back other accusations ("yeah, I know I’m not good enough for you", "you are so naggy").

Once both parties are both satisfied they understand exactly where each other is coming from, they can then work to find a solution. Solutions can take many forms. It could be something as simple as “Ok I won’t do it again,” or a more complicated “If you want me to stop doing it, just drop me a hint, say ‘xxyy’ instead of shouting at me”, or “Before I do it I will ask you for permission, so you can say no if you don’t like it,”, “Since you don’t like me to do xxyy during [condition 1 which annoys the partner], I will do it during [condition 2 which does not annoy the partner].”

I have also learnt that confrontation can be done in a calm way, or in a ranting, raving sort of way. For example, the voices in my family go up in decibels in proportion of how upset we are. Vigorous arm flailing accompanies the voices when the heatedness reaches a certain point. However, I have learnt that when the voices go above a certain point, the constructive conflict resolution process cannot be followed through because the emotions get too heated up and pride gets in the way of, for instance, of admitting the wrong behaviour on my part. Usually a calm, non-threatening (using “I” words like “I feel”, “I am” instead of “you always”, “you are”) description of the behaviour that upset me, and why it upset me, is a good starting point. Then I back off, and wait for an explanation. Then, I am in a frame of mind to evaluate the reply, see if it makes sense. If it does and it was a misunderstanding, I will just say “Oh, I thought you…”, and that would be the end of the discussion. And the issue is resolved before having a chance to fester in my heart and for me to hold a grievance against my husband. If the reply was not satisfactory, I will usually follow up with “Well, do you know that when you do that, it makes me look/feel/think…” and “Can you not do this again?” And quite often, it was not such a big deal to my husband (e.g. talking bad about my parents) and he agrees. Here, it helps to have a pre-agreed set of principles on attitude/principles towards parents, in-laws friends, money, work, time etc. Of course, it doesn’t mean he changes 100% from then on, and never does it again. But it does mean both parties have an established understanding of how a certain behaviour (e.g. being late in my case) affects the other party (makes him boil) and the party will try not to do it, unless there are extenuating reasons (e.g. the last email I just have to answer, stopping to chat or lending a listening ear to my colleague on the way out), or out of forgetfulness or sheer laziness. But if it is a big deal, he will probably insist on his point of view and try to dispel my discomfort (I really don’t mean anything when I say that girl is gorgeous…), and it goes on. If I still don’t accept it, I will reply and he will reply, until one party wins out in the end. Err.. usually me! Hence, I hope that I have explained the importance of timely and good quality communication. Clarify anything that upset you immediately, or as soon as possible, instead of jumping to conclusions about the other person, and harbouring resentment.

Unreliable Indicators of Compatibility

One of the indicators that I found extremely unreliable in predicting compatibility was how much sparks and chemistry I enjoyed with the other person. I have enjoyed great chemistry with people, with whom I did not share certain core beliefs in, who had stilted conflict resolution methods, or who did not like me romantically (as much as I wanted them to). To have gotten together with them (if that were possible) would have caused me a lot of heartache and problems later on. I have also met someone with whom I do not have much chemistry, but has been my good friend, shares my core beliefs, and has very positive conflict resolution methods. And yes, the person also liked me with a love that lasted over many break-ups. It took me a long time to recognize that the latter person made for a better life partner than all the earlier guys who seemed to “connect” with me better, with whom we enjoy so much more sparks and fun and laughter.

Another unreliable indicator I have found was (guys – get this!) physical attractiveness. I have realized that very few of us can keep marveling about how pretty someone’s eyes are, how fair their skin or how lustrous their hair, the whole time we are talking to the person. One doesn’t notice physical attractiveness moments after the conversation starts. Yes, I appreciate healthy-looking, properly-groomed and appropriately-dressed individuals. They are pleasant to look at and delight the eyes. But this is not a good criteria with which to judge a person for lifelong companionship. Inner beauty, such as intelligence, wit, considerate behaviour, love, kindness, gentleness, sharing of interests, are far more important.

A Day in my Maternity Leave

Hello there!

In case I forget what I've done during my maternity leave (people always think it's an extended holiday, but actually I find it quite busy leh, but of a different sort), here is a chronicle of today:

• 7am: Woke up to feed Caleb, changed his diaper; Jack awakened but my mom making him milk, so I gratefully went back to sleep
• 9am: Caleb fussing again, so I woke up and fed him, Jack running around (the energiser bunny is up!), but went back to sleep, stilling my guilty feelings at not playing with Jack and delegating it to the maid
• 11am: Woke up proper (woke up 2-3 times last night so needed the extra sleep), Jack playing quietly  on the floor with the jigsaw puzzles I bought for him this past weekend from Harbourfront Centre (love that place) and some other toys.  Changed up, packed the silver bag and got ready to go out with Caleb, so I can eat a leisurely brunch without having to rush back to breastfeed. 
• 1230pm: Waited until Jack is being rocked in sarong for his afternoon nap before sneaking out with Caleb and stroller, the Straits Times and a library book.  Felt a sense of liberty as I boarded the bus to Tampines Interchange and looked forward to an extended brunch at my favourite restaurant in Tampines, Kim Gary (precious time alone!).  They sat me near the door, but I parked the stroller where I could see baby but away from the air-con vents, ordered a baked rice set, and read ST as baby slept.  He woke up a short while later (he never sleeps long in the stroller, on his back) and stared wide-eyed in the stroller for a while, turning his head from side to side, as if not sure where he is.  I crossed my fingers and ate nervously, wondering when he would start making noises and really cry which would mean I have to stop eating and pick him up.  One of the consequences of having a baby is that extended periods of meal-eating are a luxury.  Meals are often interrupted, and being a person not used to interrupting my meals, this has been a big change - but I guess that's what motherhood is all about.      
• At some point, he started making fussing noises, so I breastfed him under the wrap, changed his diaper and he fell asleep again.  I put him back in the stroller, and went back to eating, feeling a little smug at succeeding to be a modern mom for an afternoon, who can settle her baby calmly and efficiently while doing things she likes (who says quality of life has to suffer - much?).  Now that I think of it, the past few times I've been in Kim Gary have not been that enjoyable or memorable because I left baby at home and always have to rush back after about an hour in case baby wakes up and cries.  One of the pleasures of eating out in a nice restaurant is enjoying the ambience, which in my case is reading a good book and sipping my tea (they serve a mean iced milk tea), not just downing the food, and you need time to do that. 
• Shortly after, as I was in the middle of reading about how China is meddling in the ASEAN body (wa such grown-up topics, such a change for my brain, which has been occupied so far with carrying a baby, feeding him, changing diapers of both, and playing games with Jack), he woke up again, and so I carried him while I finished eating.  Then I paid and went over to Urban Write to hunt for a Christmas gift for a dear friend who insists on giving me gifts every year.  I realised that saying I am not a "gifts" person does not cut it anymore, and being on maternity leave around end of the year, I went traipsing around in the hip and colourful stationery/gift store, knowing I'll have better luck there than in vivo the other day.  As soon as I walked into the interior, pushing the stroller, I realised they had decorated the front part, stocking a set of Christmas gifts on 2 tables with a catalogue to help hapless shoppers like myself.  I soon found a great gift - a necklace holder shaped like a tree.  I always pick gifts that I myself would like, which I am not sure is always a good idea, but I can never make myself give someone something I myself wouldn't use.  But this means I keep wondering if I should buy TWO of it.  I mean, which girl has a good place to keep her necklaces - which?   I rest my case.  A good storage thing for necklaces is almost non-existent, resulting in me spending some part of my workday every day hunting for necklaces amidst the tangled maze and disentangling them before finding one I like, a waste of time and an unpleasant task.  I was also tempted to get a cool-shaped booklight for myself, as it was going at a discount ($14 instead of $17.90), but then recalled why I never used booklights, as the light they shine is too focused and narrow on a part of the page to make for pleasurable reading.  Then I bought a nice wrapping paper and got the store assistant to wrap it up for me, and feeling very "Christmassy" and "giving" ', I went out of the store and headed to the library.
• In the library, I managed to find a few parenting books (I am starting to feel like a clueless parent - Jack is increasingly bored at home, having seemingly lost interest in books and many of his toys) and a book for Jack (must still try), changed Caleb's diaper again as he cried the whole time (the thing about Caleb is - once he starts crying, he doesn't stop even when you are doing things to clean him or feed him, it's like his brain shuts down to all stimuli and is programmed to only stop when he is picked up or is sucking), put him back in the stroller, and went to borrow it.  As I was checking out the book, Caleb started bawling in earnest again, and though I wanted to finish borrowing the items before carrying him, he was screaming blue murder in the stroller and the nasty looks I was getting from people around me finally caused me to give in and carry him (he stopped crying immediately), and borrowed the book one-handed, throwing it unceremoniously in the stroller and then wheeling everything out.
• I went to take the bus home and on the bus, 2 moms with young kids exclaimed - "Wa!  Ni zhe me li hai ah!  Yi shou bao baby yi shou tui che!".  Yes I felt like the wonder mom.
• 5pm: Reached home, saw that Jack was still eating his lunch and went to take a shower (ah, a luxury! Alone time again!). 
• 545pm: Mom made Caleb sleep, so I brought Jack downstairs to the playground to run around (after reading that toddlers need a lot of time outdoors to expend their energies), and some little girl was blowing bubbles, which a few kids were excitedly bursting.  I put Jack down who joined in as well.  Then some young boys came out from the pre-school nearby, and all the boys started playing catching, where the young boys chased the older ones.  As Jack stood there, one boy streaked past, shrieking excitedly.  Jack stared at him, then another flew past in a whirlwind, and Jack did a little jump and made an excited sound.  He clearly was getting into the spirit of catching.  Then as I saw the boys streak up and down the slopes, then reverse and speed in the other direction when the chaser becomes the chasee, running and shrieking, I realised how this was what boys were meant to do (the girls were all sitting or standing around the playground playing their own things), and that this was the essence of boyhood - running like mad, adrenaline pumping and shrieking your heads off.  I laughed and let Jack do his own running round and round.  He now loves climbing up the grassy slopes and down again, crossing the drains, holding my hand less and less.  Finally he led my hand to our lift (a first, when he wants to go back before me!) and I washed him, gave him some water and in the sarong he went again for his second nap.
• At night, after carrying Caleb for a long time (he woke up and wanted to be carried, crying whenever he is put down), my hubby came back and played with Jack who wasn't sleeping, thank God.  I fed Caleb and my dad took over carrying him so I could have my dinner, and took over carrying Caleb again.  He finally settled down  around 1030pm and I could get onto my computer to do the perf report my boss asked me to do, while hubby got on the computer to do some research for work as well.  It was a peaceful time in the house, with my mom watching Korean drama in the living room.  I made myself a cup of iced decaf coffee (which tasted so good) and sat there drinking while I deleted unwanted emails and drafted some pointers, sitting at my new makeshift desk in front of my bedroom window (did I tell you the kitchen chair fits the table and my legs perfectly?).  I felt perfectly at ease and at peace then.  We worked till 1am, when I managed to send out the pointers, then I read half of "Show Mom How" (it's not as funny as Show Dad How and it's scary how many of the points I already know) and went to sleep though I wasn't that tired yet.  Need my rest for another day!

Baby's Development

8 Oct 2011

Some milestones in my baby's development:

• He now loves to stand up straight on both legs when we carry him upright and let him stand. He stiffens his legs, puffs out his chest and looks around happily at his new vantage point, with a look on his face undisputably one of pride (if you can imagine that on a baby's face). And delight. And he doesn't want to go down from that position. Though we try to make him sit down, he will keep his legs straight.
• He likes to bring his hands together in a sort of missed clap when he is delighted now. My dad is teaching him to do a high-five.
• When he is on his tummy, and he sees me near him on one side, he will then roll towards me, and he will keep rolling until he is nestled up against me. And he likes it when my hubby and I kiss him, on his neck, his cheeks, his head, everywhere. He will lie very still with a look on his face that looks like he is enjoying it. And he doesn't move when we kiss him. Ever. For such an active baby, that's quite a record.
• He loves it now when I carry him and sing the Hokkien folk song "Ti or or, beh lor hor..." while swinging from side to side, and I punctuate the song with occasional "Achoo!"s. He breaks into a wide grin, and then occasionally gurgles with laughter. It's hilarious.
• He likes it when we play "Ni de ming jiao...." and then look away, and pop back into his sight with a loud "xiao guai guai/handsome boy/ bo si tiam!"
• He also likes our peek-a-boo games, where we go "Mummy na li leh... Hi!" - although there was that one time when my hubby played it and he was so good at scaring him the corners of his lips started turning down and he started crying. I think it's cos hubby says "Hi2" instead of "Hi1" and that's different to him. And he's too sudden and leapt forward too much.
• He loves to be carried upright and be able to peer over our shoulders.
• He loves cars, and Chinese Kungfu. When my hubby or my dad plays kungfu moves in front of him, he gets very excited, either kicking his legs in his unique way (both his legs land together, hard), and sometimes his hands wave and move together in a haphazard fashion, and sometimes he makes his lengthy vowel sounds while eating his hands.
• He is generally a very active, serious baby. Comparing him with other babies (Frankie's, this baby girl in the elevator today), he is not as quick or ready to smile, or the sort who gurgles happily to himself. But when he plays, he is very intense and gets very happy and excited. When he used to play kick-kick with us in his bouncer, he can get this very determined, focused, almost fierce look in kicking along with us, and his cries are those of intensity and focus rather than playful ones.
• He is very very interested whenever we eat or drink in front of him. When I bring a cup to my lips, his eyes are inadvertently on me rather than on anything or anyone else. He seems to know we are eating or drinking and is very fascinated by it.
• He seems to be left-handed, as he reaches for most things with his left hand first

Shopping with Baby

Hello!

I went shopping with baby and my good friend J today.. and it was so funny. I am totally not used to pushing a stroller with a baby while shopping, and to make it even more distracting, while chatting with my favourite friend... so some classic moments:

- As we were walking out of a lift, I was so engrossed talking to her, I wasn't watching where I was pushing and I accidentally pushed the stroller into a wall. We both burst out laughing then. This is so like old times when we walk, I wouldn't watch where I was going or where my hands were flailing and I would walk into people or accidentally hit people.. Except now it's with a stroller :P

- As we were checking out Mac laptops, I left the stroller parked a short distance from me facing away, and as I was listening intently to a salesman explaining the difference between a MacBook Air and MacBook Pro, in the distance I heard a baby wailing,  I was thinking to myself "Ah, there's a baby crying in the store", until a while later, it clicked and I realised "Oh dear, it's mine!". Sure enough, when I checked, there he was wailing away in the stroller, with noone to look after him. The poor guy. I am totally not used to realising I am the mom of a little kid and I have to pay attention to him at all times :P Same thing repeats itself when I'm grocery shopping with baby. I have a tendency to leave him parked somewhere while I go browsing along the aisles..